Category Archives: About Me

About Me, Mental Health, Therapy

Black Friday

Spent Black Friday in the emergency waiting room.

On Thanksgiving day, my mom and I went to visit my dad in the behavioral health unit of Baton Rouge General. My dad has had severe mental health issues my entire life. Bipolar, depression, anxiety, and possibly schizophrenia. He has spent the majority of this last year in and out of mental institutions. My dad’s psychiatrist of the last 30+ years died in 2021. The new doctors keep changing his medication and now my dad isn’t the same anymore.

Before we left the house my mom call and asked if we could bring him Thanksgiving dinner and the facility said, “outside food is not allowed in the unit.” We were escorted to the visitor’s room and a few minutes later an aide rolled my dad into the room in a wheelchair. He has been having trouble walking for a while. He uses a walker at home. Seeing him in the wheelchair made it all real to me. My dad needs a wheelchair. He did not know that I was coming with my mom so when his eyes caught my eyes the excitement was undeniable.

It was my first visit seeing him in the hospital. My dad has been in and out of mental institutions my entire life for erratic behavior. However, I can count on one hand how many times I have actually seen him in that state. My parent’s still think of me as a their baby. I am the youngest of two. They have sheltered me from the whole story my entire life. On the other hand, my sister is older. She was not able to receive that same shelter growing up unfortunately. Therefore, she and I have different relationships with our dad.

The visit was short, but pleasant. No appearance of erratic behavior. His words were clear. He apologized for ruining the holiday and my birthday. He did not ruin anything. My mom was able to sneak in some Barq’s root beer for him. He smiled. He was happy. We talked about cars and had some small talk. He remembered a conversation he had with my son from the summer about Mason’s Thanksgiving plans. My dad adores my son. Mason is my dad’s only grandson.

This last week the doctors were changing some of my dad’s medications and he would be ready for discharge on Black Friday.

Black Friday came. My mom went to get him. I met them at the front door. This time when my dad’s eyes caught mine he started crying. Wailing. I did not know what to do. For some reason, the only words that came to me were, “how are you doing?” I was pretty sure that those were not the right words and this was not the right time. I guided him to his room. I stood next to him in silence as he continued to cry.

This was all unreal to me. My dad sat in the room for hours crying and refusing to eat anything. This is how they discharged him? Is he somehow better? Cannot be! Seeing my dad this way was extremely painful. My mom has to function like this daily!?! How?!?

How does it make me feel? Let me get my feelings wheel out.

Helpless. I feel helpless. I don’t have the words to say that will fix it all. I don’t know what to do. How can I help him? How can I help my mom as his caregiver?

What am I supposed to do?

Xoxo

Lesson: Make sure that I have long term care coverage.

Question: The roles are changing as we age. Who am I now that I’m no longer the baby of the family?

Standard
About Me, Where to?

Chapter Two

I heard a rumor. Not sure how true it is based on the source. A former neighbor. Introductions at the package lockers. Used to meet at the tucked away pool and just vibe. He would sit with his legs in the pool and make flirty comments. I would float. My legs wrapped around his legs. Yellow noodle, waterproof phone case and Apple Music. Renaissance playing on the Bluetooth speaker.

Looked for a photo of me in my apartment pool. Found picture of me from a cruise stop instead. You get the vibe though:)

The rumor is I’m no longer able to renew my lease. When it expires, I’ll have to move. Either to a renovated unit in my same complex of the last five years OR out of the complex completely. WTF.

I live in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath, 900 square feet apartment in Dallas, TX. One block from West Plano. If that means anything to you. White appliances, carpet, laminate countertops, and basic wood like cabinets. My rent averages $1350 – $1365 per month including those stupid fees. If I choose to move in the same complex, to an identical floor plan with the new upgrades and amenities, then my rent would be approximately $1800!

Well damn.

Here’s the thing. I thought my lease expired December 2023. However, I called to confirm. Bruh! My lease expires March 2023. Da Fuk?! I’ve only got 4 months to move.

“What’s the plan, Phil?”

Do I sell everything (except my newly upholstered show stopping ottoman), pack my compact SUV, and see where the wind blows?

I’ve spent the last 17 years worried about school districts, basketball courts and commutes. My life has changed. An empty nest. 100% remote benefits. Praise God. A chapter two. My “must have” list has officially changed. . .

