I usually wake up before my 7am alarm. I rinse my mug from the night before. A birthday present from a friend. I love filling my mug from the filtered water spout of my side by side fridge. My new apartment comes with filtered water. It’s a first for me. Chapter Two. The little things mean so much to me. I put the cup in the microwave for 2 minutes then head the two to three steps to my dining table to take my meds. The microwave beeps, I add cinnamon dolce skinny syrup and three ice cubes and stir. I like stirring the ice until it melts. It has a calming effect to the moment. My soul is soothed by a cup of warm tea.
My dating life has been filled with heartbreak and disappointment. The trails that I have endured have lead me to ask God, “what are You trying to teach me?” What am I to learn from these trials? I am obviously not getting it. Whatever IT is. There has to be a reason for this heartbreak to keep coming one after another. What is it, God? Can You make the lesson clear to me?!? I must be doing something wrong to not have experienced the love that I long for. Does this mean I need to stop trying? Should I get a cat or two and settle into being a fine ass auntie (with no niece or nephew)?
Ironically, I do want a cat. I want to have something to talk to in my empty nest. I have been wanting one for a few years now. The stigma around single women and cats is the major reason I do not have a cat. Hmmm. On some level, I care about what other people think about me. I know I am not supposed to care, but I actually do. I don’t want to meet a guy and he shame me for having a cat. I do not want to have to pay for the boarding of a cat when I travel. My parent’s would never allow the cat in their home. My mom already told me that I would have to leave my cat in the garage when I came home.
I am going to put some thought into what I will do with the cat when I travel.
I met a guy and instantly imagined I was with my new boo thang. I envisioned us cuddling on the sofa watching Sunday football for the rest of the day. I would be on the couch watching him fold his laundry and complete other Sunday chores. I would offer to assist periodically and he would decline and tell me to, “just relax.”
Get these from Whole Foods. You will not be disappointed!
As you may have gathered I’m currently sitting in my corner spot on the sofa, snacking on plant based cookies that I promise taste like Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies writing this post. No chores were done together.
I had imagined this amazing future with a stranger. We barely even communicated at brunch. The only thing I know about this man is his address. Why would I have attached this magical connection to him in the first place?!? Something has to be seriously wrong with me in regards to men if I seriously thought that I would ever hear from him again.
I need Hope right now. I need hope too! This man gave absolutely no indication that he was even mildly interested in me. He really didn’t. I threw myself at him at, “hello.”
I feel sad. I feel disappointed. I feel confused. What is it about me that consistently chooses the wrong guy? Consistently! The absolute only thing they want from me is it. But now it makes me recognize what all of the guys in the past have had in common. . . me. It’s me.
I lead with it. If they lead with it, then cool too. But it isn’t all that I want. I truly want a fairytale. I want to have this awesome meet cute with a guy near the oranges counter at Target. We banter. We finish our grocery shopping together. We go to the Starbucks area and talk until his ice cream melts then we walk off into sunset. Where would I even get that from? No one in my life is living this fairytale that I dream about. Why would I even think it existed? Something needs to be fixed with my thought processes. My imagination runs in the wrong direction.
XOXO
Lesson: Real life is not a fairytale.
Question: Why do you think I have this fairytale? For real. I’d like to know some thoughts. DM me on Instagram @ddcandthecity
“You are falling head first into a relationship with someone you know nothing about and because you know nothing, you project a bunch of amazing qualities on them. You idealize them, put them onto a pedestal. You are basically fetishizing them.”
@therapyjeff knows my life. In one Instagram post he both diagnosed and gave me a roadmap for the future. I didn’t even have to give him a co-pay. I wonder how much is Patreon?
I have been seeing the same counselor, Hope, since I was working for the city and wanted to severely hurt my teammate. I still hate her. Yes, “hate” is a strong word. I mean it in this case. She made everyday miserable for me. I had to take two Xanax before every meeting we had together. An absolutely horrible individual. Just thinking about her makes my blood boil. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, the sad rollercoaster that is my love life.
Hope said that I “meet a guy and skip to step five before finishing steps two, three, and four.” There is no step six because I find out something crazy about him that I would have discovered at step two if I had taken my time.
For example, about a month ago, I met a guy on Facebook dating. Let’s call him “Dr. Phil.” I met Dr. Phil. We hung out once and then I proceeded to take a cue from the “Int’l Players Anthem.” I sent a text to my roster “sayin’ that I chose this cutie pie with whom I wanna be.” I knew absolutely nothing about this man other the fact that he was incredibly nice, very into me, and was ready to give me al of his free time. I have a tendency to be clingy. I need to talk to Hope about that.
Words of affirmation is my love language. If a dude says two nice words to me in a row, then I am immediately in love. Of course it is not actual love. I am not even sure if it can be described as infatuation. I know nothing about the man. Can you love someone you don’t know? My brain responds to his attention like it is a love at first sight situation. Is that even a thing? I start planning our future, searching for white dresses on Amazon, and picking a venue for a wedding on Pinterest. Nothing too extravagant. Courthouse is my ideal. With a photographer because I have to post it all on my Instagram. Instagram is life. I have a board titled, “Happily Ever After” on Pinterest.
Dr. Phil wanted to be exclusive immediately. I agreed. However, I did not deactivate my dating account. Just in case the next match had more affirmations for me.
I found out that Dr. Phil lives with his brother, sleeps on a mattress with no bed frame, and did not have enough money to pay his cell phone bill. Ick! He’s been calling again. His phone is back on. I am definitely glad that I kept my profile open. I am not all the way out of my mind. Just a little.
Just as @therapyjeff said, I knew nothing about this man and put him on pedestal before he earned it. I was looking for a fairy tale. I dream about sitting on the porch with my grandchild telling her the story of how I met my love and we were inseparable from the start. I realize now that sh*t does not exist.
Maybe it does exist. But it is the exception, not the rule. I have to slow down.
XOXO
Lesson: “Slow down, I just wanna know ya” said Bobby V.
Question: What’s your love language? How do love languages show up in your life?
DDCANDTHECITY 