About Me, Career, Chapter 2, Mental Health, Personal Finances

Feeling Low

I’m feeling low. I haven’t had an income since March. I’m literally living off the grace of God and my Mom.

I’ve had a few interviews. The interview process is completely draining. I am drained. Mentally drained. Physically drained. In the interviews, I turn my personality all the way on. I am engaging. I take notes. I’m knowledgeable about the organization. I’ve made notes about the interviewer from their LinkedIn profiles. I show my interest in the role without the true desperation I actually feel. When I really just want to say, “pick me, choose me, hire me. Please, just give me a chance!”

I want to push through. I’m trying to push through. It’s a daily struggle. Trying to be hopeful. Trying not to drown in my tears. All the while I really just want to give up. I want to curl up in the bed. Comfy pajamas. Covers over my head. Schitts Creek playing in the laptop. Crumpled up used tear stained tissues all around.

DDC

Lesson: Sadness has moved in.

Question: What do I do now?

Standard
About Me, Daddy, Mental Health, Personal Finances, Where to?

Starburst

A change of address is coming and I am experiencing a multitude of emotions. Excited. Sad. Nervous. Eager. Nostalgic. Regretful. Joyful. Curious. Grateful. 

Excited. I moved to Texas two weeks after my college graduation in May 2005. I have visited throughout the years but never longer than 2 weeks. I am excited to experience the 2024 version of Louisiana. Excited to establish a life of intention. Excited for a chance for a new beginning. A life reset:)

Sad. 

Nervous. Being in my parent’s home without my Daddy has saddened me every visit. Sometimes just for a moment. Sometimes for a few hours that include wailing tears. I am nervous about my ability to maintain a positive, happy, hopeful disposition. Nervous that my sparkle will dwindle in my new environment. Nervous that the grief stricken energy which permeates the walls of my parent’s home will transfer to me. Nervous that my pop of pink starburst energy will become beige. 

Eager. Moving home is the ultimate reset. A metamorphosis. During metamorphosis, the caterpillar undergoes significant changes in its body structure and physiology, eventually emerging as a completely different creature with adaptations suited for its adult life. I am eager to undergo significant changes. Change in body structure. Change in environment. Change in mindset. 

Nostalgic. A time was had in the DFW metroplex these last 19 years. I have been reflecting over the people and places that made an impact on who I am today. I spent many a Friday night happy hours at the Pappadeaux’s on Frankford then would let the night take us where it may. Hey Kelly*. I remember the night that a semi famous comedian gave me the dollars out of his pocket after I performed Mary J. Blidge’s ‘Not Gon Cry’ at Maxwell’s on a Tuesday. Karaoke was, is, and will forever be my love. Thankfully, I stumbled upon a Thursday night karaoke only 3 miles away.

Regretful. Are you familiar with the butterfly effect? A concept which suggests that small changes in initial conditions can lead to vastly different outcomes. New discoveries of productivity and attention strategies that I have been learning recently make me wonder who I could have been if I knew then what I know now. I am currently using a pomodoro technique to write this blog. It is a time management method designed to improve focus and productivity by breaking work into manageable chunks and incorporating regular breaks to maintain mental freshness. It involves breaking work into intervals, traditionally 25 minutes in length, separated by short breaks. I wonder who would I be if I knew the pomodoro technique in 2005. What could I have done with that one simple technique? We will never know and it does no good to ponder over the what ifs.

Joyful. I am moving home to live with my Mom. Last year my Mom suggested the idea of my moving home. I am still in shock that this move was her idea. I am joyful to have the opportunity to build a meaningful relationship with her at this stage of our lives. Joyful for the front row seat to her potential metamorphosis. EXTREMELY joyful for having a significant reduction in monthly living expenses. 

Curious. What lies ahead? Will I shine bright like a diamond? Will I be a neutral beige? Will my Mom and I become buddies and have a made for television relationship? Hallmark not Tubi.

Grateful. I am grateful that my Mom has welcomed me into her home. 

DDC

Lesson: A passenger called me Starburst as a nickname this week and I liked it. 

Question: Any tips on starting over in your 40s? 

