Tag Archives: Career

About Me, Career, Chapter 2, Mason, Mental Health, Where to?

No Master Plan

I am unemployed, depressed, broke, and still trying. All of those things are true at the same time.

I feel like a failure at life. I feel like I have nothing to show for my 44 years on this earth but massive debt. And I feel like I don’t want to live like this anymore.

Sometimes I think about not waking up anymore. But I also know what that would do to my mom. So I know I have to get up and try again and again every day.

It is just so hard.

I feel like moving home two years ago was the beginning of the end for me. I can’t be happy in Louisiana. I’ve tried. But I miss Texas. I miss my friends. I miss having a life that felt like mine. Honestly, I miss me.

And now that Mason is moving back to Texas, part of me wants to go too. I wonder if going back could revive me. If being around my friends, having my own place again, finding a job and rebuilding a life there could help me find the version of myself I’ve been missing for the last two years.

But I can’t just leave my mom by herself.

And that’s the part I don’t know what to do with.

What if the thing I need to save myself feels like abandoning someone I love?

So what do I do now?

I’m sitting at PJ’s Coffee thinking of a master plan.

But the page is blank.

I keep thinking there should be some big answer. Some five-step plan for rebuilding my life. Get a job. Pay off the debt. Lose the weight. Move back to Texas. Find my spark. Become DDC again.

But I don’t know if that’s how rebuilding a life actually works.

Maybe there isn’t a master plan.

Maybe right now there is just the next thing.

Today, the next thing was getting out of the house.

The next thing was coming to PJ’s.

The next thing was opening my laptop.

The next thing was admitting that I’m not okay.

And the next thing was writing this.

I don’t know where I’m going from here.

I don’t know if I’ll stay in Louisiana or eventually make my way back to Texas. I don’t know when someone will finally say yes to one of these job applications. I don’t know how I’m going to climb out of the financial hole I’m in. And I don’t know when I’m going to feel like myself again.

I wish I did.

I wish I could end this by telling you that I figured it out somewhere between my first sip of matcha and the last sentence on this page.

I didn’t.

I’m still unemployed.

I’m still depressed.

I’m still broke.

But I’m also still trying.

And for today, that’s the only part of the master plan I know for sure.

DDC

Lesson: You don’t have to know how you’re going to rebuild your entire life to start rebuilding it. Sometimes the master plan is simply doing the next thing.

Question: When you don’t know what comes next, how do you keep yourself moving forward?

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Chapter 2, Mental Health, Where to?

Adjusting

I’ve been in Louisiana for 70 days now, and I’m just about settled into my space. I have one moving box left to unpack—shoes. It’s amazing how many shoes I have, considering I wear the same pink flip-flops on a regular basis.

I know to clean the guest bathroom every Friday and take the trash out on Tuesday evenings.

I’ve got a couple of churches on my radar and have selected a local Toastmasters club to join.

I know of two taco spots with great deals. Mi Padres has a Taco Tuesday special: three tacos and a margarita for $15.

I started working as a bartender at a daiquiri shop three miles away and had an interview with PJ’s Coffee today, which went well.

Mom and I have developed a good rhythm. I enjoy quality time with my mom and Mason. We saw Inside Out 2 together. Great movie. I’ve made a few connections with old friends.

I was introduced to a very nice cigar bar in town. Good vibes. Great music. Perhaps I enjoyed the venue more because of who I was with than because of the venue itself. Perhaps.

How long does it take to start over? I am starting over in my forties. I have the opportunity to choose my identity. I am trying to figure it out as I go.

Lesson: It is starting to feel like home.

Question: Daiquiris or coffee?

DDC

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About Me, Chapter 2, Mental Health

Reset

I absolutely love a reset. Yearly reset. Monthly reset. Weekly reset. Daily reset. A reset is a chance to start over. A reset is the opportunity of a new beginning. 

“In the canvas of life, a new beginning is the brushstroke that paints the beauty of possibility. It’s not just a chance to start over; it’s an opportunity to craft a masterpiece, a chance to get it right, and an embrace of the endless potential that unfolds with every fresh start.”

