Category Archives: Multiple Sclerosis

About Me, Chapter 2, Mental Health, Multiple Sclerosis

Heavy Legs, Heavy Thoughts

Lately, I’ve been noticing my legs in a way I never really have before. Noticing them not in appreciation, but in awareness—because sometimes they feel heavy, stiff, or reluctant to move.

Most mornings, it takes extra effort just to get going. I wake up and my legs feel like they’ve forgotten how to function, how to step. Those first few minutes out of bed I shuffle around like a baby calf fresh out of the womb—awkward, shaky, unsteady. Eventually, the stiffness eases after some walking around, but it never disappears completely. It lingers, reminding me of something I’d rather forget.

I think back to August 2021, the month I was first diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. That flare-up announced itself loudly: it was nearly impossible to walk. I spent about a week struggling before I finally went to the emergency room, where I heard the words that changed everything.

But even before that, there were signs. Earlier in 2021, while in Chicago, I had another flare-up. I could barely walk. I just wanted to sit down wherever I was. My legs dragged under me like they didn’t belong to me anymore. To anyone watching, I probably looked like a drunk person weaving down the street, but really I was fighting my own body with every step.

Sometimes, moving my legs feels like an act of sheer willpower. Each step is a reminder that I can still move, even if it takes more energy than it should. And I can’t help but wonder—am I simply getting older, or am I slowly losing my mobility?

Every case of MS is different. I know this. I’ve been told this. But knowing doesn’t stop me from comparing myself to my sister, who also lives with MS. Her journey has been unimaginably hard, and when I see her struggle, I can’t help but feel fear tighten its grip on me. I am terrified that one day, I too won’t be able to walk and that terrifies me. 

I don’t have answers. I don’t have solutions. What I do have is this moment, these words, and these legs that still, somehow, carry me forward. And for now—that has to be enough.

DDC

Question: What’s something in your life right now that requires more effort than it used to?

Lesson: These legs were made for walking. And that’s what they will do. Keep moving forward.

Standard
Chapter 2, Multiple Sclerosis

Memories

I often wish my memory were stronger, as I tend to be out of sight, out of mind, frequently forgetting details of my past. This challenge is compounded by my diagnoses of relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis, mild cognitive impairment, and ADHD, all of which contribute significantly to my memory loss. Yet, it’s fascinating that I can recall the lyrics to TRU’s 1997 song ‘I Always Feel Like’ featuring Mia X almost word for word.

I always feel like somebody’s watchin’ me

I’m paranoid I can’t sleep, I’m in the dope game

I think these hoes and these n*ggas out to get me mane

I often find myself wishing I could better remember the moments of my past. Without a significant nudge from someone who was there, recalling events feels like trying to piece together fragments of a story. Despite this, I am—and always have been—a bold, pink starburst kind of person: spontaneous, vibrant, and full of surprises. I speak freely, with no filter, and even I don’t always know what’s going to come out next. This fearless approach has brought me countless amazing experiences over the years, moments of joy, laughter, and connection that I desperately wish I could remember in detail.

Today is my BIRTHDAY, and I have one special request that would be the perfect gift to make my day. Has there been a moment during our time together that stands out? Maybe something I said or did that made you laugh or left an impression? If so, could you share it in the comments and help jog my memory? Your stories mean the world to me, and they would be a wonderful way to relive those precious experiences.

DDC

Standard
Chapter 2, Multiple Sclerosis, Therapy

Quality of Life

So, here’s the deal: I’m basically the leaking champion, gotta change my Depends at least 3 times a day. My bladder is a drama queen. I rock two Depends incontinence underwear simultaneously just to keep up with my bladder’s antics. Tried meds, even had Botox parties in my bladder—didn’t last longer than a Snapchat streak!

Next they’re talking Axonics Therapy, where they zap your nerves with a mini-implant. Sounds like a sci-fi plot twist, right? But it’s gonna cost me $3,000. I’m over here counting pennies, wondering if this fancy Axonics Therapy will actually work or leave me broke and still running to the bathroom!

I have multiple sclerosis. Diagnosed August 2021. Symptoms have been present for 20+ years. An invisible illness. I do not use a wheelchair or cane, therefore my illness is invisible… Unless you notice my struggle with balance. But even then one may simply assume I’m tipsy.

I suffer from urinary incontinence. The loss of bladder control. The severity ranges from occasionally leaking urine when I cough or sneeze to having an urge to urinate that’s so sudden and strong that I cannot get to a toilet in time.

My neurologist asked about the latest statistics on my bladder issues in my last appointment. Saying out loud that I leak 3-5 times a day felt like a punch. My doctor called it a “quality of life” issue. I’m so used to leaking that it has become a part of my identity. This isn’t normal. I don’t want it to be my normal. I have got to find $3,000.

DDC

Lesson: My MS is not invisible to me.

Question: What’s affecting your quality of life?

Standard
Multiple Sclerosis

Very Important Person

A letter.

To: My original handler, my confidant, my voice of reason, my BFF. I know you have your reasons. Here is mine.

MS sucks. Shorter walks don’t. I want a handicapped license. Can I?