Standard
Mental Health

Unhappy

It is becoming exceedingly difficult to get out of the bed on a daily basis. The scale is at an all time high. Black leggings and graphic t-shirts hide the weight. Desperately begging for male attention. Unsure how to spend my time when I do have the energy to be productive. The list of to dos is growing consistently and continues to be undone.

I feel numb. Despair. Lonely. Hurt.

Unhappy.

DDC

Lesson: I feel unhappy.

Question: What now?

Standard
Chapter 2, Mental Health

Me, Myself, and I

I don’t want to give you the wrong impression, I need love and affection. Future said it. I feel it. My ideal situation would be living together. Constant daily interactions.

I need more. More quality time. More words of affirmation. I am a person who craves attention.

If I did what I plan to do when I actually plan to do it then would I still feel lonely?

I am learning more and more day to day that no one is going to give me the kind of attention that I crave…. other than myself.

DDC

Lesson: I need people.

Question: Am I wanting too much?

Standard
Chapter 2, Multiple Sclerosis, Therapy

Quality of Life

So, here’s the deal: I’m basically the leaking champion, gotta change my Depends at least 3 times a day. My bladder is a drama queen. I rock two Depends incontinence underwear simultaneously just to keep up with my bladder’s antics. Tried meds, even had Botox parties in my bladder—didn’t last longer than a Snapchat streak!

Next they’re talking Axonics Therapy, where they zap your nerves with a mini-implant. Sounds like a sci-fi plot twist, right? But it’s gonna cost me $3,000. I’m over here counting pennies, wondering if this fancy Axonics Therapy will actually work or leave me broke and still running to the bathroom!

I have multiple sclerosis. Diagnosed August 2021. Symptoms have been present for 20+ years. An invisible illness. I do not use a wheelchair or cane, therefore my illness is invisible… Unless you notice my struggle with balance. But even then one may simply assume I’m tipsy.

I suffer from urinary incontinence. The loss of bladder control. The severity ranges from occasionally leaking urine when I cough or sneeze to having an urge to urinate that’s so sudden and strong that I cannot get to a toilet in time.

My neurologist asked about the latest statistics on my bladder issues in my last appointment. Saying out loud that I leak 3-5 times a day felt like a punch. My doctor called it a “quality of life” issue. I’m so used to leaking that it has become a part of my identity. This isn’t normal. I don’t want it to be my normal. I have got to find $3,000.

DDC

Lesson: My MS is not invisible to me.

Question: What’s affecting your quality of life?

Standard
Chapter 2, Humor, Mental Health

Animated Life Lessons

The theme of today is “Keep moving forward.”

Three words. Simple. Powerful. Inspiring.

Keep moving forward is the theme from the animated movie Meet The Robinsons. Have you seen it? It’s the story of an orphan, Lewis, finding his family.

There’s a scene in the movie when Lewis, a 12 year old aspiring inventor gathered his family at the dinner table to demonstrate his latest invention. A peanut butter and jelly dispenser gun. Everyone is standing around the table waiting to experience a peanut butter and jelly presentation that would end with tasty treats. Lewis tinkers with his invention for a bit. Turns his gadget on. It starts jerking and you know something is off. Then the entire family is splashed with peanut butter and jelly.

Lewis starts apologizing profusely. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. He was heartbroken. Lowering his head in disappointment.

The uncle gasps and then yells excitedly, “you failed” with a huge grin on his face. It was exceptional says his brother. “It was outstanding” says his cousin.

From failure, you learn. From success? Not so much.

Keep moving forward.

Life has been life-ing. For everyone lately. Global warming. Political polarization. Mental health issues. Healthcare access. Police brutality. Income inequalities. Inflation.

I remember walking to the McDonald’s with my next door neighbor as a teenager. Her parents had a huge vase of coins. We all were able to grab the $3.23 for our combos.

Now, a Big Mac Meal from McDonald’s is creeping too close to ten dollars. Inflation is everywhere.

This list goes. . .

Keep moving forward.

DDC

Lesson: Keep moving forward.

Question: What’s your go-to method for bouncing back from a bad day?