I love to watch YouTube videos of people conducting their own resets. My favorite YouTuber MuchelleB is famous (to me) for the reset. She walks us through her resets with her Australian accent and I am always engrossed. So intrigued that I have rewatched her videos from 3-4 years ago with patience. It’s amusing to watch her older resets as she is using platforms that I am unfamiliar with. Have you ever heard of Things 3? 

Every new year I make a list of lofty goals in several areas of my life that I dream to achieve during the year. I would spend weeks creating elaborate vision boards of my dreams for a successful year. Then I would not refer to that vision board until the next year to create the new vision. 

This year is different. Totally different. In my Tamar Braxton voice. This year I am reviewing my annual goals on a weekly basis. Making plans for that week to progress towards the vision. 

“A goal without a plan is just a wish, a dream waiting for the blueprint of action to bring it to life.”

How did I plan to achieve the beautiful elaborate vision board without a plan? Hence, the weekly reset. On a weekly basis I review the goals for the year and plan what needs to happen that week in order to achieve the bigger picture. This year I am using the tools I have learned from watching countless YouTube videos on how to achieve the desires of my heart. 

DDC

Lesson: A reset is a weekly must. 

Question: How do you prepare for a new week? A new month? A new year? 

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About Me, Chapter 2

Allen Iverson

Have you heard of AI? Not Allen Iverson. Artificial intelligence. ChatGPT is AI. Lately, I’ve been writing a lot of professional emails and I use ChatGPT on a daily basis. It’s become somewhat of a foundation. A rough draft, you know.

So today I asked ChatGPT to write an essay for me. I typed, “write an essay to be read at my Daddy’s funeral.”

Want to know how ChatGPT responded? It sent condolences. Seriously ChatGPT sent me condolences on the passing of my father. It wrote “I’m really sorry to hear about your loss.”

I received condolences from ChatGPT today.

XOXO

Lesson: AI has a heart:)

Question: How do you use Artificial Intelligence (AI)?

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Career, Chapter 2, Mental Health

Rejection

I didn’t get the job. After three interviews and a drive to New Orleans, I received an email stating, “I’m sorry that this one didn’t work out – it was a really tough decision but we enjoyed speaking with you and appreciate all the time you took to meet with us.”

I appreciate the semi-personalized rejection email over a generic computer generated email. However, what I really would have appreciated is a detailed explanation of why they decided not to move forward. Did I not have enough experience? Were my salary expectations out of range? Did the HR Director notice my disturbed facial expression when she said she believes HR should be 100% onsite? I’ll never know the true reason. Organizations are terrified of litigation they rarely give the real reason you didn’t get the offer.

Rejection, whether it is from a potential career opportunity or from the cute guy across the bar at brunch . . . hurts.

To be honest, I did not want that job. Needed? Yes! Insurance isn’t free. Wanted? No!! It was in recruiting and the job posting emphasized, must love recruiting. I do not love recruiting. I tolerate recruiting for the greater good. Insurance! I do not love being 100% onsite. I do not love certain aspects of the role including the need to actively source and pipeline passive candidates.

Hmmm. Maybe the role wasn’t for me. Maybe God told them to pick somebody else to do it. . . Maybe rejection was for my good.

XOXO

Lesson: I am down … but I am not out.

Question: How do you handle rejection?

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Chapter 2, Where to?

Last Day

Friday, I received an email from my boss saying to close all requisitions. Wait, what? As a recruiter, requisitions are my lifeline to production. Without requisitions I essentially do not have any work to do. Immediately I knew. In 30 minutes I was heading to run my errands to prepare for my weekend couples camping trip. I refused to let this email affect my mindset over the weekend. I closed the laptop and said, “I’ll worry about this on Monday.”

I received an email instructing my team there were a few requisitions that we could open up based on business need on Monday. Cool. I have work. I went from 15+ skill sets to hire down to 2. Hmmm, is that enough?

Wednesday at 8:23pm I received a calendar invite for Thursday. The meeting was scheduled for 12:30pm entitled “Talent/ Business Communications” from my boss’s boss’s boss. This is it. I knew immediately. I am being laid off.

