My dating life has been filled with heartbreak and disappointment. The trails that I have endured have lead me to ask God, “what are You trying to teach me?” What am I to learn from these trials? I am obviously not getting it. Whatever IT is. There has to be a reason for this heartbreak to keep coming one after another. What is it, God? Can You make the lesson clear to me?!? I must be doing something wrong to not have experienced the love that I long for. Does this mean I need to stop trying? Should I get a cat or two and settle into being a fine ass auntie (with no niece or nephew)?
Ironically, I do want a cat. I want to have something to talk to in my empty nest. I have been wanting one for a few years now. The stigma around single women and cats is the major reason I do not have a cat. Hmmm. On some level, I care about what other people think about me. I know I am not supposed to care, but I actually do. I don’t want to meet a guy and he shame me for having a cat. I do not want to have to pay for the boarding of a cat when I travel. My parent’s would never allow the cat in their home. My mom already told me that I would have to leave my cat in the garage when I came home.
I am going to put some thought into what I will do with the cat when I travel.
In the words of Estelle, “thank you for making me a woman.”
I grew up today. I officially became an adult. An adult who cleans her stove on Tuesday nights.
What are your daily routines? Whether it be making your bed first thing in the morning, writing in a prayer journal at bedtime or cleaning the kitchen every Oven Cleaning Tuesday? I am proud to say I have began utilizing systems. James Clear would be so proud.
I have watched 500+ YouTube tutorials and pinned an infinite amount of images on various daily routines for entertainment purposes only until today. Check out my Pinterest. https://pin.it/6IhirV9
Pinterest has officially changed the trajectory of my life.
I am not sure who found it first. Nope. Yes. I do remember. I asked My Married Friend to look for daily cleaning routines and she understood the assignment.
It’s Tuesday night so I cleaned the kitchen. I am in the middle of cleaning the kitchen. I took a break to write this new beginning.
My official acceptance of adulthood.
Hear ye, hear ye, all who are listening! I, DDCandthecity, do declare from this day forward Tuesdays shall officially be known as Oven Cleaning Tuesday.
I have washed the dishes, sprayed Clorox All Purpose Cleaner on all the surfaces, and scrubbed the refrigerator. I also mopped. Turns out I should have left mopping as the last chore. It was not a good idea as I am not yet finished cleaning the kitchen but the floor is wet.
I’m feeling . . . some type of way. I don’t know how to describe it. Wait, let me check my feelings wheel. . .
Numb.
I feel numb.
Deprived of the power of sensation. Deprived of words. I can’t stop thinking about the possibility that the multiple sclerosis has progressed. That I will be told there are more lesions on my brain. What will I do?
Tear.
Then at that very moment I hear Beyoncé’s voice belt through my radio!
You won’t break my soul
You won’t break my soul
You won’t break my soul
You won’t break my soul
I’m tellin’ everybody
MS, YOU WONT BREAK MY SOUL!
The results don’t matter. I’m going to be alright. I will handle whatever happens like I’m 100% THAT GIRL.
XOXO
Lesson: Don’t worry about things you have zero control over. It won’t help so why waste the time. Instead, enjoy every moment to its fullest potential.
Chapter 2 is what I am calling this season of my life. I have had some significant changes in the my life in these last two years (became an empty nester, landed a role with an organization that I only thought existed in fairy tales, health and wellness became a priority in my life, my role within my immediate family has shifted, and I was diagnosed with a significant health condition).Who I was two years ago no longer exists. I have decided that I will no longer simply go with the flow of life and instead be intentional with the direction that I flow. Being intentional is the new black.
Defining Chapter 2
I’d like to define my intentions for Chapter 2 in writing. Putting these thoughts on the world wide web will give me a new level of accountability that in past would have scared me. Today, however, it inspires me. An audience to my goals, a defined beginning, progress updates, and a concrete reference of my intentions when I need to be reminded. I am known in my friend group to be a planner. I love lists. My friend and I joked today that I am the type who would have a list of the lists that I want to make. But as much as I do love planning ironically the follow through is rare. What is the value of a plan without actions? Absolutely nothing! A waste of the time and effort expended to create the plan. Chapter 2 will be my period of setting a schedule, showing the work in progress, stumbles, and ultimately the outcome.
