Tag Archives: Multiple Sclerosis

About Me, Mental Health

Cloudy With a Chance of Heavy Rain

If my emotional state had a weather forecast today, it would read:

Cloudy with a chance of heavy rain.

From the outside, the clouds don’t always look threatening. Most people see me at work. They see me smile. They see me answer emails. They see me show up.

What they don’t see is that it takes me nearly an hour after waking up just to convince myself to get out of bed.

The hardest part of my day isn’t work.

It’s preparing myself to face it.

People assume I’m okay.

I’m not.

Lately, I’ve been grieving someone who is still alive—myself.

I miss the version of me who woke up excited about life. The woman who was optimistic about the future. The one who believed there was always something to look forward to.

I don’t know exactly when she became so hard to find.

Living with multiple sclerosis has changed me in ways that are obvious and in ways that are invisible. Most people notice when my body is tired.

They don’t notice when MS steals my words.

When I know exactly what I want to say but can’t find it.

When a conversation becomes a search party for vocabulary that used to come effortlessly.

Depression has its own voice.

It whispers that I’m doomed.

It tells me this is as good as life will ever get.

It makes me question whether I’ll ever feel like myself again.

Sometimes I wonder if people understand that this isn’t just sadness.

It’s disconnection.

It’s looking in the mirror and feeling like you’re staring at someone you recognize but don’t quite know anymore.

If my body could speak, I think it would say only one word:

Help.

And yet…

There are still moments.

The sound of Mason laughing.

Showing up for work, even when every part of me wants to stay in bed.

Holding on to the smallest hope that my future self is waiting somewhere ahead, ready to tell me:

Everything is going to be alright.

I don’t know when this season will end.

Right now, everything feels hard.

Everything.

But maybe healing doesn’t begin when the clouds disappear.

Maybe it begins when we finally tell the truth about the weather.

Today, my forecast is cloudy with a chance of heavy rain.

And for today, telling the truth about that is enough.

DDC

Lesson: Some days the goal isn’t to find the sunshine. Some days the goal is simply to stop pretending it’s sunny. There is courage in naming the storm, and sometimes that’s the first step toward seeing the clouds begin to part. 

Question: What keeps you going when you can’t see the sun? 

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About Me, Chapter 2, Mental Health, Multiple Sclerosis

Heavy Legs, Heavy Thoughts

Lately, I’ve been noticing my legs in a way I never really have before. Noticing them not in appreciation, but in awareness—because sometimes they feel heavy, stiff, or reluctant to move.

Most mornings, it takes extra effort just to get going. I wake up and my legs feel like they’ve forgotten how to function, how to step. Those first few minutes out of bed I shuffle around like a baby calf fresh out of the womb—awkward, shaky, unsteady. Eventually, the stiffness eases after some walking around, but it never disappears completely. It lingers, reminding me of something I’d rather forget.

I think back to August 2021, the month I was first diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. That flare-up announced itself loudly: it was nearly impossible to walk. I spent about a week struggling before I finally went to the emergency room, where I heard the words that changed everything.

But even before that, there were signs. Earlier in 2021, while in Chicago, I had another flare-up. I could barely walk. I just wanted to sit down wherever I was. My legs dragged under me like they didn’t belong to me anymore. To anyone watching, I probably looked like a drunk person weaving down the street, but really I was fighting my own body with every step.

Sometimes, moving my legs feels like an act of sheer willpower. Each step is a reminder that I can still move, even if it takes more energy than it should. And I can’t help but wonder—am I simply getting older, or am I slowly losing my mobility?

Every case of MS is different. I know this. I’ve been told this. But knowing doesn’t stop me from comparing myself to my sister, who also lives with MS. Her journey has been unimaginably hard, and when I see her struggle, I can’t help but feel fear tighten its grip on me. I am terrified that one day, I too won’t be able to walk and that terrifies me. 

I don’t have answers. I don’t have solutions. What I do have is this moment, these words, and these legs that still, somehow, carry me forward. And for now—that has to be enough.

DDC

Question: What’s something in your life right now that requires more effort than it used to?

Lesson: These legs were made for walking. And that’s what they will do. Keep moving forward.

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Chapter 2, Mental Health, Where to?

Adjusting

I’ve been in Louisiana for 70 days now, and I’m just about settled into my space. I have one moving box left to unpack—shoes. It’s amazing how many shoes I have, considering I wear the same pink flip-flops on a regular basis.

I know to clean the guest bathroom every Friday and take the trash out on Tuesday evenings.

I’ve got a couple of churches on my radar and have selected a local Toastmasters club to join.

I know of two taco spots with great deals. Mi Padres has a Taco Tuesday special: three tacos and a margarita for $15.

I started working as a bartender at a daiquiri shop three miles away and had an interview with PJ’s Coffee today, which went well.