The only advantage of having multiple sclerosis, a declared disability (that I can think of) is the ability to be VIP . . . in the parking lot. Let me use this advantage. Pretty pretty please.

I understand that I do not need it. I promise I do. I can walk. I can probably walk more and longer than I even think I can. That handicapped license is gold, platinum even! Always has been. I remember seeing others with it and immediately thinking, “man, I wish that I had one.” Now, because of this condition I can actually qualify. I want it! Real bad.

This weekend I had access to VIP while driving my dad’s car. I felt like royalty. I didn’t use it too much. In the hospital parking lot everyone is VIP.

Seriously, I want it for my apartment parking lot. I’ve always had an assigned spot. Originally, it was so that I would always have a spot. Then it was to have a closer spot. Now, it’s to always have the same spot. I struggle with my memory. I’m concerned that without an assigned spot I’ll have to park wherever is available meaning a different spot every day. Forgetting where I parked is an anxiety inducing experience. A panic attack waiting to happen.

At Target, I always park on the row matching the entrance. At Coffee’s, I park in the space all the way to the right (no one ever seems to use it). At the office, I park on the back row. Every single time. It takes longer to get to the entrance. However, I notice that if I park in a different spot, then I struggle to remember where my car is and sometimes I feel panicked by that. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. Very uncomfortable to me actually.

So yes. I can walk the distance. But what happens when I don’t know where I’m going?

XOXO

Lesson: I’d like an accommodation.

Question: What is your favorite place to park? Do you have one? Or is this another thing to add to my list of “weird” qualities?

Standard
About Me, Career, Chapter 2, Love Life, Mental Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Personal Finances, Where to?

Do You Wanna Be Happy?

Tara, my Program Therapist, asked if I had ever thought about becoming a life coach at the end of our last session. Look at God! It is wild that she would ask. Especially right now. Perfect timing. I put “life coach” all over this year’s vision board(s). 

I love visioning. I have 4 pages of visions in my Day Designer planner, my laptop wallpaper is a vision board, my iPhone wallpaper is a vision board and I have recently started putting a vision board at the start of every week in my Savor planner. . . Yes, I have two planners.

Day Designer Vision

Thrive. Conscious spending. Weight loss. Reading. A beach with my boo. Mentorship. Professionalism. Intention. Affirmations. Contentment. Strength training. A trip to Jamaica. Execution. Pilates. Endless streams of income. Healthy living. Yoga. Deloitte. Love. Peace. Intimate moments. Savings. My tribe. Consistency. Mental health. Thrive.

My word for 2023 is THRIVE.

I am on a self love journey full of self care, establishing systems, and execution. It is a journey, not a destination. Thoughts of love and beauty come to mind in my day dreams. I am equipped with resources to find the answers to life’s questions. There is happiness in my life. Peace that surpasses all understanding. I have joy in my soul.

I want to share that happiness with others. I want them to look past their adverse circumstances and focus on the blessings in their lives. I want to walk them through the steps that I took (and others) to establish systems. I want to be there when they reach their goals.

Therefore, I have completed my certification in life coaching. As of this morning, I am officially a certified Happiness Life Coach.

XOXO

Lesson: You can be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.

Question: Do you wanna be happy?

Standard
About Me, Mental Health, Multiple Sclerosis

Break My Soul

I had an MRI today.

Waiting my turn.

I’m feeling . . . some type of way. I don’t know how to describe it. Wait, let me check my feelings wheel. . .

Numb.

I feel numb.

Deprived of the power of sensation. Deprived of words. I can’t stop thinking about the possibility that the multiple sclerosis has progressed. That I will be told there are more lesions on my brain. What will I do?

Tear.

Then at that very moment I hear Beyoncé’s voice belt through my radio!

You won’t break my soul

You won’t break my soul

You won’t break my soul

You won’t break my soul

I’m tellin’ everybody

MS, YOU WONT BREAK MY SOUL!

The results don’t matter. I’m going to be alright. I will handle whatever happens like I’m 100% THAT GIRL.

XOXO

Lesson: Don’t worry about things you have zero control over. It won’t help so why waste the time. Instead, enjoy every moment to its fullest potential.

Question: What’s your favorite Beyoncé song?

Standard
Humor, Multiple Sclerosis

Gummy Thoughts

My gummy thoughts are hilariously brilliant. In my opinion.

What’s your opinion? Which ones?

Am I hungry?

I AM hungry (“Am” is emphasized)!

I haven’t had Raising Canes in forever.

Do I turn left here?

If I turned left here, then could I get to the parking lot of Raising Cane’s?

Get in left turning lane.

Wait.

Wait.

This isn’t working.

I should just eat my leftovers from lunch.

Yep. That’s what I’ll do.

Gets out of turning lane.

I spend money.

I always spend money.

I’ll just go home.

Turns left.

Two sauces please.

My ottoman is gorgeous.

Black and white is my love language.

My Mom is Superwoman.

Does my Mom know that I eat gummies?

I never told her directly about my blog.

Wait. Did we talk about it?

We did.

She didn’t understand it.

