Category Archives: Mason

About Me, Career, Chapter 2, Mason, Mental Health, Where to?

No Master Plan

I am unemployed, depressed, broke, and still trying. All of those things are true at the same time.

I feel like a failure at life. I feel like I have nothing to show for my 44 years on this earth but massive debt. And I feel like I don’t want to live like this anymore.

Sometimes I think about not waking up anymore. But I also know what that would do to my mom. So I know I have to get up and try again and again every day.

It is just so hard.

I feel like moving home two years ago was the beginning of the end for me. I can’t be happy in Louisiana. I’ve tried. But I miss Texas. I miss my friends. I miss having a life that felt like mine. Honestly, I miss me.

And now that Mason is moving back to Texas, part of me wants to go too. I wonder if going back could revive me. If being around my friends, having my own place again, finding a job and rebuilding a life there could help me find the version of myself I’ve been missing for the last two years.

But I can’t just leave my mom by herself.

And that’s the part I don’t know what to do with.

What if the thing I need to save myself feels like abandoning someone I love?

So what do I do now?

I’m sitting at PJ’s Coffee thinking of a master plan.

But the page is blank.

I keep thinking there should be some big answer. Some five-step plan for rebuilding my life. Get a job. Pay off the debt. Lose the weight. Move back to Texas. Find my spark. Become DDC again.

But I don’t know if that’s how rebuilding a life actually works.

Maybe there isn’t a master plan.

Maybe right now there is just the next thing.

Today, the next thing was getting out of the house.

The next thing was coming to PJ’s.

The next thing was opening my laptop.

The next thing was admitting that I’m not okay.

And the next thing was writing this.

I don’t know where I’m going from here.

I don’t know if I’ll stay in Louisiana or eventually make my way back to Texas. I don’t know when someone will finally say yes to one of these job applications. I don’t know how I’m going to climb out of the financial hole I’m in. And I don’t know when I’m going to feel like myself again.

I wish I did.

I wish I could end this by telling you that I figured it out somewhere between my first sip of matcha and the last sentence on this page.

I didn’t.

I’m still unemployed.

I’m still depressed.

I’m still broke.

But I’m also still trying.

And for today, that’s the only part of the master plan I know for sure.

DDC

Lesson: You don’t have to know how you’re going to rebuild your entire life to start rebuilding it. Sometimes the master plan is simply doing the next thing.

Question: When you don’t know what comes next, how do you keep yourself moving forward?

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Chapter 2, Mason

All Things Jazmine

Hey Siri!

Mmmm.

Play “All Things Jazmine” on shuffle.

‘All Things Jazmine’ now shuffling on Apple Music.

“All Things Jazmine” is my playlist where I have compiled three hours and two minutes of Jazmine Sullivan. There is a song or five for every mood and I love it when Siri starts playing exactly the vibe I intended. Jazmine Sullivan’s discography consists of a variety of R&B and soulful tracks, showcasing her powerful vocals and storytelling abilities.

“I may not have a reason to think so I know, but today I think I’m gone win the lottery.”

Jazmine Sullivan. Silver Linings. Reality Show Album.

Silver Linings sparks feelings of positivity in me. Feelings of instant hope. Immediate excitement while considering a limitless future.

Another excellent start is Dream Big. The legendary Missy Elliot starts with the kind of energy where you immediately know a banger is beginning.

“This is a Jazmine exclusive SUCKERS! Oh, we gonna take ’em to the club like this.”

Jazmine Sullivan. Dream Big. Love Me Back Album.

Jazmine will do her thing encouraging very high energy in me. A catalyst where I cannot contain my energy to sing . . . well . . yell along with her.

“Packin’ up my shh and I’m going real far. Going off to Hollywood to be a big star. There’s nothing here for me so I gotta move fast. And I’m getting on the road and won’t never look back (hey)”

Jazmine Sullivan. Dream Big. Fearless Album.

It is obvious I literally love all things Jazmine Sullivan. I love listening to her music collection more than any other artist. I frequently use her lyrics as captions on my social media posts. I can instantly identify the specific song I need to hear in the specific moment I need to hear. Her words have inspired previous blog posts. My post entitled, “Stanley,” was birthed from listening to her song of the same name.

My favorite of all time from Jazmine Sullivan and possibly of all music is Masterpiece.

Masterpiece has a way of touching my soul on a deep level.

“I’m a work of art, a Mona Lisa. I’ll share my picture with the world. Not afraid to let it show anymore”

Jazmine Sullivan. Masterpiece. Reality Show Album.

Masterpiece is an empowering song about self-acceptance and recognizing your inner beauty. The lyrics convey a message of embracing your flaws and realizing that every part of you is a work of art. This song encourages me to let go of self-doubt and all negative self-perception. It highlights the importance of believing in one’s own worth and sharing that unique beauty with the world. Overall, Masterpiece is a celebration of self-love and self-expression.

I love this song so much that for my 42nd birthday, my favorite person, my SONshine, gifted me the most thoughtful gift I have possibly ever. Wall art with song lyrics of Masterpiece in the shape of an album with the caption, “To My Amazing Mother” and the date. 11/23/23.

It has to be the most perfect, most thoughtful, most tailored to who I am gift that I could have ever imagined.

I love Jazmine Sullivan’s music more than any other artist.

I love Mason Riley more than any other person. He’s my baby. My greatest accomplishment. So thoughtful. A good human being.

DDC

Lesson: I send Mason a few links to exactly what I want for my birthday every year. I include options at different price points. I’m very hard to buy a gift for. If I want something, then I’ll treat myself to it with little to no hesitation. This year Mason wanted to get me something on his own. No link required. He declared he wanted to put thought into it like I do.

Mason Riley exceeded my expectations on every level with this one.

Question: What song resonates with you? A song that inspires you to be better? Take some time today and actively listen to it. Then comment on my Instagram @DDCandthecity telling me the feelings inspired from listening.

Note: Mason Riley is in his junior year of Howard University studying Film & Television Production. Very soon, January 26, my SONshine will be 21 years old. Time flies when you are having fun.

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Chapter 2, Mason

An Inauguration

Proud parent moment. Mason Riley has officially joined the workforce!

Mason started begging for a job in his junior year of high school. I was adamantly opposed to him working. I said, “you have the rest of your life to have a job.” I understood his desire for his own money, but I also knew I would make sure he had everything he needed. Mason doesn’t ask for much. He chooses to go without rather than asking me. I believe he’s afraid to be a burden even though I reassure him that is what parents are for.

Now, he is six months away from being 21 years old. It’s the summer before his junior year of college. He’s a man. A man needs to feel the ability to provide. I believe it’s time.

He’s been applying for part time jobs since May and finally landed his role at the neighborhood movie theater. A walkable commute for his first gig. He loves movies. I mean REALLY loves movies. Working at the theater is a dream come true for him. Free movies. The fact that it’s a walkable distance from the apartment is a dream come true for me.

XOXO

Lesson: My baby boy is officially a man.

Question: What was your first job?

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