I started my Thursday listening to “God Provides” by Tamela Mann. Took a relaxing walk at Katy Trail. I’m leaning in on my love of the outdoors these days. I talked to other colleagues who received the same invitation and got the scoop on what to expect. Leading up to the call I researched the questions I needed to ask when being laid off. I was ready. The managing director of talent and a human resources professional were both on the line. Here we go. The director delivered the message with such sincerity. Made the words hurt a little less. Business conditions. Salary continuation. Eligible for rehire. It was a lot of information in a very quick call but there would be an email to follow up. My time at D ended Friday at noon. Numb.

God Provides

I am currently receiving messages on LinkedIn stating, “congratulations on your work anniversary.” I started May 24, 2021. Ending in May 19, 2023. A few days short of 2 whole years.

Each message is like a punch in the gut.

XOXO

Lesson: Ready for my next opportunity.

Question: Got any leads?

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Love Life

Weird

I have grown up with the understanding that I move differently than most. Some call it a free spirit. Some call it haphazard. The label you use doesn’t matter much to me. It is the sentiment that I admire. I am not your average woman. Recently, someone called me weird, but I believe the intent was to be hurtful this time.

I have been living by a daily cleaning schedule. Wednesdays is bedroom cleaning day, I am about to put my bedding in the wash when I take a break from this post. I pick out the drinks in my refrigerator from left to right. I expect visitors to do the same. Let me see, what else. I cannot have the sound from the tv on while I am working, but I can listen to music loudly and work and still am able to work productively. My very large mirror has a name, Dandelion and is my prized possession. I occasionally talk to my mirror. Just a comment here and there, never an entire conversation. But that is probably because a mirror cannot talk back. I have a particular way to make my bed in the morning. There is a designated order to the way the pillows are positioned. I go to bed watching the same Netflix show every single night for the last 3-4 years. I do not watch reality tv. It actually irks my nerves to even hear realty tv on my television. I have a special spot where I sit on the sofa. I politely ask guests to switch seats with me if they get to my seat first.

I received a text message stating that I am, “too weird.” Hmmm. Weird. Weird? I am definitely a different kind of a person. But am I weird?

Let me know what you think.

XOXO

Lesson: What someone else thinks about me is irrelevant to me.

Question: Do you think he meant “weird” as an insult?

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Therapy

The “Shoulds”

You should have to a 4 year degree.

You should meet a nice guy.

You should get a stable job.

You should be married.

You should work hard and get promoted to management.

You should buy a single family home in the suburbs and get a dog.

You should have 2 children.

You should be promoted to senior management.

You should put your kids in a bunch of activities and drive a mini van to haul their soccer equipment.

You should sell your starter home and buy something bigger, drive a luxury vehicle, go on fabulous vacations and have your friends over for catered dinner parties.

The “shoulds.”

Where did they come from? I never had a consultation with the leader of the “shoulds” where I was given the rundown. I just know them. I see them lived out. I attend the celebrations, like the posts, and write “congratulations” on their social media every time someone checks a “should” off of the list. Graduation, engagement, bridal shower, baby shower, house warming, anniversary etc. I “should” have a celebration too. New blog shower🙂

My entire life I have attempted to live by the “shoulds” and consistently failed. Failures that have left me feeling…. less than. Inadequate. Like I am a failure. Like I’ve lived my life wrong. Have I failed at life?

4 year degree? CHECK

Nice guy? NO

Stable job? CHECK**

Married? NO

Management? NO

Single family home? Dog? NO

Two kids? NO

Senior Management? NO

Mini van? NEVER

Big house? Luxury vehicle? Fabulous vacations? Catered dinner parties? NO***

If I compare my life to this list of “shoulds.” A list that I essentially created on my own. Then, I would be a failure. Why have I created a list that I can’t and didn’t complete? I will discuss this with my counselor on Thursday.

I’m ready to burn the “shoulds.” I’m ready to accept myself as I am. To love myself just the way I am. I am a beautiful masterpiece and also a work in progress… at the same time.

There are no “shoulds.” Wait. There’s one.

I should do whatever I need to do to fight for my happiness and live a life that I am proud of.

XOXO

Lesson: Be like Rhianna, and “live your life hey, ayy, ayy, ayy”

Question: Am I the only one with the “shoulds?” What “shoulds” have you told yourself?

**It took me 40 years to land the stable job.

***My vacations are pretty amazing. For clarity, “fabulous,” is on a whole different level. First class not Wanna Get Away.

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