Mom and I have developed a good rhythm. I enjoy quality time with my mom and Mason. We saw Inside Out 2 together. Great movie. I’ve made a few connections with old friends.

I was introduced to a very nice cigar bar in town. Good vibes. Great music. Perhaps I enjoyed the venue more because of who I was with than because of the venue itself. Perhaps.

How long does it take to start over? I am starting over in my forties. I have the opportunity to choose my identity. I am trying to figure it out as I go.

Lesson: It is starting to feel like home.

Question: Daiquiris or coffee?

DDC

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About Me, Chapter 2, Mental Health

Reset

I absolutely love a reset. Yearly reset. Monthly reset. Weekly reset. Daily reset. A reset is a chance to start over. A reset is the opportunity of a new beginning. 

“In the canvas of life, a new beginning is the brushstroke that paints the beauty of possibility. It’s not just a chance to start over; it’s an opportunity to craft a masterpiece, a chance to get it right, and an embrace of the endless potential that unfolds with every fresh start.”

I love to watch YouTube videos of people conducting their own resets. My favorite YouTuber MuchelleB is famous (to me) for the reset. She walks us through her resets with her Australian accent and I am always engrossed. So intrigued that I have rewatched her videos from 3-4 years ago with patience. It’s amusing to watch her older resets as she is using platforms that I am unfamiliar with. Have you ever heard of Things 3? 

Every new year I make a list of lofty goals in several areas of my life that I dream to achieve during the year. I would spend weeks creating elaborate vision boards of my dreams for a successful year. Then I would not refer to that vision board until the next year to create the new vision. 

This year is different. Totally different. In my Tamar Braxton voice. This year I am reviewing my annual goals on a weekly basis. Making plans for that week to progress towards the vision. 

“A goal without a plan is just a wish, a dream waiting for the blueprint of action to bring it to life.”

How did I plan to achieve the beautiful elaborate vision board without a plan? Hence, the weekly reset. On a weekly basis I review the goals for the year and plan what needs to happen that week in order to achieve the bigger picture. This year I am using the tools I have learned from watching countless YouTube videos on how to achieve the desires of my heart. 

DDC

Lesson: A reset is a weekly must. 

Question: How do you prepare for a new week? A new month? A new year? 

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Chapter 2, Love Life

Farewell

I usually wake up before my 7am alarm. I rinse my mug from the night before. A birthday present from a friend. I love filling my mug from the filtered water spout of my side by side fridge. My new apartment comes with filtered water. It’s a first for me. Chapter Two. The little things mean so much to me. I put the cup in the microwave for 2 minutes then head the two to three steps to my dining table to take my meds. The microwave beeps, I add cinnamon dolce skinny syrup and three ice cubes and stir. I like stirring the ice until it melts. It has a calming effect to the moment. My soul is soothed by a cup of warm tea.

Coffee. It was a beautiful moment in time.

XOXO

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Chapter 2, Where to?

Last Day

Friday, I received an email from my boss saying to close all requisitions. Wait, what? As a recruiter, requisitions are my lifeline to production. Without requisitions I essentially do not have any work to do. Immediately I knew. In 30 minutes I was heading to run my errands to prepare for my weekend couples camping trip. I refused to let this email affect my mindset over the weekend. I closed the laptop and said, “I’ll worry about this on Monday.”

I received an email instructing my team there were a few requisitions that we could open up based on business need on Monday. Cool. I have work. I went from 15+ skill sets to hire down to 2. Hmmm, is that enough?

Wednesday at 8:23pm I received a calendar invite for Thursday. The meeting was scheduled for 12:30pm entitled “Talent/ Business Communications” from my boss’s boss’s boss. This is it. I knew immediately. I am being laid off.

I started my Thursday listening to “God Provides” by Tamela Mann. Took a relaxing walk at Katy Trail. I’m leaning in on my love of the outdoors these days. I talked to other colleagues who received the same invitation and got the scoop on what to expect. Leading up to the call I researched the questions I needed to ask when being laid off. I was ready. The managing director of talent and a human resources professional were both on the line. Here we go. The director delivered the message with such sincerity. Made the words hurt a little less. Business conditions. Salary continuation. Eligible for rehire. It was a lot of information in a very quick call but there would be an email to follow up. My time at D ended Friday at noon. Numb.

God Provides

I am currently receiving messages on LinkedIn stating, “congratulations on your work anniversary.” I started May 24, 2021. Ending in May 19, 2023. A few days short of 2 whole years.

Each message is like a punch in the gut.

XOXO

Lesson: Ready for my next opportunity.

Question: Got any leads?

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Multiple Sclerosis

Very Important Person

A letter.

To: My original handler, my confidant, my voice of reason, my BFF. I know you have your reasons. Here is mine.

