The only man you can prove I’ve been with once called me haphazard.
At the time, I wasn’t clear on the definition, but the word stuck with me. Haphazard. Neither “hap” nor “hazard” sounded like he meant it kindly. The moment has clung to me for over 20 years.
We were at a gas station exchanging something—I can’t remember the reason why. The why has faded. The what, however—what he said—stuck.
Haphazard means something done in a random, disorganized, or careless way—lacking a definite plan, order, or direction.
And the truth is, twenty-year-old DDC was, in fact, haphazard. No plan. A little order. A vague direction.
Fast forward two decades.
While preparing for my son’s college graduation, I realized how many days I’d be away from the office and thought: Maybe I’ll dye my hair hot pink while I’m off. A bold vacation choice. I’d done it before—dyed it pink in January for our family cruise, then went back to “office-approved” before returning to work. I’m not loyal to any one hair color these days, but I absolutely love hot pink.
So I asked my son if he cared. He said, “I couldn’t care less.” Cool. He’s calm like that—unbothered by most things.
Then I mentioned it to my mom. “Hot pink hair is unprofessional,” she said. I explained I’d return to work with a natural color. I even recalled that during my job interview, I specifically asked my supervisor about hair color. He said he didn’t mind pink hair.
But as the trip approached, I stalled. I never bought the dye. The night before we left, I realized: I’m not doing it.
And that’s when it hit me.
Haphazard.
He called me that twenty years ago—when it was true. But even now, with a plan, permission, and pink hair history, I still didn’t follow through. Why?
Because some part of me didn’t want to hear his mouth, even if only in my memory. I didn’t want to imagine his face twisted in disapproval.
Why do I care? I wish I didn’t. I’m disappointed that I gave energy to a man from my past whose opinion should hold no power today. But here we are. It happened.
DDC
Lesson: Even when we grow, old voices can echo. The challenge is learning to turn the volume down—and let our own voices lead instead.
Question: What old label or comment still lingers in your mind—and how much of your present is it quietly influencing?
So, here’s the deal: I’m basically the leaking champion, gotta change my Depends at least 3 times a day. My bladder is a drama queen. I rock two Depends incontinence underwear simultaneously just to keep up with my bladder’s antics. Tried meds, even had Botox parties in my bladder—didn’t last longer than a Snapchat streak!
Next they’re talking Axonics Therapy, where they zap your nerves with a mini-implant. Sounds like a sci-fi plot twist, right? But it’s gonna cost me $3,000. I’m over here counting pennies, wondering if this fancy Axonics Therapy will actually work or leave me broke and still running to the bathroom!
I have multiple sclerosis. Diagnosed August 2021. Symptoms have been present for 20+ years. An invisible illness. I do not use a wheelchair or cane, therefore my illness is invisible… Unless you notice my struggle with balance. But even then one may simply assume I’m tipsy.
I suffer from urinary incontinence. The loss of bladder control. The severity ranges from occasionally leaking urine when I cough or sneeze to having an urge to urinate that’s so sudden and strong that I cannot get to a toilet in time.
My neurologist asked about the latest statistics on my bladder issues in my last appointment. Saying out loud that I leak 3-5 times a day felt like a punch. My doctor called it a “quality of life” issue. I’m so used to leaking that it has become a part of my identity. This isn’t normal. I don’t want it to be my normal. I have got to find $3,000.
My Daddy played the role of mediator between my mother and me. He always knew the perfect words at the perfect moment.
One Thanksgiving, my mom and Daddy came to Texas. Loaded up the car with all the ingredients needed to make gumbo. My Mom and I decided that was the year I would finally learn how to cook her gumbo.
Well. My Mom’s teaching style didn’t quite match with my learning style. I typically cooked from recipes with precise measurements. Hello Fresh comes with pictures, you know. On the other hand, my Mom is skilled at eyeball method of measurement. Simply put. This led to a lot of frustration between my Mom and I. The tension was real real thick. my Daddy sensed it being his time to step in. He pleaded, “Come on now, y’all!” Lol. Since then I have developed my own way of cooking gumbo. It’s passable. Of course it doesn’t compare to my mom’s.
To my Mama, I love you! I love you just the way you are. You embody the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman. Just like her, you diligently take care of your responsibilities and prioritize them .. often placing them ahead of your own desires.
Mama, you have every right to prioritize your own well-being. I implore you to prioritize your own happiness. Each day, I hope you wake up and choose happiness despite the challenges. I recognize how tough it can be—it’s a going to be a difficult journey. But remember, YOU can do hard things. The key lies in your choices.
So, choose happiness.
XOXO
Lesson: Happiness is a choice.