But, to what? Hmmm. 🤔

I used to dream of living in a right sized place like Carrie Bradshaw’s Manhattan apartment. Do you remember her apartment? Books from the floors to the ceiling to the left of the front entrance. A tiny living room only big enough for a handmade accent chair from the finest wood. Oh Aidan. An unused oven whose only purpose would be to store sweaters. Or in my case the occasional chocolate muffin shaped brownies. Each with just one perfectly positioned Oreo in the middle. Several pints of cookies and cream in the freezer. A closet that I could access directly from the bathroom. I want to be able to get out of the shower, lotion up on a cozy chaise lounge all while looking directly at my daily options. A capsule wardrobe hanging perfectly colored code… that I never wear. Matching ath-leisure sets from Target in a pile on the floor.

Well. That’s it. Closet door accessible from shower. My new “must have.”

XOXO

Lesson: DDC is on the move.

Question: What are your “must haves?”

Standard
About Me, Mental Health, Therapy

Blah, Blah, Blah!!

I feel blah. I can’t quite put my finger on the cause. I have been feeling this way for going on two weeks now. I don’t think it is as severe as actual depression, but there are definite similarities. I don’t have a desire to do much of anything. Getting out of the bed takes an act of congress. I went to do my favorite thing in the world, karaoke, and barely sang at all. I just sat in the corner quietly. I hadn’t had any ideas of things to write about in this blog that I love until now.

I have a couple guesses of possible reasons:

  1. My money is hilarious. I have been spending a whole lot and saving very little. I have literally been robbing my future self. I have made too much this year and have nothing to show for it. Well, I do have a winning smile. Best money ever spent!!
  2. I have a friend who is going through several traumatic life events. I am unable to find the right words (or any words for that matter) to console in this situation and it hurts me dearly to see them suffering. Luckily, I do not believe my role in the friendship has ever been “advice giver” or even “voice of reason.” I am the friend who is there to listen and interject with humor from time to time.
  3. I love the company that I work for more than anything. The culture is supportive and collaborative. The benefits are remarkable. The people are genuine. However, I am no longer in love with my role. I have been in the recruiting space for so long that the thrill is gone. I wonder if I have been blah when it comes to my work for so long that I no longer find the joy. I am making steps to do a career transition to project management.
  4. It could possibly be the MS thing. I had an expensive surgery to combat my overactive bladder on September 26 and I have yet to see clear results. The doctor did say it will take at least two weeks.
  5. I am concerned about my diminishing cognitive reasoning skills. I had a mild panic attack after listening to a webinar discussing a new work related process a couple weeks ago. I could not comprehend anything the speaker said. She sounded like Charlie Brown’s mom. Wah wah wah. I immediately thought MS had fucked my brain. I think of myself as a relatively smart individual, but that day I felt dumb. Afterwards, I spoke to several other people (without MS) and they also were thoroughly confused by the presentation. I confided my feelings to my old manager. Turns out she felt the exact same way. She also said that she hoped none of her subordinates asked her to explain the process because she couldn’t.

I love personal development. In an effort to get out of this funk. I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos talking about “what to do when you are feeling blah,” “how to change your life in 6 months,” and “how to find motivation when you don’t feel like it.” YouTube is gold. I swear you can learn everything one tutorial at a time. I got my degree in makeup application from YouTube University a few years back. Summa Cum Laude.

The last one I watched had a very good suggestion:

“Find gratitude in every little thing. Get specific about all the things in life that you are grateful for. Open up your journal or a Word doc and start writing a list of sentences that begin with, “I am grateful…” or “I am blessed…”

– Lavendaire

Here it goes:

  • I am blessed to have an incredible human as a son. Mason Riley is a living prayer. He is extremely thoughtful. He inherited my sense of humor and can keep me laughing. He knows immediately when I just need a hug and a laugh.
  • I am blessed to have a mother who is a real life superwoman. She is a rock for everyone in her life. She is giving. She is able to complete any task she sets her mind to from reupholstering an entire living room to sewing every dress for an entire wedding party. I aspire to half the woman that she is.
  • I am blessed that my parents are alive, thriving and still married after nearly 50 years. I get to see what for better or worse looks like from the inside.
  • I am blessed that my bills are paid (except my phone bill. It will get paid when it gets paid) and I lack nothing.
  • I am blessed to finally work for an organization that genuinely makes me smile to think about. I am blessed to be 100% remote and not have to go into an office unless I choose to.
  • I am blessed my father is out of the hospital and doing remarkably well. He is so encouraging about everything that I do. I could say just about anything and then my dad will respond with pure delight. I could say “Daddy, I crossed the street today.” He would respond, “That’s so nice Badness. I knew you could do it!”
  • I am blessed to have a group of solid friends who are able to comfort with scripture and not gossip. Who show up for me whether I ask them to fly to Atlanta for my birthday very close to a holiday or when I need a ride to the emergency room because I cannot walk.
  • I am blessed to have a BFF who is by my side every step of the way. We’ve been friends for so long (30+ years) that I truly believe she knows me better than I know myself.
  • I am blessed to have come to the realization that I need to make big changes with my money management before a major financial emergency occurred.
  • I am blessed to have a soul mate. No, it isn’t a love interest. It’s a best friend who cherishes me, looks out for my best interest at all times, and is usually the first to notice when I am feeling blah.
  • I am blessed to have Hope, my counselor. She makes me think about things in new and insightful ways. She holds me accountable. I am able to tell her the dirty details of my life without judgement and receive wisdom in return. Plus, she laughs at my witty banter. I really love that.
  • I am blessed to have this blog as a means to journal my feelings. A place to be vulnerable. Readers have been tremendously supportive and engaged. Hope read my blog before our session yesterday and had very kind words (she also mentioned spelling and grammatical errors).

Writing this list was an excellent suggestion. I feel better. Energized. Not quite ready for world domination, but close.

XOXO

Lesson: “It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.” – Germany Kent

Question: Do you ever feel blah? What is your routine for fighting feelings of blah? Any suggestions for me going forward?

Standard
About Me

Daddy Issues

I have suffered with depression my entire life. I guess I was born with it. A chemical imbalance. I remember being 18 years old getting the shuttle to the Counseling Center just off the campus of the University of New Orleans. The shuttle was actually a courtesy police offer. Picture it, being dropped off to a therapist in a cop car. It is funny to think about now, however, it was my norm at that time. I don’t remember the counselor’s name. What I do remember is the way that she made me feel. Heard. She listened and genuinely cared about my mental health. I appreciate that.

Since then, counseling has been a constant in my life. I have gone months in between sessions. I always find my way back. My current counselor, Hope, is a staple to my life. I need her.

We met in 2017. I found her through my employer’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP). My search criteria was Black, female, and not old looking or acting. I won with Hope. Plus, I was able to get 6 sessions for free at a time. Every 6 sessions I would call my EAP with a new life issue and they would renew my sessions. Through my different job changes I have always checked to see if she was a part of the EAP program and she would be. More free sessions. Unfortunately, she is not a part of my current company’s EAP so now after all of these years I finally have to actually pay. It’s $25 per session. I have great insurance. It is always nice to get Hope’s input on my life. She gives me little assignments from time to time. My “The Shoulds” post was directly inspired by her. In our last session, I was able to come to a revelation. Eyes are now wide open.

I’ve been intensely angry with my daddy. It has been some time. Maybe two years. I have treated him differently. For the last 39 years of my life I played the role of best friend to my dad. He had his faults for sure, but I gave him grace. He basically could do no wrong in my eyes. We would talk almost daily and there would be a lot of laughs. He’s an unintentionally hilarious person. I would hear both sides of the arguments between him and my mom and always take my dad’s side. He did no wrong.

One day it all changed. I started noticing his faults. Not new faults, the same ones that he had all along that I steadily gave grace to. One day I no longer was on his side. One day I started remembering the times in my life that he failed as a my daddy. I started to see him as a man. A flawed man. A flawed husband. My daddy hadn’t changed. My daddy did not do anything to me that would justify how I treated him. But I did. I exiled him from my life. I stopped calling to check in on him. I no longer took his side. My daddy was no longer the example of manhood that I had created in my mind for 39 years. But let’s be 100% clear. He has never done anything to me that made the way I treated him fair or even okay. Every two weeks I would tell Hope some silly thing he did 30 years ago. Something that I nearly forgot. Something that did not matter to me at the time. Something basically insignificant. To give an example, I played softball when I was a kid. Every summer my mom would sign me up for the YMCA’s softball league. I have never been an athlete, or athletic or skilled at any sport. My dad would bring me to my weekly softball games and he would sit in his car in the parking lot while I played the game (or sat the bench). I would get my snack once the game was over and then head back to the car and we would go home. We would talk about the game. I’d eat my snack. Just as content as I could be.