MS sucks. Shorter walks don’t. I want a handicapped license. Can I?

The only advantage of having multiple sclerosis, a declared disability (that I can think of) is the ability to be VIP . . . in the parking lot. Let me use this advantage. Pretty pretty please.

I understand that I do not need it. I promise I do. I can walk. I can probably walk more and longer than I even think I can. That handicapped license is gold, platinum even! Always has been. I remember seeing others with it and immediately thinking, “man, I wish that I had one.” Now, because of this condition I can actually qualify. I want it! Real bad.

This weekend I had access to VIP while driving my dad’s car. I felt like royalty. I didn’t use it too much. In the hospital parking lot everyone is VIP.

Seriously, I want it for my apartment parking lot. I’ve always had an assigned spot. Originally, it was so that I would always have a spot. Then it was to have a closer spot. Now, it’s to always have the same spot. I struggle with my memory. I’m concerned that without an assigned spot I’ll have to park wherever is available meaning a different spot every day. Forgetting where I parked is an anxiety inducing experience. A panic attack waiting to happen.

At Target, I always park on the row matching the entrance. At Coffee’s, I park in the space all the way to the right (no one ever seems to use it). At the office, I park on the back row. Every single time. It takes longer to get to the entrance. However, I notice that if I park in a different spot, then I struggle to remember where my car is and sometimes I feel panicked by that. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. Very uncomfortable to me actually.

So yes. I can walk the distance. But what happens when I don’t know where I’m going?

XOXO

Lesson: I’d like an accommodation.

Question: What is your favorite place to park? Do you have one? Or is this another thing to add to my list of “weird” qualities?

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About Me, Love Life, Mental Health

California King Bed

There was a time when I would spend entire weekends in the bed. Of course, I would get up to use the restroom and get something to eat. I would just get back into bed. I would rarely answer the phone. I would occasionally respond to text. I set the thermostat on the coldest temperature, restarted Grace and Frankie from season 1 episode 1 over and over and then get comfortable in bed ready to sleep the day away.

It did not dawn on me that my sleeping was a faint cry for help. If I did not have any obligations to go anywhere, then I would be in the bed. Was I depressed? The thought often crossed my mind. But if I was depressed then why wasn’t I also in bed during the week I wondered? I convinced myself that it wasn’t depression.

In hindsight, I believe it was a case of high functioning depression. My last relationship had ended. . . very badly. I thought he was my future Mr. I was entirely wrong about him and his intentions. I was sad and extremely lonely. The break up felt like a punch in the gut. Ouch! I didn’t want to show up for myself on the weekends. There was no cleaning routine. My place consistently looked like Hurricane DDC had ransacked everything. There was no desire to workout. There wasn’t a relationship with the Lord. I was grieving. I didn’t know it then, but I can clearly identify it now.

This was several years ago now. I was up this morning pulling the sheets off of my bed getting ready to wash (Wednesday is the day to clean my bedroom) and the thought crossed my mind of how I used to spend entire weekends in this bed. Thankfully, I am pass that phase of life. I function. I clean. I pray. I meditate. Occasionally I work out too. I do not want to go back to that place. I will not go back.

XOXO

Lesson: You never know the battles that people are fighting daily.

Question: Do you notice when the life of the party stops living?

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Chapter 2, Love Life, Mental Health

Red Flag(s)

How many red flags before you are out? Is it like baseball? Three strikes and you are out. Or . . . is it one red flag and then game is over?

Damn. It’s 1. Is it ONE!!!!!!!

Why do I give Stop Sign(s) a second chance? Well, actually I give five chances. Today was the fifth red flag! WTF!

I need to sit with this.

XOXO

Lesson: Expect more, give less.

Question: When is my next therapy session?

Note: Read the blog post entitled, “Stop Sign.”

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About Me, Mental Health, Multiple Sclerosis

Break My Soul

I had an MRI today.

Waiting my turn.

I’m feeling . . . some type of way. I don’t know how to describe it. Wait, let me check my feelings wheel. . .

Numb.

I feel numb.

Deprived of the power of sensation. Deprived of words. I can’t stop thinking about the possibility that the multiple sclerosis has progressed. That I will be told there are more lesions on my brain. What will I do?

Tear.

Then at that very moment I hear Beyoncé’s voice belt through my radio!

You won’t break my soul

You won’t break my soul

You won’t break my soul

You won’t break my soul

I’m tellin’ everybody

MS, YOU WONT BREAK MY SOUL!

The results don’t matter. I’m going to be alright. I will handle whatever happens like I’m 100% THAT GIRL.

XOXO

Lesson: Don’t worry about things you have zero control over. It won’t help so why waste the time. Instead, enjoy every moment to its fullest potential.

Question: What’s your favorite Beyoncé song?

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