Question: How are you prioritizing your happiness today?
Chapter 2 is what I am calling this season of my life. I have had some significant changes in the my life in these last two years (became an empty nester, landed a role with an organization that I only thought existed in fairy tales, health and wellness became a priority in my life, my role within my immediate family has shifted, and I was diagnosed with a significant health condition).Who I was two years ago no longer exists. I have decided that I will no longer simply go with the flow of life and instead be intentional with the direction that I flow. Being intentional is the new black.
Defining Chapter 2
I’d like to define my intentions for Chapter 2 in writing. Putting these thoughts on the world wide web will give me a new level of accountability that in past would have scared me. Today, however, it inspires me. An audience to my goals, a defined beginning, progress updates, and a concrete reference of my intentions when I need to be reminded. I am known in my friend group to be a planner. I love lists. My friend and I joked today that I am the type who would have a list of the lists that I want to make. But as much as I do love planning ironically the follow through is rare. What is the value of a plan without actions? Absolutely nothing! A waste of the time and effort expended to create the plan. Chapter 2 will be my period of setting a schedule, showing the work in progress, stumbles, and ultimately the outcome.
Introducing AbleTo
As a benefit to my health insurance, I have been offered with no additional copay a therapist and a certified health and wellness/ behavioral coach through an 8 week program called AbleTo. I have excellent insurance benefits with my fairy tale organization. I had my initial meeting with my assigned therapist today. She is a goal driven therapist. She emailed homework after our intake call. I have an assignment. In today’s session she went through a self care assessment to determine the goals of our 8 weeks together. The assessment was detailed with sections that covered physical self care, psychological/emotional self care, social self care, spiritual self care, and professional self care. I had to rate my current levels of self care with several questions in each section from 1-3. 1 meant needs a lot of work, 2 means there’s been effort but still needs improvement and 3 meant I am currently doing well in the area.
How would you rate your current self care routine?
Some of the questions under physical self care umbrella were “eat healthy foods,” “get enough sleep,” “exercise,” and “participate in fun activities.” Overall, I would rate my physical self care at a 2. I have pretty good physical self care. Sleep is my friend. I do enjoy when I complete a workout. However, I lacked structure and consistency. My goal in physical self care is to create a consistent exercise schedule and participate in more fun physical activities. The suggestions were walking, swimming, dancing and sports. I love dance as a workout. It is super entertaining with friends. I have been to a few classes when the opportunity has presented itself but I’d love to do them more frequently. I am thinking of looking for one fun physical activity monthly.
The second category is psychological/ emotional self care where some of the questions were “participates in hobbies,” “get away from distractions,” “express my feelings in a healthy way,” and “go on vacations or day trips.” Overall, I would rate myself at a 2 in this area. I do well, but need consistency. The goal is to consistently express my feelings through a weekly blog post on published every Thursday and to limit screen time to lunch time instead of throughout the work day.
Next up is social self care. I am definitely capable of being a social butterfly but there is still an opportunity to be more consistent. Are you noticing a pattern? I lacked consistency. The goals in this area are to schedule time to connect with friends and family who are long distant. Make a list of the people that I’d like to connect with and then call each one periodically. Sending Instagram posts and writing, “this is us” is not sufficient and doesn’t build meaningful connections.
I give myself a 1 in spiritual self care. There is a lot of room for improvement here. Improvement in my prayer life, consistent attendance in worship, mindfulness, and gratitude. The goals are to attend worship service regularly, write in a prayer journal nightly, and in a gratitude journal in the mornings. I love the Lord. I need to let Him know. Give Him my burdens listen to messages from Him.
Lastly, my professional self care is a 2. The questions here were “learn new things related to my profession,” “maintain balance between my professional and personal life,” “say no to excessive new responsibilities,” and keep a comfortable workspace that allows me to be successful.” The goal is to complete the Google Project Management Certificate. To work on an assignment Monday – Friday after my work day until completion and also to build a network with a new colleague once a month.
Watch this.
Chapter 2 has begun! Here are the goals. I am open to receiving accountability. I will be transparent with my progress. I appreciate you taking the journey with me.
XOXO
Lesson: Yesterday, I lacked structure and consistency, but today is a new day.
Question: What does your Chapter 2 entail? What goals do you want to accomplish? What defines your current chapter?
On Thanksgiving day, my mom and I went to visit my dad in the behavioral health unit of Baton Rouge General. My dad has had severe mental health issues my entire life. Bipolar, depression, anxiety, and possibly schizophrenia. He has spent the majority of this last year in and out of mental institutions. My dad’s psychiatrist of the last 30+ years died in 2021. The new doctors keep changing his medication and now my dad isn’t the same anymore.
