I’m feeling low. I haven’t had an income since March. I’m literally living off the grace of God and my Mom.
I’ve had a few interviews. The interview process is completely draining. I am drained. Mentally drained. Physically drained. In the interviews, I turn my personality all the way on. I am engaging. I take notes. I’m knowledgeable about the organization. I’ve made notes about the interviewer from their LinkedIn profiles. I show my interest in the role without the true desperation I actually feel. When I really just want to say, “pick me, choose me, hire me. Please, just give me a chance!”
I want to push through. I’m trying to push through. It’s a daily struggle. Trying to be hopeful. Trying not to drown in my tears. All the while I really just want to give up. I want to curl up in the bed. Comfy pajamas. Covers over my head. Schitts Creek playing in the laptop. Crumpled up used tear stained tissues all around.
A change of address is coming and I am experiencing a multitude of emotions. Excited. Sad. Nervous. Eager. Nostalgic. Regretful. Joyful. Curious. Grateful.
Excited. I moved to Texas two weeks after my college graduation in May 2005. I have visited throughout the years but never longer than 2 weeks. I am excited to experience the 2024 version of Louisiana. Excited to establish a life of intention. Excited for a chance for a new beginning. A life reset:)
Sad.
Nervous. Being in my parent’s home without my Daddy has saddened me every visit. Sometimes just for a moment. Sometimes for a few hours that include wailing tears. I am nervous about my ability to maintain a positive, happy, hopeful disposition. Nervous that my sparkle will dwindle in my new environment. Nervous that the grief stricken energy which permeates the walls of my parent’s home will transfer to me. Nervous that my pop of pink starburst energy will become beige.
Eager. Moving home is the ultimate reset. A metamorphosis. During metamorphosis, the caterpillar undergoes significant changes in its body structure and physiology, eventually emerging as a completely different creature with adaptations suited for its adult life. I am eager to undergo significant changes. Change in body structure. Change in environment. Change in mindset.
Nostalgic. A time was had in the DFW metroplex these last 19 years. I have been reflecting over the people and places that made an impact on who I am today. I spent many a Friday night happy hours at the Pappadeaux’s on Frankford then would let the night take us where it may. Hey Kelly*. I remember the night that a semi famous comedian gave me the dollars out of his pocket after I performed Mary J. Blidge’s ‘Not Gon Cry’ at Maxwell’s on a Tuesday. Karaoke was, is, and will forever be my love. Thankfully, I stumbled upon a Thursday night karaoke only 3 miles away.
Regretful. Are you familiar with the butterfly effect? A concept which suggests that small changes in initial conditions can lead to vastly different outcomes. New discoveries of productivity and attention strategies that I have been learning recently make me wonder who I could have been if I knew then what I know now. I am currently using a pomodoro technique to write this blog. It is a time management method designed to improve focus and productivity by breaking work into manageable chunks and incorporating regular breaks to maintain mental freshness. It involves breaking work into intervals, traditionally 25 minutes in length, separated by short breaks. I wonder who would I be if I knew the pomodoro technique in 2005. What could I have done with that one simple technique? We will never know and it does no good to ponder over the what ifs.
Joyful. I am moving home to live with my Mom. Last year my Mom suggested the idea of my moving home. I am still in shock that this move was her idea. I am joyful to have the opportunity to build a meaningful relationship with her at this stage of our lives. Joyful for the front row seat to her potential metamorphosis. EXTREMELY joyful for having a significant reduction in monthly living expenses.
Curious. What lies ahead? Will I shine bright like a diamond? Will I be a neutral beige? Will my Mom and I become buddies and have a made for television relationship? Hallmark not Tubi.
Grateful. I am grateful that my Mom has welcomed me into her home.
DDC
Lesson: A passenger called me Starburst as a nickname this week and I liked it.
It is becoming exceedingly difficult to get out of the bed on a daily basis. The scale is at an all time high. Black leggings and graphic t-shirts hide the weight. Desperately begging for male attention. Unsure how to spend my time when I do have the energy to be productive. The list of to dos is growing consistently and continues to be undone.
I don’t want to give you the wrong impression, I need love and affection. Future said it. I feel it. My ideal situation would be living together. Constant daily interactions.
I need more. More quality time. More words of affirmation. I am a person who craves attention.
If I did what I plan to do when I actually plan to do it then would I still feel lonely?
I am learning more and more day to day that no one is going to give me the kind of attention that I crave…. other than myself.
Keep moving forward is the theme from the animated movie Meet The Robinsons. Have you seen it? It’s the story of an orphan, Lewis, finding his family.
