Tag Archives: Dating

Love Life

Stanley

My BFF and I were driving down 183 passing his exit. I asked if she was in a rush or not. No. We headed to Stanley’s.

Stanley

I knew Stanley for a while. I’d been to his place a few times and remembered the directions perfectly. Stanley and I had been situationshipping, but he hadn’t been responding to my calls lately. Which was extra weird considering that I was calling the phone that I gave him. Gosh, I was stupid. I am stupid. I used to be stupid. I won’t be stupid anymore.

BFF and I drove around the maze of the parking lot and parked Action Adventure* in the spot directly in front of his apartment. We were in her car. I figured he wouldn’t know the car. Smart, right?

I sat in the passenger seat of my BFF’s car and called Stanley thirty five times. In a row. Back to back. Why? To this day I have no Earthly idea what was my intention. What could dialing this man’s phone number, back to back, 35 times in a row accomplish? Did I think that these actions would end in a positive result? I couldn’t. Could I? Did I?

He answered.

I gasped. Shocked.

He said, “are you in front of my place?” I gasped, “huh?”

I’m sure you could imagine how that conversation went. What the hell was I thinking? What was the point? Why? Just why?!?!?! This has been 10+ years ago and I still do not know the answer.

Fast forward. I had a Black male colleague on my team for the first time in a long time and we became friends. One day we were talking about our friends and some way some how I figured out that my colleague’s best friend since youth was Stanley. You have got to be kidding me!?! Nope. Best friends! I confessed to my 35 calls from the parking lot to my colleague. We laughed. We moved on.

My team from work went to The Hideaway for happy hour on pay day and guess who wanted to come? Yep. Stanley. By this time I had told the whole team about 35. I should probably be ashamed, but it is too funny for me to hide. So when Stanley walks up everyone had a good laugh at my story again.

Stanley and I reconnected. Laughed about 35. Exchanged information and have been in touch again. For a few years. We connect every now and then. Have a few laughs and then go our separate ways.

We laughed recently. It was fun. I wondered if I’d been missing out by not taking him seriously. Could I actually be with Stanley after all of this time?

Fuck no! Stanley is still Stanleying and I do not have the energy for his level of foolishness.

We can laugh. But I’ll never cry for him again.

XOXO

Lesson: Once ‘ain’t no good’. Always ‘ain’t no good.’

Question: Why do I still entertain Stanley knowing that he ‘ain’t no good?’

*Action Adventure is when you back into a parking spot just in case you have to leave expeditiously.

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Love Life

Part 2: Who pays?

Let me catch you up on Kramer.

We met online last Friday. We agreed to have a meet and greet at City Works in the Star for dessert that night. I arrived before him and ordered a Green Tea Shot to take the edge off. I also ordered an Angry Orchard. Kramer arrived. Cool. I ordered the Peanut Butter Snickers Pie. He ordered a water and no dessert. He already ate and doesn’t drink alcohol anymore. He showed me some pictures he just took of himself at the Star across the street before coming to City Works. Cool. I finished my very delicious dessert. The check came. Bartender placed the bill in the middle of us. Kramer immediately picked it up and looks at the bill and says, “wow, you’re expensive.” Hmmm. He paid. We went across the street to the Star and I took some post worthy pictures. Fun. We walked into the hotel lobby at the Star and sat in some cute chairs. We had more conversation. We talked about work, the struggle of the Black man, empty nests, and church homes. He said some things that were strange to me. He said he is a “leg guy” and how much he loved my legs. Repeatedly. He showed me pictures that he took of my legs while I wasn’t paying attention. Stalker. The way he went on about my legs was creepy. Yes, I have long and luscious legs. I know this. But he was borderline obsessed. It was extra creepy. I said that I had something to do and we parted ways. Kramer is a weird dude. Therefore, I am just not that into him.

A couple days went by and he asked me to go for drinks or to come over “chill” or play in the pool. I made excuses why I did not want to go a few times. He asked me if I was interested in him and I replied, “I have reservations.” He sent a few more texts and then a couple days later is when I he sent this essay…

He asked me to Cash App him the money that he spent at City Works. He thinks that I intentionally used him for the $27 bill.

First, I am not the kind of person who is looking for a sponsor. I have a career. I make money. I pay my own way. Second, if he could not afford the bill, then he should have let me know. He shouldn’t have asked to meet. He shouldn’t be dating at all for that matter.

His opinion of me should not matter to me. Unfortunately, it does anyway. I don’t want to be known as some dessert digging woman. I am considering sending him the money. Not the entire bill, just the money for the shot and cider. The original plan was dessert only, not drinks and dessert.