Standard
About Me, Chapter 2, Mental Health

Reset

I absolutely love a reset. Yearly reset. Monthly reset. Weekly reset. Daily reset. A reset is a chance to start over. A reset is the opportunity of a new beginning. 

“In the canvas of life, a new beginning is the brushstroke that paints the beauty of possibility. It’s not just a chance to start over; it’s an opportunity to craft a masterpiece, a chance to get it right, and an embrace of the endless potential that unfolds with every fresh start.”

I love to watch YouTube videos of people conducting their own resets. My favorite YouTuber MuchelleB is famous (to me) for the reset. She walks us through her resets with her Australian accent and I am always engrossed. So intrigued that I have rewatched her videos from 3-4 years ago with patience. It’s amusing to watch her older resets as she is using platforms that I am unfamiliar with. Have you ever heard of Things 3? 

Every new year I make a list of lofty goals in several areas of my life that I dream to achieve during the year. I would spend weeks creating elaborate vision boards of my dreams for a successful year. Then I would not refer to that vision board until the next year to create the new vision. 

This year is different. Totally different. In my Tamar Braxton voice. This year I am reviewing my annual goals on a weekly basis. Making plans for that week to progress towards the vision. 

“A goal without a plan is just a wish, a dream waiting for the blueprint of action to bring it to life.”

How did I plan to achieve the beautiful elaborate vision board without a plan? Hence, the weekly reset. On a weekly basis I review the goals for the year and plan what needs to happen that week in order to achieve the bigger picture. This year I am using the tools I have learned from watching countless YouTube videos on how to achieve the desires of my heart. 

DDC

Lesson: A reset is a weekly must. 

Question: How do you prepare for a new week? A new month? A new year? 

Standard
Chapter 2, Mental Health

Where to?

My mental health is being impacted by my job. I’m on edge daily. When I hear the ping of an instant message I immediately become afraid. Afraid wondering who it is from and afraid wondering if I have some how fallen short again. My anxiety is at an all time high lately and I’ve been needing my as needed Xanax prescription more than ever.

I dread meetings with my manager and his chief of staff.

The chief of staff put a meeting on my calendar at 3p on Monday and I was fearful that I was being fired. Turns out she wanted to discuss my questions about the medical insurance. That meeting could have been an email.

I realize I cannot continue my life in a constant state of fear. My resume has been updated. I will start applying for something else this weekend.

DDC

Lesson: I have to get out.

Question: Will someone else hire me in project management with three months of experience or am I stuck here?

Standard
Chapter 2

Gratitude Explained

Last week was mentally exhausting. I had dreams of burning bridges, sending honest email messages telling people exactly how I felt cursing them out with a professional twist, and throwing a couple laptops off the roof of a nearby 10 story building. I decided to focus on gratitude. It is always better to focus on the positives of life.

This week I am still choosing gratitude. Grateful for the challenges I am encountering because I know there will be a blessing on the other side.

DDC

Lesson: Joy will come in God’s timing.

Question: You have a choice. Change your situation or change the way you look at it. Which do you choose?

Standard
Chapter 2

Grateful

Grateful for God’s timing.

Grateful to have made a career pivot from recruiting to project management.

Grateful to receive a job offer before my unemployment benefits were exhausted.

Grateful to having been hired with limited professional project management experience.

Grateful for the ability to handle my expenses.

Grateful my health insurance benefits begin on February 1st.

Grateful for on-the-job training.

Grateful to feel excited about my career again.

Grateful my peer and I have a positive relationship with open communication and occasional laughter.

Grateful tomorrow is payday.

Grateful to have access to LinkedIn Learning Courses for no charge through the Dallas Library and an old friend to share useful information.

Grateful to have completed a Microsoft Project Course that immediately provided value.

Grateful for a developing professional relationship with the partner program manager.

Grateful the technical resources take time to explain the technical aspects of the project in a way I can understand.

Grateful the daily start time is flexible.

Grateful to be excited about learning.

Grateful to be halfway complete with the Google Project Management Certification.

Grateful the concepts are easy to understand and apply.

Grateful to feel invested in my career.

DDC

Lesson: Making an intentional effort to focus on gratitude.

Question: Any suggestions on which LinkedIn Learning Course to take next?

Standard