I usually wake up before my 7am alarm. I rinse my mug from the night before. A birthday present from a friend. I love filling my mug from the filtered water spout of my side by side fridge. My new apartment comes with filtered water. It’s a first for me. Chapter Two. The little things mean so much to me. I put the cup in the microwave for 2 minutes then head the two to three steps to my dining table to take my meds. The microwave beeps, I add cinnamon dolce skinny syrup and three ice cubes and stir. I like stirring the ice until it melts. It has a calming effect to the moment. My soul is soothed by a cup of warm tea.
I went camping. Not glamping. Let’s be clear. Real CAMPING. I am talking tents, sleeping bags, cast iron skillets and s’mores. I have come to the realization that I am in love with the outdoors minus mosquitoes.
Friday after work Coffee (my boo from Coffee Meets Bagel) and I loaded up the trunk, met up with two couples and then we caravanned to Lake Texoma, Oklahoma. Coffee drove. I slept the entire way. He’s a speed racer. Not sure what was the reason for the rush. It was best that I close my eyes. Lately, I have feelings of anxiety when other people are driving me. Which is very interesting considering I am not a great driver myself.
Once we arrived every couple worked together to put their tents up. Coffee and I had a regular tent. I assisted by handing him things. He’s so handy. Smile. The other two couples had matching penthouse tents. Their tents were one bedroom apartments bigger than some studio apartments I’ve seen on YouTube.
Tent Sweet Tent
That evening we sat around with the most deliciously seasoned steaks on the fire thanks to my friend. She and her husband coordinated the weekend. She confirmed I have a plus one a couple weeks ago and then asked if we were interested in a camping adventure. Coffee agreed immediately. Smile. He’s been working very hard this season. A weekend away was perfect timing. We all sat around the fire laughing and talking, listening to mellow music and simply enjoying life. Good people. Good vibes. Great times.
Saturday we had scrambled eggs with a vegetable medley. So delicious. The campsite was a short walk to the most relaxing and beautiful beach. I’m still amazed this was a quick road trip to Oklahoma. Wow. I love water. I laid on the sand near the water’s edge listening to a podcast about the ability to be both classy and ratchet at the same time with the sounds of the waves in the background. Bliss.
Saturday evening we played a conversation starting game I found on Amazon. The questions were a mixture of light and thought provoking questions. We talked about what we learned about marriage from watching our parents. I remember one of the husbands saying how much he admired his father and the way his father expresses love for his mother. It was quite beautiful to hear. Reassuring. Long lasting love exists.
I woke up to wet campgrounds Sunday morning. I slept so hard through what I heard was a rough storm. Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream. Coffee kept checking the tent making sure it didn’t leak while I snored. Thankfully, we stayed pretty dry. We got up, broke down the tents, cleaned up our site, packed the trunk once again and headed back to the real world.
I had the most amazing time. I loved seeing Coffee interact in a group setting. He’s more reserved than I am (well honestly everyone is more reserved than me). I was nervous he would sit in the lonely lunch corner while the rest of us enjoyed each other’s company. Fortunately, I had nothing to be nervous about. Coffee was magnificent in every way. I feel like we’re even closer now. It feels good.
XOXO
Lesson: Add an air mattress on the camping essentials list. It takes my body two days to recover after two days of sleeping on the ground.
Question: What did you learn about marriage by watching your parents?
There was a time when I would spend entire weekends in the bed. Of course, I would get up to use the restroom and get something to eat. I would just get back into bed. I would rarely answer the phone. I would occasionally respond to text. I set the thermostat on the coldest temperature, restarted Grace and Frankie from season 1 episode 1 over and over and then get comfortable in bed ready to sleep the day away.
It did not dawn on me that my sleeping was a faint cry for help. If I did not have any obligations to go anywhere, then I would be in the bed. Was I depressed? The thought often crossed my mind. But if I was depressed then why wasn’t I also in bed during the week I wondered? I convinced myself that it wasn’t depression.
In hindsight, I believe it was a case of high functioning depression. My last relationship had ended. . . very badly. I thought he was my future Mr. I was entirely wrong about him and his intentions. I was sad and extremely lonely. The break up felt like a punch in the gut. Ouch! I didn’t want to show up for myself on the weekends. There was no cleaning routine. My place consistently looked like Hurricane DDC had ransacked everything. There was no desire to workout. There wasn’t a relationship with the Lord. I was grieving. I didn’t know it then, but I can clearly identify it now.
This was several years ago now. I was up this morning pulling the sheets off of my bed getting ready to wash (Wednesday is the day to clean my bedroom) and the thought crossed my mind of how I used to spend entire weekends in this bed. Thankfully, I am pass that phase of life. I function. I clean. I pray. I meditate. Occasionally I work out too. I do not want to go back to that place. I will not go back.
XOXO
Lesson: You never know the battles that people are fighting daily.
Question: Do you notice when the life of the party stops living?
I have grown up with the understanding that I move differently than most. Some call it a free spirit. Some call it haphazard. The label you use doesn’t matter much to me. It is the sentiment that I admire. I am not your average woman. Recently, someone called me weird, but I believe the intent was to be hurtful this time.