There’s a scene in the movie when Lewis, a 12 year old aspiring inventor gathered his family at the dinner table to demonstrate his latest invention. A peanut butter and jelly dispenser gun. Everyone is standing around the table waiting to experience a peanut butter and jelly presentation that would end with tasty treats. Lewis tinkers with his invention for a bit. Turns his gadget on. It starts jerking and you know something is off. Then the entire family is splashed with peanut butter and jelly.
Lewis starts apologizing profusely. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. He was heartbroken. Lowering his head in disappointment.
The uncle gasps and then yells excitedly, “you failed” with a huge grin on his face. It was exceptional says his brother. “It was outstanding” says his cousin.
From failure, you learn. From success? Not so much.
Keep moving forward.
Life has been life-ing. For everyone lately. Global warming. Political polarization. Mental health issues. Healthcare access. Police brutality. Income inequalities. Inflation.
I remember walking to the McDonald’s with my next door neighbor as a teenager. Her parents had a huge vase of coins. We all were able to grab the $3.23 for our combos.
Now, a Big Mac Meal from McDonald’s is creeping too close to ten dollars. Inflation is everywhere.
This list goes. . .
Keep moving forward.
DDC
Lesson: Keep moving forward.
Question: What’s your go-to method for bouncing back from a bad day?
I absolutely love a reset. Yearly reset. Monthly reset. Weekly reset. Daily reset. A reset is a chance to start over. A reset is the opportunity of a new beginning.
“In the canvas of life, a new beginning is the brushstroke that paints the beauty of possibility. It’s not just a chance to start over; it’s an opportunity to craft a masterpiece, a chance to get it right, and an embrace of the endless potential that unfolds with every fresh start.”
I love to watch YouTube videos of people conducting their own resets. My favorite YouTuber MuchelleB is famous (to me) for the reset. She walks us through her resets with her Australian accent and I am always engrossed. So intrigued that I have rewatched her videos from 3-4 years ago with patience. It’s amusing to watch her older resets as she is using platforms that I am unfamiliar with. Have you ever heard of Things 3?
Every new year I make a list of lofty goals in several areas of my life that I dream to achieve during the year. I would spend weeks creating elaborate vision boards of my dreams for a successful year. Then I would not refer to that vision board until the next year to create the new vision.
This year is different. Totally different. In my Tamar Braxton voice. This year I am reviewing my annual goals on a weekly basis. Making plans for that week to progress towards the vision.
“A goal without a plan is just a wish, a dream waiting for the blueprint of action to bring it to life.”
How did I plan to achieve the beautiful elaborate vision board without a plan? Hence, the weekly reset. On a weekly basis I review the goals for the year and plan what needs to happen that week in order to achieve the bigger picture. This year I am using the tools I have learned from watching countless YouTube videos on how to achieve the desires of my heart.
DDC
Lesson: A reset is a weekly must.
Question: How do you prepare for a new week? A new month? A new year?
My mental health is being impacted by my job. I’m on edge daily. When I hear the ping of an instant message I immediately become afraid. Afraid wondering who it is from and afraid wondering if I have some how fallen short again. My anxiety is at an all time high lately and I’ve been needing my as needed Xanax prescription more than ever.
I dread meetings with my manager and his chief of staff.
The chief of staff put a meeting on my calendar at 3p on Monday and I was fearful that I was being fired. Turns out she wanted to discuss my questions about the medical insurance. That meeting could have been an email.
I realize I cannot continue my life in a constant state of fear. My resume has been updated. I will start applying for something else this weekend.
DDC
Lesson: I have to get out.
Question: Will someone else hire me in project management with three months of experience or am I stuck here?
Later tonight, I am hosting the debut karaoke night at Lena’s Ontechnology for a college friend. In my low mood, all I wanted to do was… well, absolutely nothing. I didn’t feel like doing a single thing. My usual spark was missing in action. How in the hell am I going to be able to put my game face on enough to host a karaoke night when I do not want to get out of bed? I woke up in a low mood. Last night, I decided that I would wake up at 7 a.m. Unfortunately, I did not tell the alarm clock. I naturally woke up after 8 a.m. to disappointment. I wanted to lay in bed longer than a sloth on a weekend. But then, thankfully, I remembered I had a phone interview for a project management position at 10 a.m. I needed to do my usual interview preparation. I needed to research the company, review the interviewer’s LinkedIn profile, and prepare some thought provoking questions.
