I’ve been in Louisiana for 70 days now, and I’m just about settled into my space. I have one moving box left to unpack—shoes. It’s amazing how many shoes I have, considering I wear the same pink flip-flops on a regular basis.
I know to clean the guest bathroom every Friday and take the trash out on Tuesday evenings.
I’ve got a couple of churches on my radar and have selected a local Toastmasters club to join.
I know of two taco spots with great deals. Mi Padres has a Taco Tuesday special: three tacos and a margarita for $15.
I started working as a bartender at a daiquiri shop three miles away and had an interview with PJ’s Coffee today, which went well.
Mom and I have developed a good rhythm. I enjoy quality time with my mom and Mason. We saw Inside Out 2 together. Great movie. I’ve made a few connections with old friends.
I was introduced to a very nice cigar bar in town. Good vibes. Great music. Perhaps I enjoyed the venue more because of who I was with than because of the venue itself. Perhaps.
How long does it take to start over? I am starting over in my forties. I have the opportunity to choose my identity. I am trying to figure it out as I go.
I usually wake up before my 7am alarm. I rinse my mug from the night before. A birthday present from a friend. I love filling my mug from the filtered water spout of my side by side fridge. My new apartment comes with filtered water. It’s a first for me. Chapter Two. The little things mean so much to me. I put the cup in the microwave for 2 minutes then head the two to three steps to my dining table to take my meds. The microwave beeps, I add cinnamon dolce skinny syrup and three ice cubes and stir. I like stirring the ice until it melts. It has a calming effect to the moment. My soul is soothed by a cup of warm tea.
Last week I did a little impulse spending. Was it retail therapy? Hmmm? No. Well, maybe. Boredom also played a factor. I bought a desk. For Chapter Two. A gray glass desk from Target. I was scrolling the furniture section and found the cutest gray glass desk for $80. Original price was $232.99. It was on sale. I had to get it immediately.
I am moving into my new apartment next week and I had an impulse that I wanted a gray aesthetic and needed a new gray glass L shaped desk to go in the corner near the window. L shaped desks are boss to me. Girl boss. I bet Michelle Obama has a L shaped desk with a view of her garden.
Today’s impulse was that I would stick to go my tried and true colors. Black and white with pink as the accent color. Guess what! My current desk is black. A sleek black desk that also says girl boss.
After I finished my work day I ran an errand to Target and returned the gray glass desk. . . with Coffee.
XOXO
Lesson: Coffee makes a simple errand an adventure.
Question: Should I have kept the gray glass desk?
Prerequisite: Read my post entitled “A New Subscriber.” “An Errand” will hit differently.
There was a time when I would spend entire weekends in the bed. Of course, I would get up to use the restroom and get something to eat. I would just get back into bed. I would rarely answer the phone. I would occasionally respond to text. I set the thermostat on the coldest temperature, restarted Grace and Frankie from season 1 episode 1 over and over and then get comfortable in bed ready to sleep the day away.
It did not dawn on me that my sleeping was a faint cry for help. If I did not have any obligations to go anywhere, then I would be in the bed. Was I depressed? The thought often crossed my mind. But if I was depressed then why wasn’t I also in bed during the week I wondered? I convinced myself that it wasn’t depression.
In hindsight, I believe it was a case of high functioning depression. My last relationship had ended. . . very badly. I thought he was my future Mr. I was entirely wrong about him and his intentions. I was sad and extremely lonely. The break up felt like a punch in the gut. Ouch! I didn’t want to show up for myself on the weekends. There was no cleaning routine. My place consistently looked like Hurricane DDC had ransacked everything. There was no desire to workout. There wasn’t a relationship with the Lord. I was grieving. I didn’t know it then, but I can clearly identify it now.
This was several years ago now. I was up this morning pulling the sheets off of my bed getting ready to wash (Wednesday is the day to clean my bedroom) and the thought crossed my mind of how I used to spend entire weekends in this bed. Thankfully, I am pass that phase of life. I function. I clean. I pray. I meditate. Occasionally I work out too. I do not want to go back to that place. I will not go back.
XOXO
Lesson: You never know the battles that people are fighting daily.
Question: Do you notice when the life of the party stops living?