Introducing AbleTo
As a benefit to my health insurance, I have been offered with no additional copay a therapist and a certified health and wellness/ behavioral coach through an 8 week program called AbleTo. I have excellent insurance benefits with my fairy tale organization. I had my initial meeting with my assigned therapist today. She is a goal driven therapist. She emailed homework after our intake call. I have an assignment. In today’s session she went through a self care assessment to determine the goals of our 8 weeks together. The assessment was detailed with sections that covered physical self care, psychological/emotional self care, social self care, spiritual self care, and professional self care. I had to rate my current levels of self care with several questions in each section from 1-3. 1 meant needs a lot of work, 2 means there’s been effort but still needs improvement and 3 meant I am currently doing well in the area.
How would you rate your current self care routine?
Some of the questions under physical self care umbrella were “eat healthy foods,” “get enough sleep,” “exercise,” and “participate in fun activities.” Overall, I would rate my physical self care at a 2. I have pretty good physical self care. Sleep is my friend. I do enjoy when I complete a workout. However, I lacked structure and consistency. My goal in physical self care is to create a consistent exercise schedule and participate in more fun physical activities. The suggestions were walking, swimming, dancing and sports. I love dance as a workout. It is super entertaining with friends. I have been to a few classes when the opportunity has presented itself but I’d love to do them more frequently. I am thinking of looking for one fun physical activity monthly.
The second category is psychological/ emotional self care where some of the questions were “participates in hobbies,” “get away from distractions,” “express my feelings in a healthy way,” and “go on vacations or day trips.” Overall, I would rate myself at a 2 in this area. I do well, but need consistency. The goal is to consistently express my feelings through a weekly blog post on published every Thursday and to limit screen time to lunch time instead of throughout the work day.
Next up is social self care. I am definitely capable of being a social butterfly but there is still an opportunity to be more consistent. Are you noticing a pattern? I lacked consistency. The goals in this area are to schedule time to connect with friends and family who are long distant. Make a list of the people that I’d like to connect with and then call each one periodically. Sending Instagram posts and writing, “this is us” is not sufficient and doesn’t build meaningful connections.
I give myself a 1 in spiritual self care. There is a lot of room for improvement here. Improvement in my prayer life, consistent attendance in worship, mindfulness, and gratitude. The goals are to attend worship service regularly, write in a prayer journal nightly, and in a gratitude journal in the mornings. I love the Lord. I need to let Him know. Give Him my burdens listen to messages from Him.
Lastly, my professional self care is a 2. The questions here were “learn new things related to my profession,” “maintain balance between my professional and personal life,” “say no to excessive new responsibilities,” and keep a comfortable workspace that allows me to be successful.” The goal is to complete the Google Project Management Certificate. To work on an assignment Monday – Friday after my work day until completion and also to build a network with a new colleague once a month.
Watch this.
Chapter 2 has begun! Here are the goals. I am open to receiving accountability. I will be transparent with my progress. I appreciate you taking the journey with me.
XOXO
Lesson: Yesterday, I lacked structure and consistency, but today is a new day.
Question: What does your Chapter 2 entail? What goals do you want to accomplish? What defines your current chapter?
I heard a rumor. Not sure how true it is based on the source. A former neighbor. Introductions at the package lockers. Used to meet at the tucked away pool and just vibe. He would sit with his legs in the pool and make flirty comments. I would float. My legs wrapped around his legs. Yellow noodle, waterproof phone case and Apple Music. Renaissance playing on the Bluetooth speaker.
Looked for a photo of me in my apartment pool. Found picture of me from a cruise stop instead. You get the vibe though:)
The rumor is I’m no longer able to renew my lease. When it expires, I’ll have to move. Either to a renovated unit in my same complex of the last five years OR out of the complex completely. WTF.
I live in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath, 900 square feet apartment in Dallas, TX. One block from West Plano. If that means anything to you. White appliances, carpet, laminate countertops, and basic wood like cabinets. My rent averages $1350 – $1365 per month including those stupid fees. If I choose to move in the same complex, to an identical floor plan with the new upgrades and amenities, then my rent would be approximately $1800!
Well damn.
Here’s the thing. I thought my lease expired December 2023. However, I called to confirm. Bruh! My lease expires March 2023. Da Fuk?! I’ve only got 4 months to move.
“What’s the plan, Phil?”
Do I sell everything (except my newly upholstered show stopping ottoman), pack my compact SUV, and see where the wind blows?
I’ve spent the last 17 years worried about school districts, basketball courts and commutes. My life has changed. An empty nest. 100% remote benefits. Praise God. A chapter two. My “must have” list has officially changed. . .
