I had surgery this morning. Onabotulinumtoxin Injection. I had Botox injected into my bladder to help with my overactive bladder. This is the second time that I have it so I knew what to expect. It is an outpatient procedure.
How do I feel? Physically, like a regular day. No side effects or down time needed. Mentally, I am sad. I have an incurable disease that has created the need to wear incontinence underwear. It is far from sexy. I feel the opposite of sexy wearing them. But unfortunately, I wear them consistently. Therefore, I had Botox injected into my bladder. I had the surgery with the hope that I could stop wearing incontinence underwear for six months.
Occasionally when things are quiet on the MS front, I almost forget that I have it. Well, “forget” is a strong word. I do not think about the fact that I have it. Today is not one of those days.
XOXO
Lesson: Stop buying the higher priced incontinence underwear that look like underwear. No one is seeing them either way.
Question: What do you do when you are feeling sad?
My BFF and I were driving down 183 passing his exit. I asked if she was in a rush or not. No. We headed to Stanley’s.
Stanley
I knew Stanley for a while. I’d been to his place a few times and remembered the directions perfectly. Stanley and I had been situationshipping, but he hadn’t been responding to my calls lately. Which was extra weird considering that I was calling the phone that I gave him. Gosh, I was stupid. I am stupid. I used to be stupid. I won’t be stupid anymore.
BFF and I drove around the maze of the parking lot and parked Action Adventure* in the spot directly in front of his apartment. We were in her car. I figured he wouldn’t know the car. Smart, right?
I sat in the passenger seat of my BFF’s car and called Stanley thirty five times. In a row. Back to back. Why? To this day I have no Earthly idea what was my intention. What could dialing this man’s phone number, back to back, 35 times in a row accomplish? Did I think that these actions would end in a positive result? I couldn’t. Could I? Did I?
He answered.
I gasped. Shocked.
He said, “are you in front of my place?” I gasped, “huh?”
I’m sure you could imagine how that conversation went. What the hell was I thinking? What was the point? Why? Just why?!?!?! This has been 10+ years ago and I still do not know the answer.
Fast forward. I had a Black male colleague on my team for the first time in a long time and we became friends. One day we were talking about our friends and some way some how I figured out that my colleague’s best friend since youth was Stanley. You have got to be kidding me!?! Nope. Best friends! I confessed to my 35 calls from the parking lot to my colleague. We laughed. We moved on.
My team from work went to The Hideaway for happy hour on pay day and guess who wanted to come? Yep. Stanley. By this time I had told the whole team about 35. I should probably be ashamed, but it is too funny for me to hide. So when Stanley walks up everyone had a good laugh at my story again.
Stanley and I reconnected. Laughed about 35. Exchanged information and have been in touch again. For a few years. We connect every now and then. Have a few laughs and then go our separate ways.
We laughed recently. It was fun. I wondered if I’d been missing out by not taking him seriously. Could I actually be with Stanley after all of this time?
Fuck no! Stanley is still Stanleying and I do not have the energy for his level of foolishness.
We can laugh. But I’ll never cry for him again.
XOXO
Lesson: Once ‘ain’t no good’. Always ‘ain’t no good.’
Question: Why do I still entertain Stanley knowing that he ‘ain’t no good?’
*Action Adventure is when you back into a parking spot just in case you have to leave expeditiously.
We met online last Friday. We agreed to have a meet and greet at City Works in the Star for dessert that night. I arrived before him and ordered a Green Tea Shot to take the edge off. I also ordered an Angry Orchard. Kramer arrived. Cool. I ordered the Peanut Butter Snickers Pie. He ordered a water and no dessert. He already ate and doesn’t drink alcohol anymore. He showed me some pictures he just took of himself at the Star across the street before coming to City Works. Cool. I finished my very delicious dessert. The check came. Bartender placed the bill in the middle of us. Kramer immediately picked it up and looks at the bill and says, “wow, you’re expensive.” Hmmm. He paid. We went across the street to the Star and I took some post worthy pictures. Fun. We walked into the hotel lobby at the Star and sat in some cute chairs. We had more conversation. We talked about work, the struggle of the Black man, empty nests, and church homes. He said some things that were strange to me. He said he is a “leg guy” and how much he loved my legs. Repeatedly. He showed me pictures that he took of my legs while I wasn’t paying attention. Stalker. The way he went on about my legs was creepy. Yes, I have long and luscious legs. I know this. But he was borderline obsessed. It was extra creepy. I said that I had something to do and we parted ways. Kramer is a weird dude. Therefore, I am just not that into him.
A couple days went by and he asked me to go for drinks or to come over “chill” or play in the pool. I made excuses why I did not want to go a few times. He asked me if I was interested in him and I replied, “I have reservations.” He sent a few more texts and then a couple days later is when I he sent this essay…
He asked me to Cash App him the money that he spent at City Works. He thinks that I intentionally used him for the $27 bill.
First, I am not the kind of person who is looking for a sponsor. I have a career. I make money. I pay my own way. Second, if he could not afford the bill, then he should have let me know. He shouldn’t have asked to meet. He shouldn’t be dating at all for that matter.
His opinion of me should not matter to me. Unfortunately, it does anyway. I don’t want to be known as some dessert digging woman. I am considering sending him the money. Not the entire bill, just the money for the shot and cider. The original plan was dessert only, not drinks and dessert.
A year ago today I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I am sure I have had it for much longer than one year. Maybe I’ve had it all of my life. Maybe I have had it for 20 years. I am not sure when was the first time I had an uncontrollable urge to void and then chose to drop my pants in whichever parking lot I was in at that moment. I wish I knew. The moment my life’s journey changed from hopeful ignorance to life changing disability.
I want to be hopeful. I sincerely do. Sometimes. No, most times I am. Then there are the times that I cry uncontrollably. I cry because of the unknowns. Will I adjust to having to consistently wear incontinence underwear? Will I wake up one day and no longer have the use of my right eye, my left leg or one of my arms? Tear.
This post has to end on a positive, right? I have to leave some hopeful quote that I searched for on Google. Got to love the Google.
Not today.
XOXO
Lesson: Real life does not end in “happily ever after.”
Question: What was the moment your entire life changed? Do you know? Would you want to know?
I give up. I officially deleted my Facebook Dating profile. I have come to the overwhelming realization that online dating is not for me. I am still open to meeting someone special. However, I am no longer actively searching for him. I am replacing my deliberate pursuit of him with accomplishing big goals, making self care a priority and continuous personal development. I. Choose. Me.
I can visualize the future me. She’s happy. She’s intentional. She shines. Shine bright like a diamond!
XOXO
Lesson: With or without him, I am going to be alright.
Question: What is your favorite form of self care?
