I had surgery this morning. Onabotulinumtoxin Injection. I had Botox injected into my bladder to help with my overactive bladder. This is the second time that I have it so I knew what to expect. It is an outpatient procedure.
How do I feel? Physically, like a regular day. No side effects or down time needed. Mentally, I am sad. I have an incurable disease that has created the need to wear incontinence underwear. It is far from sexy. I feel the opposite of sexy wearing them. But unfortunately, I wear them consistently. Therefore, I had Botox injected into my bladder. I had the surgery with the hope that I could stop wearing incontinence underwear for six months.
Occasionally when things are quiet on the MS front, I almost forget that I have it. Well, “forget” is a strong word. I do not think about the fact that I have it. Today is not one of those days.
XOXO
Lesson: Stop buying the higher priced incontinence underwear that look like underwear. No one is seeing them either way.
Question: What do you do when you are feeling sad?
A multiple sclerosis (MS) diagnosis is considered a disability. I have a whole disability. Wow. Intellectually, I know that I have MS. However, I still forget that I need accommodations in certain instances because of my disability. I cannot do everything I used to do. I have limitations. Sad face.
My major limitation is that I have an intense bladder control issue. I accommodate for it 90% of the time. I have accepted it. I have had an issue controlling my bladder for 20+ years. It’s a part of my story. I pee. Often. In odd locations. I once pulled into the U-turn lane on highway 114. Opened my door and squatted right there!!! The urge comes immediately and at that minute everything stops until I am able to void. I know this. The people in my life all know this.
I’m currently on a plane headed back home to DFW reflecting on the events of the wellness weekend in Arizona to celebrate my dear friend’s milestone birthday. There were six absolutely dynamic women. Of the 6, I knew only one very well. The birthday girl. The vibe was relaxation, wellness and laughter. I truly loved every aspect of my trip. It was the perfect time getaway from all responsibility. Everything was planned perfectly. I didn’t have to think about anything. Ultimate bliss.
Strike a pose.
I only mentioned my condition in passing on the trip. Every single lady extended me grace to my limitations. We went on a two hour road trip to Sedona. I, of course, had to stop several times for restroom breaks. Not one person complained. Nobody said, “AGAIN?!?” They even would check with me to see if I needed to stop before I even had to think about. The Arizona heat was close to the temperature of hell. It was hot. MS tends to flare in the heat. They would tell me to get out of the direct sun. “Try sitting in this shaded area,” “stay out of the deep end (I am not a strong swimmer),” and “let me hold your hand as you get out of the van.” There was genuine concern for my well-being. I felt it. It felt like love. I greatly appreciate it. I felt welcomed just as I am, bladder and all. Grace is love.
The devil started talking to me. He said, “you are handicapped.” He laughed and said, “you cannot do everything that used to.” For a moment, I listened. That damn devil is here to steal, kill and destroy. I’d like to also add that he is here to isolate. For a moment, I put my head down. I felt the sadness rising in my gut. I needed a minute. Relax. Relate. Release.
But then I heard another voice. It was calm, comforting and reassuring. God is here. He said, “don’t focus on the few things that you cannot do. Instead, focus on all the other capabilities that I continue to give you.” Jesus.
I am a child of the Most High. He is my keeper, my confidant, my husband and my all. He chose me before parents knew I was coming. Praise Him! Hallelujah!! Thank you Lord. I feel so blessed right now that I could shout on this plane.
A year ago today I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I am sure I have had it for much longer than one year. Maybe I’ve had it all of my life. Maybe I have had it for 20 years. I am not sure when was the first time I had an uncontrollable urge to void and then chose to drop my pants in whichever parking lot I was in at that moment. I wish I knew. The moment my life’s journey changed from hopeful ignorance to life changing disability.
I want to be hopeful. I sincerely do. Sometimes. No, most times I am. Then there are the times that I cry uncontrollably. I cry because of the unknowns. Will I adjust to having to consistently wear incontinence underwear? Will I wake up one day and no longer have the use of my right eye, my left leg or one of my arms? Tear.
This post has to end on a positive, right? I have to leave some hopeful quote that I searched for on Google. Got to love the Google.
Not today.
XOXO
Lesson: Real life does not end in “happily ever after.”
Question: What was the moment your entire life changed? Do you know? Would you want to know?
There was a Beyoncé trivia night at Cafe 214 last Saturday. I heard about the event and immediately text a bunch of friends, bought a table and started to plan an outfit that was Beyoncé worthy.
On the day of the event quite a bit of my friends had other things happen that made them no longer available. Cool. I was still going and going to have a great time.
I arrived late. Checked in. I had an 8 person booth to myself. I stretched out. Picked a team name. DDC. Ordered a tequila sunrise and a watermelon mint hookah. That hookah hit hard. HARDT. Turned the night into a solo date and embraced being with my thoughts and Beyoncé. The only time I remembered that I was alone is when I didn’t know the answer to the trivia question. But I phoned a friend and got the answer.
