Tag Archives: depression

About Me, Career, Chapter 2, Mason, Mental Health, Where to?

No Master Plan

I am unemployed, depressed, broke, and still trying. All of those things are true at the same time.

I feel like a failure at life. I feel like I have nothing to show for my 44 years on this earth but massive debt. And I feel like I don’t want to live like this anymore.

Sometimes I think about not waking up anymore. But I also know what that would do to my mom. So I know I have to get up and try again and again every day.

It is just so hard.

I feel like moving home two years ago was the beginning of the end for me. I can’t be happy in Louisiana. I’ve tried. But I miss Texas. I miss my friends. I miss having a life that felt like mine. Honestly, I miss me.

And now that Mason is moving back to Texas, part of me wants to go too. I wonder if going back could revive me. If being around my friends, having my own place again, finding a job and rebuilding a life there could help me find the version of myself I’ve been missing for the last two years.

But I can’t just leave my mom by herself.

And that’s the part I don’t know what to do with.

What if the thing I need to save myself feels like abandoning someone I love?

So what do I do now?

I’m sitting at PJ’s Coffee thinking of a master plan.

But the page is blank.

I keep thinking there should be some big answer. Some five-step plan for rebuilding my life. Get a job. Pay off the debt. Lose the weight. Move back to Texas. Find my spark. Become DDC again.

But I don’t know if that’s how rebuilding a life actually works.

Maybe there isn’t a master plan.

Maybe right now there is just the next thing.

Today, the next thing was getting out of the house.

The next thing was coming to PJ’s.

The next thing was opening my laptop.

The next thing was admitting that I’m not okay.

And the next thing was writing this.

I don’t know where I’m going from here.

I don’t know if I’ll stay in Louisiana or eventually make my way back to Texas. I don’t know when someone will finally say yes to one of these job applications. I don’t know how I’m going to climb out of the financial hole I’m in. And I don’t know when I’m going to feel like myself again.

I wish I did.

I wish I could end this by telling you that I figured it out somewhere between my first sip of matcha and the last sentence on this page.

I didn’t.

I’m still unemployed.

I’m still depressed.

I’m still broke.

But I’m also still trying.

And for today, that’s the only part of the master plan I know for sure.

DDC

Lesson: You don’t have to know how you’re going to rebuild your entire life to start rebuilding it. Sometimes the master plan is simply doing the next thing.

Question: When you don’t know what comes next, how do you keep yourself moving forward?

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About Me, Mental Health, Therapy

Blah, Blah, Blah!!

I feel blah. I can’t quite put my finger on the cause. I have been feeling this way for going on two weeks now. I don’t think it is as severe as actual depression, but there are definite similarities. I don’t have a desire to do much of anything. Getting out of the bed takes an act of congress. I went to do my favorite thing in the world, karaoke, and barely sang at all. I just sat in the corner quietly. I hadn’t had any ideas of things to write about in this blog that I love until now.

I have a couple guesses of possible reasons:

  1. My money is hilarious. I have been spending a whole lot and saving very little. I have literally been robbing my future self. I have made too much this year and have nothing to show for it. Well, I do have a winning smile. Best money ever spent!!
  2. I have a friend who is going through several traumatic life events. I am unable to find the right words (or any words for that matter) to console in this situation and it hurts me dearly to see them suffering. Luckily, I do not believe my role in the friendship has ever been “advice giver” or even “voice of reason.” I am the friend who is there to listen and interject with humor from time to time.
  3. I love the company that I work for more than anything. The culture is supportive and collaborative. The benefits are remarkable. The people are genuine. However, I am no longer in love with my role. I have been in the recruiting space for so long that the thrill is gone. I wonder if I have been blah when it comes to my work for so long that I no longer find the joy. I am making steps to do a career transition to project management.
  4. It could possibly be the MS thing. I had an expensive surgery to combat my overactive bladder on September 26 and I have yet to see clear results. The doctor did say it will take at least two weeks.
  5. I am concerned about my diminishing cognitive reasoning skills. I had a mild panic attack after listening to a webinar discussing a new work related process a couple weeks ago. I could not comprehend anything the speaker said. She sounded like Charlie Brown’s mom. Wah wah wah. I immediately thought MS had fucked my brain. I think of myself as a relatively smart individual, but that day I felt dumb. Afterwards, I spoke to several other people (without MS) and they also were thoroughly confused by the presentation. I confided my feelings to my old manager. Turns out she felt the exact same way. She also said that she hoped none of her subordinates asked her to explain the process because she couldn’t.

I love personal development. In an effort to get out of this funk. I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos talking about “what to do when you are feeling blah,” “how to change your life in 6 months,” and “how to find motivation when you don’t feel like it.” YouTube is gold. I swear you can learn everything one tutorial at a time. I got my degree in makeup application from YouTube University a few years back. Summa Cum Laude.

The last one I watched had a very good suggestion:

“Find gratitude in every little thing. Get specific about all the things in life that you are grateful for. Open up your journal or a Word doc and start writing a list of sentences that begin with, “I am grateful…” or “I am blessed…”

– Lavendaire

Here it goes:

  • I am blessed to have an incredible human as a son. Mason Riley is a living prayer. He is extremely thoughtful. He inherited my sense of humor and can keep me laughing. He knows immediately when I just need a hug and a laugh.
  • I am blessed to have a mother who is a real life superwoman. She is a rock for everyone in her life. She is giving. She is able to complete any task she sets her mind to from reupholstering an entire living room to sewing every dress for an entire wedding party. I aspire to half the woman that she is.
  • I am blessed that my parents are alive, thriving and still married after nearly 50 years. I get to see what for better or worse looks like from the inside.
  • I am blessed that my bills are paid (except my phone bill. It will get paid when it gets paid) and I lack nothing.
  • I am blessed to finally work for an organization that genuinely makes me smile to think about. I am blessed to be 100% remote and not have to go into an office unless I choose to.
  • I am blessed my father is out of the hospital and doing remarkably well. He is so encouraging about everything that I do. I could say just about anything and then my dad will respond with pure delight. I could say “Daddy, I crossed the street today.” He would respond, “That’s so nice Badness. I knew you could do it!”
  • I am blessed to have a group of solid friends who are able to comfort with scripture and not gossip. Who show up for me whether I ask them to fly to Atlanta for my birthday very close to a holiday or when I need a ride to the emergency room because I cannot walk.
  • I am blessed to have a BFF who is by my side every step of the way. We’ve been friends for so long (30+ years) that I truly believe she knows me better than I know myself.
  • I am blessed to have come to the realization that I need to make big changes with my money management before a major financial emergency occurred.
  • I am blessed to have a soul mate. No, it isn’t a love interest. It’s a best friend who cherishes me, looks out for my best interest at all times, and is usually the first to notice when I am feeling blah.
  • I am blessed to have Hope, my counselor. She makes me think about things in new and insightful ways. She holds me accountable. I am able to tell her the dirty details of my life without judgement and receive wisdom in return. Plus, she laughs at my witty banter. I really love that.
  • I am blessed to have this blog as a means to journal my feelings. A place to be vulnerable. Readers have been tremendously supportive and engaged. Hope read my blog before our session yesterday and had very kind words (she also mentioned spelling and grammatical errors).

Writing this list was an excellent suggestion. I feel better. Energized. Not quite ready for world domination, but close.

XOXO

Lesson: “It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.” – Germany Kent

Question: Do you ever feel blah? What is your routine for fighting feelings of blah? Any suggestions for me going forward?

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