I have grown up with the understanding that I move differently than most. Some call it a free spirit. Some call it haphazard. The label you use doesn’t matter much to me. It is the sentiment that I admire. I am not your average woman. Recently, someone called me weird, but I believe the intent was to be hurtful this time.
I have been living by a daily cleaning schedule. Wednesdays is bedroom cleaning day, I am about to put my bedding in the wash when I take a break from this post. I pick out the drinks in my refrigerator from left to right. I expect visitors to do the same. Let me see, what else. I cannot have the sound from the tv on while I am working, but I can listen to music loudly and work and still am able to work productively. My very large mirror has a name, Dandelion and is my prized possession. I occasionally talk to my mirror. Just a comment here and there, never an entire conversation. But that is probably because a mirror cannot talk back. I have a particular way to make my bed in the morning. There is a designated order to the way the pillows are positioned. I go to bed watching the same Netflix show every single night for the last 3-4 years. I do not watch reality tv. It actually irks my nerves to even hear realty tv on my television. I have a special spot where I sit on the sofa. I politely ask guests to switch seats with me if they get to my seat first.
I received a text message stating that I am, “too weird.” Hmmm. Weird. Weird? I am definitely a different kind of a person. But am I weird?
Let me know what you think.
XOXO
Lesson: What someone else thinks about me is irrelevant to me.
Question: Do you think he meant “weird” as an insult?
My dating life has been filled with heartbreak and disappointment. The trails that I have endured have lead me to ask God, “what are You trying to teach me?” What am I to learn from these trials? I am obviously not getting it. Whatever IT is. There has to be a reason for this heartbreak to keep coming one after another. What is it, God? Can You make the lesson clear to me?!? I must be doing something wrong to not have experienced the love that I long for. Does this mean I need to stop trying? Should I get a cat or two and settle into being a fine ass auntie (with no niece or nephew)?
Ironically, I do want a cat. I want to have something to talk to in my empty nest. I have been wanting one for a few years now. The stigma around single women and cats is the major reason I do not have a cat. Hmmm. On some level, I care about what other people think about me. I know I am not supposed to care, but I actually do. I don’t want to meet a guy and he shame me for having a cat. I do not want to have to pay for the boarding of a cat when I travel. My parent’s would never allow the cat in their home. My mom already told me that I would have to leave my cat in the garage when I came home.
I am going to put some thought into what I will do with the cat when I travel.
I’m feeling . . . some type of way. I don’t know how to describe it. Wait, let me check my feelings wheel. . .
Numb.
I feel numb.
Deprived of the power of sensation. Deprived of words. I can’t stop thinking about the possibility that the multiple sclerosis has progressed. That I will be told there are more lesions on my brain. What will I do?
Tear.
Then at that very moment I hear Beyoncé’s voice belt through my radio!
You won’t break my soul
You won’t break my soul
You won’t break my soul
You won’t break my soul
I’m tellin’ everybody
MS, YOU WONT BREAK MY SOUL!
The results don’t matter. I’m going to be alright. I will handle whatever happens like I’m 100% THAT GIRL.
XOXO
Lesson: Don’t worry about things you have zero control over. It won’t help so why waste the time. Instead, enjoy every moment to its fullest potential.
There was a Beyoncé trivia night at Cafe 214 last Saturday. I heard about the event and immediately text a bunch of friends, bought a table and started to plan an outfit that was Beyoncé worthy.
On the day of the event quite a bit of my friends had other things happen that made them no longer available. Cool. I was still going and going to have a great time.
I arrived late. Checked in. I had an 8 person booth to myself. I stretched out. Picked a team name. DDC. Ordered a tequila sunrise and a watermelon mint hookah. That hookah hit hard. HARDT. Turned the night into a solo date and embraced being with my thoughts and Beyoncé. The only time I remembered that I was alone is when I didn’t know the answer to the trivia question. But I phoned a friend and got the answer.
Enough room for me to stretch out:)
The ladies at the table across from me were hella friendly. The event was an entire vibe. Hookah was potent. Music selections were banging. The Bee Hive was in full effect. I sang my heart out when the question involved Beyoncé’s song, “1+1.”
If I ain’t got nothing, I got you. If I ain’t got something, I don’t give a damn. Cause I got it with you. I don’t know much about algebra, but I know one plus one equals two!