So, I played my interview anthem to get in gear. Rick Ross blared over the HomePod loud and clear, “Everyday I’m hustlin’. Everyday I’m, everyday I’m, everyday I’m hustlin’. Everyday I’m hustlin’.” Okay. It’s go time!! I pulled up my resume, the job description, and LinkedIn and waited patiently. And you won’t believe it, the interviewer was a no call, no show to the phone interview that I was so excited about. After waiting for 15+ minutes, I realized that she wasn’t going to call. I did my due diligence and sent an email requesting a reschedule, and then at that moment, a heavy cloud came over my spirit. I wanted to get back in bed and stay there… indefinitely. So, I sent out the SOS text to my tribe (I needed encouragement) and then called my Mama and cried. I had a really good cry. My Mom reminded me that I’ve conquered this unemployment demon before and I WILL do it again. Instead of getting in the bed and deep under the covers, I made the decision to fight the low mood. Besides, I have to be fabulous tonight. I had a list of things to cross off my to-do list. Hair. Outfit. Makeup. Plus I needed to send out a few reminders about tonight’s festivities.
I stopped by Walgreens on the way home and picked up some prints of my family. My sister had the idea to get a picture of Daddy printed for her place. I picked out my favorite picture of Daddy. He had the biggest smile. The kind of smile where your eyes squint. I bought him a Michael Kors shirt for Christmas one year. His first designer article of clothing. His excitement shines through the photo. It was my Mom’s idea to keep the original price on the shirt. I never told him that I got it from Nordstrom’s Rack for half the ticketed price. I also printed a photo of my sister, Nicole, my Mom, and I from the New Orleans City Park from 2022. I’d arranged for my cousin to take our pictures as a surprise for my Mom. The third picture was of my BFF and I from my 40th birthday in 2021. I am in rare form in that picture. My BFF is looking beautiful, poised, and reserved as usual next to my gangster chic. Printing pictures is such a lost art. My stomach began to growl a bit. Walgreens is in the same parking lot as El Fenix. Chips and salsa, please! I treated myself to the chocolate caramel sopapilla and a tequila sunrise. I sent out a few reminders about tonight.
My neighbor came over, and we had girl chat while I finished putting on my makeup. She instructed me to put a gold shimmer in my tear duct. A tip that was the perfect addition to my nighttime look. We proceeded to drink a few shots of tequila. Well, she had shots, and I had coconut flavored tequila with water as my mixer. I arrived at Lena’s Ontechnology, and I saw my BFF already in the parking lot. She’s not known for being early for events. Her presence gave me a sense of calmness and familiarity that I needed tonight. I walked in, and there were already three more friends sitting on the barstools with huge smiles and comforting words. I felt so loved.
Yes! Let’s get this party started!!! 🎤🎶
Lesson: I do experience low vibrations from time to time. Job searching is emotionally draining. I need people. I’m energized by being around people.
My Daddy played the role of mediator between my mother and me. He always knew the perfect words at the perfect moment.
One Thanksgiving, my mom and Daddy came to Texas. Loaded up the car with all the ingredients needed to make gumbo. My Mom and I decided that was the year I would finally learn how to cook her gumbo.
Well. My Mom’s teaching style didn’t quite match with my learning style. I typically cooked from recipes with precise measurements. Hello Fresh comes with pictures, you know. On the other hand, my Mom is skilled at eyeball method of measurement. Simply put. This led to a lot of frustration between my Mom and I. The tension was real real thick. my Daddy sensed it being his time to step in. He pleaded, “Come on now, y’all!” Lol. Since then I have developed my own way of cooking gumbo. It’s passable. Of course it doesn’t compare to my mom’s.
To my Mama, I love you! I love you just the way you are. You embody the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman. Just like her, you diligently take care of your responsibilities and prioritize them .. often placing them ahead of your own desires.
Mama, you have every right to prioritize your own well-being. I implore you to prioritize your own happiness. Each day, I hope you wake up and choose happiness despite the challenges. I recognize how tough it can be—it’s a going to be a difficult journey. But remember, YOU can do hard things. The key lies in your choices.
So, choose happiness.
XOXO
Lesson: Happiness is a choice.
Question: How are you prioritizing your happiness today?
Today would have been my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for my Mom to face this day without my Daddy.
August 18, 1973
Mama – I want you to know that I am here for you, and I’m holding you close in my heart. Daddy’s presence may not be physically with us, but his love and the memories we shared will always remain.
Today, let’s take a moment to honor your beautiful 50 year journey, the love you shared, and the life y’all built together. We will celebrate your love and cherish the memories that will forever be a part of us.
What can I do for you today? If you need anything, please remember I am here for you. I am ready to provide you support, comfort and laughter. Together, we will find the strength necessary to navigate this next chapter.
DDCANDTHECITY 