But, to what? Hmmm. 🤔
I used to dream of living in a right sized place like Carrie Bradshaw’s Manhattan apartment. Do you remember her apartment? Books from the floors to the ceiling to the left of the front entrance. A tiny living room only big enough for a handmade accent chair from the finest wood. Oh Aidan. An unused oven whose only purpose would be to store sweaters. Or in my case the occasional chocolate muffin shaped brownies. Each with just one perfectly positioned Oreo in the middle. Several pints of cookies and cream in the freezer. A closet that I could access directly from the bathroom. I want to be able to get out of the shower, lotion up on a cozy chaise lounge all while looking directly at my daily options. A capsule wardrobe hanging perfectly colored code… that I never wear. Matching ath-leisure sets from Target in a pile on the floor.
Well. That’s it. Closet door accessible from shower. My new “must have.”
I feel blah. I can’t quite put my finger on the cause. I have been feeling this way for going on two weeks now. I don’t think it is as severe as actual depression, but there are definite similarities. I don’t have a desire to do much of anything. Getting out of the bed takes an act of congress. I went to do my favorite thing in the world, karaoke, and barely sang at all. I just sat in the corner quietly. I hadn’t had any ideas of things to write about in this blog that I love until now.
I have a couple guesses of possible reasons:
My money is hilarious. I have been spending a whole lot and saving very little. I have literally been robbing my future self. I have made too much this year and have nothing to show for it. Well, I do have a winning smile. Best money ever spent!!
I have a friend who is going through several traumatic life events. I am unable to find the right words (or any words for that matter) to console in this situation and it hurts me dearly to see them suffering. Luckily, I do not believe my role in the friendship has ever been “advice giver” or even “voice of reason.” I amthe friend who is there to listen and interject with humor from time to time.
I love the company that I work for more than anything. The culture is supportive and collaborative. The benefits are remarkable. The people are genuine. However, I am no longer in love with my role. I have been in the recruiting space for so long that the thrill is gone. I wonder if I have been blah when it comes to my work for so long that I no longer find the joy. I am making steps to do a career transition to project management.
It could possibly be the MS thing. I had an expensive surgery to combat my overactive bladder on September 26 and I have yet to see clear results. The doctor did say it will take at least two weeks.
I am concerned about my diminishing cognitive reasoning skills. I had a mild panic attack after listening to a webinar discussing a new work related process a couple weeks ago. I could not comprehend anything the speaker said. She sounded like Charlie Brown’s mom. Wah wah wah. I immediately thought MS had fucked my brain. I think of myself as a relatively smart individual, but that day I felt dumb. Afterwards, I spoke to several other people (without MS) and they also were thoroughly confused by the presentation. I confided my feelings to my old manager. Turns out she felt the exact same way. She also said that she hoped none of her subordinates asked her to explain the processbecause she couldn’t.
I love personal development. In an effort to get out of this funk. I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos talking about “what to do when you are feeling blah,” “how to change your life in 6 months,” and “how to find motivation when you don’t feel like it.” YouTube is gold. I swear you can learn everything one tutorial at a time. I got my degree in makeup application from YouTube University a few years back. Summa Cum Laude.
The last one I watched had a very good suggestion:
“Find gratitude in every little thing. Get specific about all the things in life that you are grateful for. Open up your journal or a Word doc and start writing a list of sentences that begin with, “I am grateful…” or “I am blessed…”
– Lavendaire
Here it goes:
I am blessed to have an incredible human as a son. Mason Riley is a living prayer. He is extremely thoughtful. He inherited my sense of humor and can keep me laughing. He knows immediately when I just need a hug and a laugh.
I am blessed to have a mother who is a real life superwoman. She is a rock for everyone in her life. She is giving. She is able to complete any task she sets her mind to from reupholstering an entire living room to sewing every dress for an entire wedding party. I aspire to half the woman that she is.
I am blessed that my parents are alive, thriving and still married after nearly 50 years. I get to see what for better or worse looks like from the inside.
I am blessed that my bills are paid (except my phone bill. It will get paid when it gets paid) and I lack nothing.
I am blessed to finally work for an organization that genuinely makes me smile to think about. I am blessed to be 100% remote and not have to go into an office unless I choose to.
I am blessed my father is out of the hospital and doing remarkably well. He is so encouraging about everything that I do. I could say just about anything and then my dad will respond with pure delight. I could say “Daddy, I crossed the street today.” He would respond, “That’s so nice Badness. I knew you could do it!”
I am blessed to have a group of solid friends who are able to comfort with scripture and not gossip. Who show up for me whether I ask them to fly to Atlanta for my birthday very close to a holiday or when I need a ride to the emergency room because I cannot walk.