Algebra was the answer. The atmosphere was the perfect balance of chill and hype. Second round started. Hmmm. I have to use the restroom. I should have went to the restroom at intermission. I was playing on my phone instead. Instagram is life. I really need to go to the restroom. They played some of my favorite Beyoncé songs and I sang along. Very loudly. I wanted to wait until the game was over. After two rounds of questions regarding the Queen, “what’s her dad’s name?” and “how many Grammys does she have?” Matthew and I have no idea. They began a round of Urban Trivia. I finally went to the restroom. By this time, it was a full on emergency. I walked briskly towards the women sign. As soon as I opened the door, I saw the line of ladies who also were antsy for a little relief. Uh oh. I thought about pleading my case to skip. I didn’t say anything. Got my spot in line. UH OH. I immediately proceeded to have an accident. Right there standing next to the stall. I felt the leakage rolling down my leg. Fuck!
Yes, I knew I had to use it. Yes, I know holding it is an issue for me. I didn’t want to miss any trivia questions. That shit wasn’t even important. I wasn’t even close to winning. The restroom was next to the speakers so I’m sure I could have heard the questions. In hindsight, I realize this accident was completely avoidable. I have an issue with incontinence. I know this. I’ve had it so long that I cannot remember when it started. 15+ years. I’ve peed in numerous parking lots, on the side of buildings, in the dressing room of Cache in Cortana Mall, and once on the highway where 114 and George Bush intersect. However, These last 2-3 years my issue has become a major challenge. My quality of life has been altered. I now peed on myself in the restroom at Cafe 214.
Luckily, I’m always prepared for these situations. I keep wipes, extra underwear and even a pair of jean shorts in the car at all times. I cleaned myself up in the car. Went back to my seat. By this time the waitress had taken the remnants of my drink and my hookah from the table. She thought I had left. I decided to leave. I felt icky. I was alone. I wanted a shower, a bed and a heavy cry.
I started to cry as soon as I drove out of the parking lot. Sob actually. A real nasty heavy cry. There was also a runny nose. Just nasty. The devil whispered in my ear, “you are alone. You have no one. You have nowhere to go. Nobody to call.” The devil really is a liar. I’ve heard that said countless times. This is the first time he’s lied and I recognized the lie. In truth, I’m the opposite of alone. I have a phenomenal support system of family and friends.
My phone rang. It was my BFF. She knew I had an accident. She wanted to check on me. She has a telepathic sense of when I need her. I told her earlier about my accident and she wanted to make sure that I was feeling okay. I’ve never been alone. That damn devil. Lying and shit. My BFF has come to every single appointment with my neurologist for the last year. She asks the questions that I forget. She takes notes. She also reports the status update to the rest of my support system each time. I have multiple sclerosis. An autoimmune disease. One of the side effects of MS is incontinence. I wasn’t crying because I was alone. Damn devil. I was crying because I have this shit. Multiple Sclerosis. I’m still learning what multiple sclerosis means. I barely know how to spell it. Thanks autocorrect.
I was diagnosed August 2021 when another friend drove me to the emergency room. Stayed all day. Test after test and two MRIs. She was next to me when the cold ass Karen told me that I have it. Multiple Sclerosis. I have multiple sclerosis. Fuck.
Back to last Saturday. Once I remembered the devil is a liar. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I am the furthest thing from alone. The devil knows my weakness. I was invited to a pool party. I have a lot of friendsand associates. I showered. Put on a swimsuit that makes titties TITTY. Uber cute and my favorite colors. Black and white. I got the address and headed to the pool party. I needed a drink and a laugh. I knew both would be there. It was a great night. Hilarious people. Laughs galore. Too much alcohol. I had a half of a red Solo cup of Cabernet. There were these cinnamon rolls that were extremely hard to put down. I even slid down the pool slide. A good fucking time.
I conquered the slide!
I did not let a five minute challenge ruin my entire day. Gold star. Saturday was an event filled day consisting of gun range and Bar Louie with a new male friend. Wink. Beyoncé trivia, pool party and it ended with some excellent sleep. It was a good day.
XOXO
Lesson: Don’t let MS hold you back. Take a shower and go on.
DDCANDTHECITY 