Now, 30+ years later I am sitting on the virtual couch telling Hope that my dad would sit in the car instead of watching my game as if it is now an excuse for the way I have completely exiled him. It is not an excuse. It did not bother me then. Why does it now?

My mom and I have gotten extremely close these last few years. My mom is great. She is literally Super Woman able to accomplish all tasks put in her to-do bucket. She sews entire weddings, she reupholsters sofas in her spare time, she has retired twice from two different careers, she takes care of my daddy in every capacity and she is the rock of her siblings and her immediate family. The older I am I can see now that my mom takes care of everything and everyone….. but herself. She doesn’t have an outlet and no friends to confide in when her husband (my dad) does something stupid or selfish. Because of that, she confides in me. I am her friend. She involves me in her side of the marriage in a way you would include your counselor. I am not my mom’s counselor. I am her youngest daughter.

I have been added in as the third wheel of their marriage. I embraced my mom’s disappointment, frustration, and disgust of my dad as if it is my own. He ain’t my husband. He is my father. I shouldn’t know these things. I shouldn’t hold the things that he does to her against him. He is not my husband. She chose to marry him, not me. She said, “I do,” 49 years ago and she chooses to stay with him everyday. As my father he has done everything in his power to be the dad that he did not have for me. Honestly, he contributed to me being a spoiled brat at the age of 40. He has his flaws as a husband, not a daddy.

Hope opened my eyes to that fact. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I cannot be mad at him. I think I am going to call him right now and laugh about something. I need a laugh after this revelation.

XOXO

Lesson: Stop fighting my mom’s battles.

Question: What have you learned in counseling?

Standard
About Me, Chapter 2, Mental Health, Multiple Sclerosis

Botox

I had surgery this morning. Onabotulinumtoxin Injection. I had Botox injected into my bladder to help with my overactive bladder. This is the second time that I have it so I knew what to expect. It is an outpatient procedure.

How do I feel? Physically, like a regular day. No side effects or down time needed. Mentally, I am sad. I have an incurable disease that has created the need to wear incontinence underwear. It is far from sexy. I feel the opposite of sexy wearing them. But unfortunately, I wear them consistently. Therefore, I had Botox injected into my bladder. I had the surgery with the hope that I could stop wearing incontinence underwear for six months.

Occasionally when things are quiet on the MS front, I almost forget that I have it. Well, “forget” is a strong word. I do not think about the fact that I have it. Today is not one of those days.

XOXO

Lesson: Stop buying the higher priced incontinence underwear that look like underwear. No one is seeing them either way.

Question: What do you do when you are feeling sad?

Standard
About Me

Introducing DDCANDTHECITY!!!

I am Danielle. Danielle Denise Clark. Brown Sugar. DDC. DDCANDTHECITY. A play off Sex and the City. I am DDC and I have adventures in the city.

Note: these are the only names that will answer to. No Dani. No Denise. No D. It actually makes my blood boil to be called D.

Welcome to my world. Come in, get settled, and buckle up for the ride.

I initially created this blog, at the request of my life long BFF, to write about my dating chronicles in detail anonymously. I have had some entertaining experiences. Ask me about Master P.

However, I realize that I am more than my love life. I’m a mother. A daughter. A sister and a friend. A blogger. I love karaoke, afternoon naps, and repeatedly watching the same two tv shows on Netflix. Grace and Frankie and Schitt$ Creek. Self love, personal finance, health and wellness and my birthday celebrations are some of my favorite topics. I am sure there are a few more things that I could add to my about me, but this is just a start.

This blog is to be an outlet for me to share my experiences. A place to house my thoughts and express myself. Would I like it to grow and get monetized? Absolutely. But it isn’t the goal. The goal is to have a place to go to remember adventures at times when my memory fails me.

XOXO

Lesson:

1. Don’t call me D.

2. Watch Grace and Frankie and Schitt$ Creek.

Question:

What do you write in your “about me?”

Standard