I am blessed to have a BFF who is by my side every step of the way. We’ve been friends for so long (30+ years) that I truly believe she knows me better than I know myself.
I am blessed to have come to the realization that I need to make big changes with my money management before a major financial emergency occurred.
I am blessed to have a soul mate. No, it isn’t a love interest. It’s a best friend who cherishes me, looks out for my best interest at all times, and is usually the first to notice when I am feeling blah.
I am blessed to have Hope, my counselor. She makes me think about things in new and insightful ways. She holds me accountable. I am able to tell her the dirty details of my life without judgement and receive wisdom in return. Plus, she laughs at my witty banter. I really love that.
I am blessed to have this blog as a means to journal my feelings. A place to be vulnerable. Readers have been tremendously supportive and engaged. Hope read my blog before our session yesterday and had very kind words (she also mentioned spelling and grammatical errors).
Writing this list was an excellent suggestion. I feel better. Energized. Not quite ready for world domination, but close.
XOXO
Lesson: “It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.” – Germany Kent
Question: Do you ever feel blah? What is your routine for fighting feelings of blah? Any suggestions for me going forward?
I met my original work friend at The Common Table for their Hip Hop Brunch one Sunday. I was hella cute with a black and white striped dress and some leopard wedges. I was ready to catch somebody’s son.
Legs. Legs. Legs.
My friend and I sat at the bar like single ladies should. My seat was next to a guy who was by himself. I smiled. We had some witty banter. He had a vibe. He wasn’t conventionally attractive. His personality made him attractive. His name is going to be John Carl Williams (JCW). I have a thing for saying full names. I can’t explain why because I really don’t know.
JCW was suave, witty and had a sense of humor. An excellent sense of humor. I’m smiling just thinking about him. His personality was cool enough to where all three of us were able to have a conversation. Lots of laughs. JCW and I exchanged numbers. Mission accomplished. I caught somebody’s son.
He was gazing at me and not the camera. Butterflies.
Our first date was to RA Sushi for all day happy hour. This was when I was heavy into fitness and healthy eating choices. My body looked so good. I wore these high waisted black leggings that made my legs look luscious and my belly look nonexistent. It turned out that RA didn’t have the happy hour so we ended up at Pluckers. I smile when I recall our first date. Our interaction was as if we had known each other for years. Easy conversation. We laughed. We drank. We took shots with his friends on FaceTime. It was a complete vibe. I immediately felt like he was my one. My one in a million.
Easy Conversation – Jill Scott
I realize now it is completely outrageous for me to think he was my anything after a couple hours. I fall hard. I fall deep. And I fall quick. If there is a vibe and he shows a little bit of interest, then I get butterflies in my stomach and start fantasizing about the future. For the record, this is something that I am currently working on with Hope. I get so wrapped up in the fantasy. Instantaneously. I say things like, “love of my life,” and “this is the one” before I know their last name.
Red is my favorite color.
JCW and I met for drinks one Sunday evening at the Red Crab. They make crawfish that is almost as good as it is at home. Louisiana. I wore a black dress that fit as if it was made for my body. We sat at the bar, had friendly banter with the bartenders. He was outgoing like me. I had a 1942 tequila shot for the first and only time. I loved JCW’s presence. He was extremely witty with a touch of sarcasm. Like me. He consistently wore Air Max. I believe he had every color of the ‘97. The same ones that I have a few pairs of. A common interest. In my freshman year of college I would only date guys who wore Air Max. That shoe does something for me. His shoes made me think we had a magical connection. He drove a red Dodge Challenger. He wore a red sweatshirt when we met. My favorite color. Irrelevant common interests that meant something special to me. It was meant to be. I imagined telling our grandchildren we met by chance and were immediately inseparable. My happily ever after. Complete delusion.
He asked about my day. That afternoon I went to brunch at Kona Grill with a friend. He asked, “was it a date?” It wasn’t. I’d went to brunch with the same female friend I was with when we originally met. She and I have monthly brunches.
I responded by acting coy. Flustered. Like I didn’t want to say that I was with a guy earlier the same day. I excused myself and went to the restroom. Dramatic. It gave the impression that I had had a date with a man. I didn’t out right lie. But, I did at the same time.
What was I thinking?!? I felt he would be more interested. If I was seeing other people, then I’d look attractive. He would then stake his claim on me, say he didn’t want me to see other people, and we would become exclusive. If you read my first blog, then you’d know this is not the first time I made this stupid decision. I hadn’t learned the lesson.