XOXO

Lesson: Find a man who uses autocorrect properly.

Question: Who should pay?

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Love Life

Do you block?

Block This Caller

Today I’m talking to the single people specifically!!

You meet a guy. You hit it off. You give him your phone number. He screws up. You no longer want to communicate with him. Do you use the Block feature? Or do you just stop calling and/or answering? That is the question!

I use Block for telemarketers. No hesitation. However, in my dating life I haven’t used it.

When I cut someone from the roster I just stop calling. Majority of the time when I’ve made the “do not call” decision I guess the dudes have made the same decision because I rarely have received any follow up communication.

In special circumstances, I will delete contact information and the text conversation from my phone. He no longer exists to me. This is when I know that in an inebriated state I would have a strong desire to contact him and if I have the access to their contact information then I would definitely use it. My guess is he probably wouldn’t answer. I would get sad that he didn’t answer and mad that I called in the first place. This set of events would then cause me to eat something sweet. I’d order an Oreo Madness AND a Cinnabon Caramel Pecan Cheesecake from TGIFridays through Door Dash. Yes. I am referring to actual events that have occurred. His name is. . . John Carl Williams. The name has been changed to protect me. In the past, I would refer to him by his full government name.

I’m currently considering blocking Kramer. He keeps texting paragraphs. I’m pretty sure that he wants to ask me to give him the money he spent on me since I do not like him. He wants to talk today after work. I’m curious to hear what he has to say. I definitely will not be sending him any money. I’ll block him afterwards. I am sure this chat will be great content.

XOXO

Lesson: Just block him.

Question: Who’s the last person that you blocked?

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Love Life

Strike Two?

Monday, Aug 8 Strike One asked that I keep my Saturday open for him. He said that he wanted to see me. Butterflies. Spontaneity is cool. However, a man stating his claim on your time in advance is automatically a turn on. What would we do on Saturday? I am a planner. Strike One stating that he wanted to spend his nearest off day with me made me feel special. Am I a priority to him? Not clear, but surely feels like it. Points.

A few days passed. Things felt off. Hmmm. Calls were few and far between. As a matter of fact, he only called when I was already asleep. Is this a sign? Did he intentionally call knowing that I’d be asleep just to check the box that he called. I’m thinking too deeply as usual. He called when he thought about me. Just breathe.

I am the pink Starburst and he is treating me like I’m a yellow.

Saturday came. We hadn’t touched base on the details of the evening. What’s the plan? I sent a text asking if we were still on. This was his response.

Thoughts?

He’s a flake. We were no longer hanging. PLUS I had to be the one to request the status update. Hmmm. I didn’t respond to the message. Annoyed. I put on my pajamas. Settled into my cozy corner of the sofa. Searched for some mindless programming. Ate something sweet. Then, I did the only thing I had the energy to do. Kick my leg up. *My BFF knows what that means.

Sadness from the movie Inside Out.

XOXO

Lesson: Words don’t mean anything without the actions to back it up.

Question: No questions, it’s definitely strike two.

Update: Strike One/Two and I had a conversation. He wanted to be honest with me. Hmmm. On Saturday after flaking on me, he decided to catch a movie “at the last minute.” Late that night, he felt like going to watch a movie. . . . with a woman. Da f*ck? I thought you felt like staying in!?! Why did he feel the need to tell me? What was I supposed to do with that information? Of course, I am seeing other guys. Friday, I met Kramer for dessert! I am the pink Starburst and he is treating me like I’m a yellow. We are not exclusive. Was he trying to make me jealous? Hmmm. DO I feel jealous? Shit. Yes, I do! I have to leave him alone. Damn it!! STRIKE THREE.

Lesson: Just words.

Question: Why do I keep falling for the same okie doke?

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Love Life

Waving The White Flag

I give up. I officially deleted my Facebook Dating profile. I have come to the overwhelming realization that online dating is not for me. I am still open to meeting someone special. However, I am no longer actively searching for him. I am replacing my deliberate pursuit of him with accomplishing big goals, making self care a priority and continuous personal development. I. Choose. Me.

I can visualize the future me. She’s happy. She’s intentional. She shines. Shine bright like a diamond!

XOXO

Lesson: With or without him, I am going to be alright.

Question: What is your favorite form of self care?

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Love Life

Who pays?