Before we left the house my mom call and asked if we could bring him Thanksgiving dinner and the facility said, “outside food is not allowed in the unit.” We were escorted to the visitor’s room and a few minutes later an aide rolled my dad into the room in a wheelchair. He has been having trouble walking for a while. He uses a walker at home. Seeing him in the wheelchair made it all real to me. My dad needs a wheelchair. He did not know that I was coming with my mom so when his eyes caught my eyes the excitement was undeniable.
It was my first visit seeing him in the hospital. My dad has been in and out of mental institutions my entire life for erratic behavior. However, I can count on one hand how many times I have actually seen him in that state. My parent’s still think of me as a their baby. I am the youngest of two. They have sheltered me from the whole story my entire life. On the other hand, my sister is older. She was not able to receive that same shelter growing up unfortunately. Therefore, she and I have different relationships with our dad.
The visit was short, but pleasant. No appearance of erratic behavior. His words were clear. He apologized for ruining the holiday and my birthday. He did not ruin anything. My mom was able to sneak in some Barq’s root beer for him. He smiled. He was happy. We talked about cars and had some small talk. He remembered a conversation he had with my son from the summer about Mason’s Thanksgiving plans. My dad adores my son. Mason is my dad’s only grandson.
This last week the doctors were changing some of my dad’s medications and he would be ready for discharge on Black Friday.
Black Friday came. My mom went to get him. I met them at the front door. This time when my dad’s eyes caught mine he started crying. Wailing. I did not know what to do. For some reason, the only words that came to me were, “how are you doing?” I was pretty sure that those were not the right words and this was not the right time. I guided him to his room. I stood next to him in silence as he continued to cry.
This was all unreal to me. My dad sat in the room for hours crying and refusing to eat anything. This is how they discharged him? Is he somehow better? Cannot be! Seeing my dad this way was extremely painful. My mom has to function like this daily!?! How?!?
How does it make me feel? Let me get my feelings wheel out.
Helpless. I feel helpless. I don’t have the words to say that will fix it all. I don’t know what to do. How can I help him? How can I help my mom as his caregiver?
What am I supposed to do?
Xoxo
Lesson: Make sure that I have long term care coverage.
Question: The roles are changing as we age. Who am I now that I’m no longer the baby of the family?
I feel blah. I can’t quite put my finger on the cause. I have been feeling this way for going on two weeks now. I don’t think it is as severe as actual depression, but there are definite similarities. I don’t have a desire to do much of anything. Getting out of the bed takes an act of congress. I went to do my favorite thing in the world, karaoke, and barely sang at all. I just sat in the corner quietly. I hadn’t had any ideas of things to write about in this blog that I love until now.
I have a couple guesses of possible reasons:
My money is hilarious. I have been spending a whole lot and saving very little. I have literally been robbing my future self. I have made too much this year and have nothing to show for it. Well, I do have a winning smile. Best money ever spent!!
I have a friend who is going through several traumatic life events. I am unable to find the right words (or any words for that matter) to console in this situation and it hurts me dearly to see them suffering. Luckily, I do not believe my role in the friendship has ever been “advice giver” or even “voice of reason.” I amthe friend who is there to listen and interject with humor from time to time.
I love the company that I work for more than anything. The culture is supportive and collaborative. The benefits are remarkable. The people are genuine. However, I am no longer in love with my role. I have been in the recruiting space for so long that the thrill is gone. I wonder if I have been blah when it comes to my work for so long that I no longer find the joy. I am making steps to do a career transition to project management.
It could possibly be the MS thing. I had an expensive surgery to combat my overactive bladder on September 26 and I have yet to see clear results. The doctor did say it will take at least two weeks.
I am concerned about my diminishing cognitive reasoning skills. I had a mild panic attack after listening to a webinar discussing a new work related process a couple weeks ago. I could not comprehend anything the speaker said. She sounded like Charlie Brown’s mom. Wah wah wah. I immediately thought MS had fucked my brain. I think of myself as a relatively smart individual, but that day I felt dumb. Afterwards, I spoke to several other people (without MS) and they also were thoroughly confused by the presentation. I confided my feelings to my old manager. Turns out she felt the exact same way. She also said that she hoped none of her subordinates asked her to explain the processbecause she couldn’t.
I love personal development. In an effort to get out of this funk. I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos talking about “what to do when you are feeling blah,” “how to change your life in 6 months,” and “how to find motivation when you don’t feel like it.” YouTube is gold. I swear you can learn everything one tutorial at a time. I got my degree in makeup application from YouTube University a few years back. Summa Cum Laude.