Enough room for me to stretch out:)
The ladies at the table across from me were hella friendly. The event was an entire vibe. Hookah was potent. Music selections were banging. The Bee Hive was in full effect. I sang my heart out when the question involved Beyoncé’s song, “1+1.”
If I ain’t got nothing, I got you. If I ain’t got something, I don’t give a damn. Cause I got it with you. I don’t know much about algebra, but I know one plus one equals two!
Algebra was the answer. The atmosphere was the perfect balance of chill and hype. Second round started. Hmmm. I have to use the restroom. I should have went to the restroom at intermission. I was playing on my phone instead. Instagram is life. I really need to go to the restroom. They played some of my favorite Beyoncé songs and I sang along. Very loudly. I wanted to wait until the game was over. After two rounds of questions regarding the Queen, “what’s her dad’s name?” and “how many Grammys does she have?” Matthew and I have no idea. They began a round of Urban Trivia. I finally went to the restroom. By this time, it was a full on emergency. I walked briskly towards the women sign. As soon as I opened the door, I saw the line of ladies who also were antsy for a little relief. Uh oh. I thought about pleading my case to skip. I didn’t say anything. Got my spot in line. UH OH. I immediately proceeded to have an accident. Right there standing next to the stall. I felt the leakage rolling down my leg. Fuck!
Yes, I knew I had to use it. Yes, I know holding it is an issue for me. I didn’t want to miss any trivia questions. That shit wasn’t even important. I wasn’t even close to winning. The restroom was next to the speakers so I’m sure I could have heard the questions. In hindsight, I realize this accident was completely avoidable. I have an issue with incontinence. I know this. I’ve had it so long that I cannot remember when it started. 15+ years. I’ve peed in numerous parking lots, on the side of buildings, in the dressing room of Cache in Cortana Mall, and once on the highway where 114 and George Bush intersect. However, These last 2-3 years my issue has become a major challenge. My quality of life has been altered. I now peed on myself in the restroom at Cafe 214.
Luckily, I’m always prepared for these situations. I keep wipes, extra underwear and even a pair of jean shorts in the car at all times. I cleaned myself up in the car. Went back to my seat. By this time the waitress had taken the remnants of my drink and my hookah from the table. She thought I had left. I decided to leave. I felt icky. I was alone. I wanted a shower, a bed and a heavy cry.
I started to cry as soon as I drove out of the parking lot. Sob actually. A real nasty heavy cry. There was also a runny nose. Just nasty. The devil whispered in my ear, “you are alone. You have no one. You have nowhere to go. Nobody to call.” The devil really is a liar. I’ve heard that said countless times. This is the first time he’s lied and I recognized the lie. In truth, I’m the opposite of alone. I have a phenomenal support system of family and friends.
My phone rang. It was my BFF. She knew I had an accident. She wanted to check on me. She has a telepathic sense of when I need her. I told her earlier about my accident and she wanted to make sure that I was feeling okay. I’ve never been alone. That damn devil. Lying and shit. My BFF has come to every single appointment with my neurologist for the last year. She asks the questions that I forget. She takes notes. She also reports the status update to the rest of my support system each time. I have multiple sclerosis. An autoimmune disease. One of the side effects of MS is incontinence. I wasn’t crying because I was alone. Damn devil. I was crying because I have this shit. Multiple Sclerosis. I’m still learning what multiple sclerosis means. I barely know how to spell it. Thanks autocorrect.
I was diagnosed August 2021 when another friend drove me to the emergency room. Stayed all day. Test after test and two MRIs. She was next to me when the cold ass Karen told me that I have it. Multiple Sclerosis. I have multiple sclerosis. Fuck.
Back to last Saturday. Once I remembered the devil is a liar. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I am the furthest thing from alone. The devil knows my weakness. I was invited to a pool party. I have a lot of friendsand associates. I showered. Put on a swimsuit that makes titties TITTY. Uber cute and my favorite colors. Black and white. I got the address and headed to the pool party. I needed a drink and a laugh. I knew both would be there. It was a great night. Hilarious people. Laughs galore. Too much alcohol. I had a half of a red Solo cup of Cabernet. There were these cinnamon rolls that were extremely hard to put down. I even slid down the pool slide. A good fucking time.
I conquered the slide!
I did not let a five minute challenge ruin my entire day. Gold star. Saturday was an event filled day consisting of gun range and Bar Louie with a new male friend. Wink. Beyoncé trivia, pool party and it ended with some excellent sleep. It was a good day.
XOXO
Lesson: Don’t let MS hold you back. Take a shower and go on.
DDCANDTHECITY 