Let’s call this one Kramer. Kramer is 6’5. He’s 49. Has one 26 year old son. Has a full time job. Jovial personality. Friday we had our initial meet and greet at City Works in Frisco. The plan was to have dessert. My sweet tooth has been out of this world lately. City Works has a Peanut Butter Snickers Pie that is divine. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Should I go there this week?

I wasn’t in the mood to meet anyone new. I’ve been feeling blah lately. I was late to the venue. Kramer text saying that he had arrived. I text saying there was traffic but I would be there soon.

I arrived and landed a parking spot right in the front. I text I was walking in the restaurant. I looked around the restaurant and the only Black man was there with someone. Kramer was nowhere to be found. I immediately ordered a Green Tea shot, and a glass of Angry Orchard. A little something to get my nerves together. I went to the restroom to freshen up. He called. This time asking me for the name of the restaurant. He was across the street at the Star taking a million pictures. Funny, that’s something I would do.

He finally arrived. The first thing that I noticed was his height. He’s very tall standing at 6’5. Nice. He had a belly. Not too big, but definitely noticeable. Interesting. He did not post any full body pictures on his Facebook Dating profile so it shocked me a bit. Not sure why it mattered considering I also have a belly. He leaned in to give me a hug. I gave him a side hug while still sitting on the barstool.

We chatted a bit. I ordered the Peanut Butter Snickers Pie that I came for. He ordered a water. No dessert. No drink. Hmmm. We talked about our children, our church home, or lack thereof, and a little about our jobs. He talked about the fact that it was hard for him to find employment so he settled for the job he was offered. Hmmm. I hadn’t really considered the struggle for a degreed Black man to find employment.

Talked a little more. He kept commenting on my looks, my legs, my feet and my body. He said that I am sexy several times. I do love compliments. However, there is a limit. I want a man that appreciates every inch of body… especially my brain. He almost seemed obsessed with my legs and feet. It was weird but I did not say anything. I finished my dessert. The waitress put the tab in the middle of both of us. He picked it up and made a comment stating that I was expensive. Hmmm. I am expensive. I had a shot, a glass of Angry Orchard, and the dessert. The plan was for dessert. He did not order anything. Is money an issue for him?

XOXO

Lesson: This one isn’t going to last.

Question: Was I supposed to pay the bill?

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Love Life

The Ick

“You are falling head first into a relationship with someone you know nothing about and because you know nothing, you project a bunch of amazing qualities on them. You idealize them, put them onto a pedestal. You are basically fetishizing them.”

@therapyjeff knows my life. In one Instagram post he both diagnosed and gave me a roadmap for the future. I didn’t even have to give him a co-pay. I wonder how much is Patreon?

I have been seeing the same counselor, Hope, since I was working for the city and wanted to severely hurt my teammate. I still hate her. Yes, “hate” is a strong word. I mean it in this case. She made everyday miserable for me. I had to take two Xanax before every meeting we had together. An absolutely horrible individual. Just thinking about her makes my blood boil. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, the sad rollercoaster that is my love life.

Hope said that I “meet a guy and skip to step five before finishing steps two, three, and four.” There is no step six because I find out something crazy about him that I would have discovered at step two if I had taken my time.

For example, about a month ago, I met a guy on Facebook dating. Let’s call him “Dr. Phil.” I met Dr. Phil. We hung out once and then I proceeded to take a cue from the “Int’l Players Anthem.” I sent a text to my roster “sayin’ that I chose this cutie pie with whom I wanna be.” I knew absolutely nothing about this man other the fact that he was incredibly nice, very into me, and was ready to give me al of his free time. I have a tendency to be clingy. I need to talk to Hope about that.

Words of affirmation is my love language. If a dude says two nice words to me in a row, then I am immediately in love. Of course it is not actual love. I am not even sure if it can be described as infatuation. I know nothing about the man. Can you love someone you don’t know? My brain responds to his attention like it is a love at first sight situation. Is that even a thing? I start planning our future, searching for white dresses on Amazon, and picking a venue for a wedding on Pinterest. Nothing too extravagant. Courthouse is my ideal. With a photographer because I have to post it all on my Instagram. Instagram is life. I have a board titled, “Happily Ever After” on Pinterest.

Dr. Phil wanted to be exclusive immediately. I agreed. However, I did not deactivate my dating account. Just in case the next match had more affirmations for me.

I found out that Dr. Phil lives with his brother, sleeps on a mattress with no bed frame, and did not have enough money to pay his cell phone bill. Ick! He’s been calling again. His phone is back on. I am definitely glad that I kept my profile open. I am not all the way out of my mind. Just a little.