The last one I watched had a very good suggestion:
“Find gratitude in every little thing. Get specific about all the things in life that you are grateful for. Open up your journal or a Word doc and start writing a list of sentences that begin with, “I am grateful…” or “I am blessed…”
– Lavendaire
Here it goes:
I am blessed to have an incredible human as a son. Mason Riley is a living prayer. He is extremely thoughtful. He inherited my sense of humor and can keep me laughing. He knows immediately when I just need a hug and a laugh.
I am blessed to have a mother who is a real life superwoman. She is a rock for everyone in her life. She is giving. She is able to complete any task she sets her mind to from reupholstering an entire living room to sewing every dress for an entire wedding party. I aspire to half the woman that she is.
I am blessed that my parents are alive, thriving and still married after nearly 50 years. I get to see what for better or worse looks like from the inside.
I am blessed that my bills are paid (except my phone bill. It will get paid when it gets paid) and I lack nothing.
I am blessed to finally work for an organization that genuinely makes me smile to think about. I am blessed to be 100% remote and not have to go into an office unless I choose to.
I am blessed my father is out of the hospital and doing remarkably well. He is so encouraging about everything that I do. I could say just about anything and then my dad will respond with pure delight. I could say “Daddy, I crossed the street today.” He would respond, “That’s so nice Badness. I knew you could do it!”
I am blessed to have a group of solid friends who are able to comfort with scripture and not gossip. Who show up for me whether I ask them to fly to Atlanta for my birthday very close to a holiday or when I need a ride to the emergency room because I cannot walk.
I am blessed to have a BFF who is by my side every step of the way. We’ve been friends for so long (30+ years) that I truly believe she knows me better than I know myself.
I am blessed to have come to the realization that I need to make big changes with my money management before a major financial emergency occurred.
I am blessed to have a soul mate. No, it isn’t a love interest. It’s a best friend who cherishes me, looks out for my best interest at all times, and is usually the first to notice when I am feeling blah.
I am blessed to have Hope, my counselor. She makes me think about things in new and insightful ways. She holds me accountable. I am able to tell her the dirty details of my life without judgement and receive wisdom in return. Plus, she laughs at my witty banter. I really love that.
I am blessed to have this blog as a means to journal my feelings. A place to be vulnerable. Readers have been tremendously supportive and engaged. Hope read my blog before our session yesterday and had very kind words (she also mentioned spelling and grammatical errors).
Writing this list was an excellent suggestion. I feel better. Energized. Not quite ready for world domination, but close.
XOXO
Lesson: “It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.” – Germany Kent
Question: Do you ever feel blah? What is your routine for fighting feelings of blah? Any suggestions for me going forward?
You should work hard and get promoted to management.
You should buy a single family home in the suburbs and get a dog.
You should have 2 children.
You should be promoted to senior management.
You should put your kids in a bunch of activities and drive a mini van to haul their soccer equipment.
You should sell your starter home and buy something bigger, drive a luxury vehicle, go on fabulous vacations and have your friends over for catered dinner parties.
The “shoulds.”
Where did they come from? I never had a consultation with the leader of the “shoulds” where I was given the rundown. I just know them. I see them lived out. I attend the celebrations, like the posts, and write “congratulations” on their social media every time someone checks a “should” off of the list. Graduation, engagement, bridal shower, baby shower, house warming, anniversary etc. I “should” have a celebration too. New blog shower🙂
My entire life I have attempted to live by the “shoulds” and consistently failed. Failures that have left me feeling…. less than. Inadequate. Like I am a failure. Like I’ve lived my life wrong. Have I failed at life?
4 year degree? CHECK
Nice guy? NO
Stable job? CHECK**
Married? NO
Management? NO
Single family home? Dog? NO
Two kids? NO
Senior Management? NO
Mini van? NEVER
Big house? Luxury vehicle? Fabulous vacations? Catered dinner parties? NO***
If I compare my life to this list of “shoulds.” A list that I essentially created on my own. Then, I would be a failure. Why have I created a list that I can’t and didn’t complete? I will discuss this with my counselor on Thursday.
I’m ready to burn the “shoulds.” I’m ready to accept myself as I am. To love myself just the way I am. I am a beautiful masterpiece and also a work in progress… at the same time.
There are no “shoulds.” Wait. There’s one.
I should do whatever I need to do to fight for my happiness and live a life that I am proud of.
XOXO
Lesson: Be like Rhianna, and “live your life hey, ayy, ayy, ayy”
Question: Am I the only one with the “shoulds?” What “shoulds” have you told yourself?
**It took me 40 years to land the stable job.
***My vacations are pretty amazing. For clarity, “fabulous,” is on a whole different level. First class not Wanna Get Away.
DDCANDTHECITY 