As you can imagine he didn’t respond as I thought he would. He became cold towards me. Calls became infrequent. I did eventually tell him the truth. By that time, his opinion of me had already changed. I was an immature liar. Our interactions were no longer good vibes. Dates became nonexistent. Texts became one word responses. There was no happily ever after.
This was more than a year ago now. I feel sad when thinking about him, my stupid response and how he acted afterwards. Regretful and immature. To be honest, I think about him a lot. Still. The fantasy of our happily ever after. I want to call him. I really do. Thankfully, I deleted his information months ago. I knew I’d want to call. And I knew he wouldn’t answer if I did.
XOXO
Lesson: Saying that you are seeing other people does not make you irresistible.
Question: I have two levels, complete delusion or complete disinterest. Will I find my in between?
My BFF and I were driving down 183 passing his exit. I asked if she was in a rush or not. No. We headed to Stanley’s.
Stanley
I knew Stanley for a while. I’d been to his place a few times and remembered the directions perfectly. Stanley and I had been situationshipping, but he hadn’t been responding to my calls lately. Which was extra weird considering that I was calling the phone that I gave him. Gosh, I was stupid. I am stupid. I used to be stupid. I won’t be stupid anymore.
BFF and I drove around the maze of the parking lot and parked Action Adventure* in the spot directly in front of his apartment. We were in her car. I figured he wouldn’t know the car. Smart, right?
I sat in the passenger seat of my BFF’s car and called Stanley thirty five times. In a row. Back to back. Why? To this day I have no Earthly idea what was my intention. What could dialing this man’s phone number, back to back, 35 times in a row accomplish? Did I think that these actions would end in a positive result? I couldn’t. Could I? Did I?
He answered.
I gasped. Shocked.
He said, “are you in front of my place?” I gasped, “huh?”
I’m sure you could imagine how that conversation went. What the hell was I thinking? What was the point? Why? Just why?!?!?! This has been 10+ years ago and I still do not know the answer.
Fast forward. I had a Black male colleague on my team for the first time in a long time and we became friends. One day we were talking about our friends and some way some how I figured out that my colleague’s best friend since youth was Stanley. You have got to be kidding me!?! Nope. Best friends! I confessed to my 35 calls from the parking lot to my colleague. We laughed. We moved on.
My team from work went to The Hideaway for happy hour on pay day and guess who wanted to come? Yep. Stanley. By this time I had told the whole team about 35. I should probably be ashamed, but it is too funny for me to hide. So when Stanley walks up everyone had a good laugh at my story again.
Stanley and I reconnected. Laughed about 35. Exchanged information and have been in touch again. For a few years. We connect every now and then. Have a few laughs and then go our separate ways.
We laughed recently. It was fun. I wondered if I’d been missing out by not taking him seriously. Could I actually be with Stanley after all of this time?
Fuck no! Stanley is still Stanleying and I do not have the energy for his level of foolishness.
We can laugh. But I’ll never cry for him again.
XOXO
Lesson: Once ‘ain’t no good’. Always ‘ain’t no good.’
Question: Why do I still entertain Stanley knowing that he ‘ain’t no good?’
*Action Adventure is when you back into a parking spot just in case you have to leave expeditiously.
A year ago today I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I am sure I have had it for much longer than one year. Maybe I’ve had it all of my life. Maybe I have had it for 20 years. I am not sure when was the first time I had an uncontrollable urge to void and then chose to drop my pants in whichever parking lot I was in at that moment. I wish I knew. The moment my life’s journey changed from hopeful ignorance to life changing disability.
I want to be hopeful. I sincerely do. Sometimes. No, most times I am. Then there are the times that I cry uncontrollably. I cry because of the unknowns. Will I adjust to having to consistently wear incontinence underwear? Will I wake up one day and no longer have the use of my right eye, my left leg or one of my arms? Tear.
This post has to end on a positive, right? I have to leave some hopeful quote that I searched for on Google. Got to love the Google.
Not today.
XOXO
Lesson: Real life does not end in “happily ever after.”
Question: What was the moment your entire life changed? Do you know? Would you want to know?
I give up. I officially deleted my Facebook Dating profile. I have come to the overwhelming realization that online dating is not for me. I am still open to meeting someone special. However, I am no longer actively searching for him. I am replacing my deliberate pursuit of him with accomplishing big goals, making self care a priority and continuous personal development. I. Choose. Me.
I can visualize the future me. She’s happy. She’s intentional. She shines. Shine bright like a diamond!
XOXO
Lesson: With or without him, I am going to be alright.
Question: What is your favorite form of self care?
DDCANDTHECITY 