Just as @therapyjeff said, I knew nothing about this man and put him on pedestal before he earned it. I was looking for a fairy tale. I dream about sitting on the porch with my grandchild telling her the story of how I met my love and we were inseparable from the start. I realize now that sh*t does not exist.

Maybe it does exist. But it is the exception, not the rule. I have to slow down.

XOXO

Lesson: “Slow down, I just wanna know ya” said Bobby V.

Question: What’s your love language? How do love languages show up in your life?

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Love Life

What A Man

Salt-n-Peppa

I’m single and ready to mingle. Open to finding an incredible guy to settle down with, become the best of friends and experience life together. I’ve heard that it’s a good thing to be set up by a friend with a friend. If you know someone that has these qualities, then please let me know.

Here is my list:

Single

Straight

Black

Chocolate skin

Taller than me

Strong enough to protect me in a fight

Positive relationship with money

Saver

Best friend potential

Thinks before he acts

Able to clearly communicate his feelings

Open communication

Playful

Affectionate plus PDA

Accepts me the way I am, but also…

Encourages my growth

I am a priority

Appreciative

Active Christian

Has a church home

Attends service periodically

Texts in complete sentences

Calls frequently

Takes me out

Video call before meet and greet

Plans spontaneous outings

His name is on a lease or mortgage

Independent

1 child or less

Man of his word

Sense of humor

Finds me funny

Similar interests

Tolerates karaoke

Respectful

Role model for Mason

Good hygiene

Gives me an adequate amount of attention

Honest

Trustworthy

Faithful

Thoughtful

Notices the small things

Makes his interest in me obvious

Wants a relationship

Wants to get married…. eventually

Does not want more children

Cooks

Likes to clean

Gives compliments

Attractive to me

I feel safe with him

Has a social life and friends of his own

Good relationship with his family

Tenured employment

Ambitious

Actively working on goals

Optimistic

Brings positive energy

Able to hold a conversation

Supports my self care

Supports my social life

Degreed

Good credit

Positive friends

Comfortable with CBD

Consistent spicy sex life

Performs cunnilingus

Accepts infrequent blow jobs

Mature

Co-parents positively

Cordial with child’s mother

Equal partnership

Doesn’t have gender roles but does put the trash out

Compatibility

Active listener

Makes me happy

Is my friend first

Able to converse with others

Long list? Have I missed anything?

Lesson: I want what I want.

Question: What are your “must haves” in a significant other?

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Therapy

The “Shoulds”

You should have to a 4 year degree.

You should meet a nice guy.

You should get a stable job.

You should be married.

You should work hard and get promoted to management.

You should buy a single family home in the suburbs and get a dog.

You should have 2 children.

You should be promoted to senior management.

You should put your kids in a bunch of activities and drive a mini van to haul their soccer equipment.

You should sell your starter home and buy something bigger, drive a luxury vehicle, go on fabulous vacations and have your friends over for catered dinner parties.

The “shoulds.”

Where did they come from? I never had a consultation with the leader of the “shoulds” where I was given the rundown. I just know them. I see them lived out. I attend the celebrations, like the posts, and write “congratulations” on their social media every time someone checks a “should” off of the list. Graduation, engagement, bridal shower, baby shower, house warming, anniversary etc. I “should” have a celebration too. New blog shower🙂

My entire life I have attempted to live by the “shoulds” and consistently failed. Failures that have left me feeling…. less than. Inadequate. Like I am a failure. Like I’ve lived my life wrong. Have I failed at life?

4 year degree? CHECK

Nice guy? NO

Stable job? CHECK**

Married? NO

Management? NO

Single family home? Dog? NO

Two kids? NO

Senior Management? NO

Mini van? NEVER

Big house? Luxury vehicle? Fabulous vacations? Catered dinner parties? NO***

If I compare my life to this list of “shoulds.” A list that I essentially created on my own. Then, I would be a failure. Why have I created a list that I can’t and didn’t complete? I will discuss this with my counselor on Thursday.

I’m ready to burn the “shoulds.” I’m ready to accept myself as I am. To love myself just the way I am. I am a beautiful masterpiece and also a work in progress… at the same time.

There are no “shoulds.” Wait. There’s one.

I should do whatever I need to do to fight for my happiness and live a life that I am proud of.

XOXO

Lesson: Be like Rhianna, and “live your life hey, ayy, ayy, ayy”

Question: Am I the only one with the “shoulds?” What “shoulds” have you told yourself?

**It took me 40 years to land the stable job.

***My vacations are pretty amazing. For clarity, “fabulous,” is on a whole different level. First class not Wanna Get Away.

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