I have been living by a daily cleaning schedule. Wednesdays is bedroom cleaning day, I am about to put my bedding in the wash when I take a break from this post. I pick out the drinks in my refrigerator from left to right. I expect visitors to do the same. Let me see, what else. I cannot have the sound from the tv on while I am working, but I can listen to music loudly and work and still am able to work productively. My very large mirror has a name, Dandelion and is my prized possession. I occasionally talk to my mirror. Just a comment here and there, never an entire conversation. But that is probably because a mirror cannot talk back. I have a particular way to make my bed in the morning. There is a designated order to the way the pillows are positioned. I go to bed watching the same Netflix show every single night for the last 3-4 years. I do not watch reality tv. It actually irks my nerves to even hear realty tv on my television. I have a special spot where I sit on the sofa. I politely ask guests to switch seats with me if they get to my seat first.
I received a text message stating that I am, “too weird.” Hmmm. Weird. Weird? I am definitely a different kind of a person. But am I weird?
Let me know what you think.
XOXO
Lesson: What someone else thinks about me is irrelevant to me.
Question: Do you think he meant “weird” as an insult?
My dating life has been filled with heartbreak and disappointment. The trails that I have endured have lead me to ask God, “what are You trying to teach me?” What am I to learn from these trials? I am obviously not getting it. Whatever IT is. There has to be a reason for this heartbreak to keep coming one after another. What is it, God? Can You make the lesson clear to me?!? I must be doing something wrong to not have experienced the love that I long for. Does this mean I need to stop trying? Should I get a cat or two and settle into being a fine ass auntie (with no niece or nephew)?
Ironically, I do want a cat. I want to have something to talk to in my empty nest. I have been wanting one for a few years now. The stigma around single women and cats is the major reason I do not have a cat. Hmmm. On some level, I care about what other people think about me. I know I am not supposed to care, but I actually do. I don’t want to meet a guy and he shame me for having a cat. I do not want to have to pay for the boarding of a cat when I travel. My parent’s would never allow the cat in their home. My mom already told me that I would have to leave my cat in the garage when I came home.
I am going to put some thought into what I will do with the cat when I travel.
I met a guy and instantly imagined I was with my new boo thang. I envisioned us cuddling on the sofa watching Sunday football for the rest of the day. I would be on the couch watching him fold his laundry and complete other Sunday chores. I would offer to assist periodically and he would decline and tell me to, “just relax.”
Get these from Whole Foods. You will not be disappointed!
As you may have gathered I’m currently sitting in my corner spot on the sofa, snacking on plant based cookies that I promise taste like Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies writing this post. No chores were done together.
I had imagined this amazing future with a stranger. We barely even communicated at brunch. The only thing I know about this man is his address. Why would I have attached this magical connection to him in the first place?!? Something has to be seriously wrong with me in regards to men if I seriously thought that I would ever hear from him again.
I need Hope right now. I need hope too! This man gave absolutely no indication that he was even mildly interested in me. He really didn’t. I threw myself at him at, “hello.”
I feel sad. I feel disappointed. I feel confused. What is it about me that consistently chooses the wrong guy? Consistently! The absolute only thing they want from me is it. But now it makes me recognize what all of the guys in the past have had in common. . . me. It’s me.
I lead with it. If they lead with it, then cool too. But it isn’t all that I want. I truly want a fairytale. I want to have this awesome meet cute with a guy near the oranges counter at Target. We banter. We finish our grocery shopping together. We go to the Starbucks area and talk until his ice cream melts then we walk off into sunset. Where would I even get that from? No one in my life is living this fairytale that I dream about. Why would I even think it existed? Something needs to be fixed with my thought processes. My imagination runs in the wrong direction.
XOXO
Lesson: Real life is not a fairytale.
Question: Why do you think I have this fairytale? For real. I’d like to know some thoughts. DM me on Instagram @ddcandthecity
You should work hard and get promoted to management.
You should buy a single family home in the suburbs and get a dog.
You should have 2 children.
You should be promoted to senior management.
You should put your kids in a bunch of activities and drive a mini van to haul their soccer equipment.
You should sell your starter home and buy something bigger, drive a luxury vehicle, go on fabulous vacations and have your friends over for catered dinner parties.
The “shoulds.”
Where did they come from? I never had a consultation with the leader of the “shoulds” where I was given the rundown. I just know them. I see them lived out. I attend the celebrations, like the posts, and write “congratulations” on their social media every time someone checks a “should” off of the list. Graduation, engagement, bridal shower, baby shower, house warming, anniversary etc. I “should” have a celebration too. New blog shower🙂
My entire life I have attempted to live by the “shoulds” and consistently failed. Failures that have left me feeling…. less than. Inadequate. Like I am a failure. Like I’ve lived my life wrong. Have I failed at life?
4 year degree? CHECK
Nice guy? NO
Stable job? CHECK**
Married? NO
Management? NO
Single family home? Dog? NO
Two kids? NO
Senior Management? NO
Mini van? NEVER
Big house? Luxury vehicle? Fabulous vacations? Catered dinner parties? NO***
If I compare my life to this list of “shoulds.” A list that I essentially created on my own. Then, I would be a failure. Why have I created a list that I can’t and didn’t complete? I will discuss this with my counselor on Thursday.
I’m ready to burn the “shoulds.” I’m ready to accept myself as I am. To love myself just the way I am. I am a beautiful masterpiece and also a work in progress… at the same time.
There are no “shoulds.” Wait. There’s one.
I should do whatever I need to do to fight for my happiness and live a life that I am proud of.
XOXO
Lesson: Be like Rhianna, and “live your life hey, ayy, ayy, ayy”
Question: Am I the only one with the “shoulds?” What “shoulds” have you told yourself?
**It took me 40 years to land the stable job.
***My vacations are pretty amazing. For clarity, “fabulous,” is on a whole different level. First class not Wanna Get Away.
DDCANDTHECITY 