Yep. That’s it.

I remember.

I remember?

I remember!

Bruh.

This blog is 🔥.

This specific one.

This post.

The whole blog.

I love these fries.

There’s a text.

I’m so funny.

I’m pretty.

Text.

Does it matter if I get sauce on this shirt?

Shouldn’t I wash every time that I wear it?

Wait.

Should I wash it every time I wear it?

EVERY time? Emphasis.

Do cold Raising Cane’s fries taste good?

I taste salt.

I like salt.

I wish I didn’t like salt.

That second sauce was genius.

The gummy taste good.

Tastes?

Tasted?

Whatever.

This is THE best toast. Emphasis.

I am so fucking funny.

I’m going to floss when I finish eating.

Am I? AM. Emphasis.

Was that valet trash?

I should put the trash out.

I’ve got time.

Should I put this chicken in the microwave?

The word “microwave” was an option.

This phone is watching me.

It sees me.

I don’t need this second sauce.

I spend money.

I wonder how many fries did I just put in my mouth?

Seven?

Text.

😂🤣😂.

Brilliant.

Me.

I am brilliant.

Brilliant with my millions.

Imma Be.

Lyrics.

Should I add the lyrics?

To this post?

Is my door open.

I want a two car garage.

My mother bought me six cans of Blue Runners.

Blue Runners.

My purse is so cute.

Why is the lotion on the kitchen counter.

Tupperware.

How do you spell Tupperware?

Hmmm.

Do I love emojis?

Should I drink the Raising Cane’s sauce?

Sauce.

My ottoman.

The T14s are still in the living room.

Does my head itch.

I want to stretch.

Scratch.

Does CFNA have an app?

Email.

Tray.

Laughter.

My nose is oily.

My knee.

Backpack.

Funny.

Text.

I am sitting on the cord.

Chair.

Flip flops.

Sharecker.

Orange.

Sharecker.

Why orange?

Color.

Flip flops.

Coral.

Crack

Krack.

Cord.

Roll.

Living Single.

Living single.

Cord.

Oily.

Cord.

Work.

Email.

EOD.

Lemonade.

Beyoncé.

Text.

I want to stretch.

Drip.

This is 40.

41.

November.

Sentences.

Do I think in words?

Do I think in sentences.

?.

It feels good to roll my neck.

So good.

Cracks ankle.

Right.

Do the gummies make me want to stretch?

Is that a thing.

Question mark.

Is my forehead oily.

Work.

When is the end of the day when you work at home.

The goss is tight on my elbow.

I have MS.

Multiple Sclerosis.

I had an infusion today.

I have MS.

Sometimes I don’t think about it.

Today I am thinking about it.

Fuck.

Should I respond to this person.

I have veneers.

I feel like working.

Where is the remote.

Am I going to do this all night?

No.

XOXO

Lesson: A gummy a day will keep the tears away

Question: What keeps your tears away?

Standard
About Me, Chapter 2, Mental Health, Multiple Sclerosis

Botox

I had surgery this morning. Onabotulinumtoxin Injection. I had Botox injected into my bladder to help with my overactive bladder. This is the second time that I have it so I knew what to expect. It is an outpatient procedure.

How do I feel? Physically, like a regular day. No side effects or down time needed. Mentally, I am sad. I have an incurable disease that has created the need to wear incontinence underwear. It is far from sexy. I feel the opposite of sexy wearing them. But unfortunately, I wear them consistently. Therefore, I had Botox injected into my bladder. I had the surgery with the hope that I could stop wearing incontinence underwear for six months.

Occasionally when things are quiet on the MS front, I almost forget that I have it. Well, “forget” is a strong word. I do not think about the fact that I have it. Today is not one of those days.

XOXO

Lesson: Stop buying the higher priced incontinence underwear that look like underwear. No one is seeing them either way.

Question: What do you do when you are feeling sad?

Standard
Multiple Sclerosis

Grace

A multiple sclerosis (MS) diagnosis is considered a disability. I have a whole disability. Wow. Intellectually, I know that I have MS. However, I still forget that I need accommodations in certain instances because of my disability. I cannot do everything I used to do. I have limitations. Sad face.

My major limitation is that I have an intense bladder control issue. I accommodate for it 90% of the time. I have accepted it. I have had an issue controlling my bladder for 20+ years. It’s a part of my story. I pee. Often. In odd locations. I once pulled into the U-turn lane on highway 114. Opened my door and squatted right there!!! The urge comes immediately and at that minute everything stops until I am able to void. I know this. The people in my life all know this.

I’m currently on a plane headed back home to DFW reflecting on the events of the wellness weekend in Arizona to celebrate my dear friend’s milestone birthday. There were six absolutely dynamic women. Of the 6, I knew only one very well. The birthday girl. The vibe was relaxation, wellness and laughter. I truly loved every aspect of my trip. It was the perfect time getaway from all responsibility. Everything was planned perfectly. I didn’t have to think about anything. Ultimate bliss.

Strike a pose.

I only mentioned my condition in passing on the trip. Every single lady extended me grace to my limitations. We went on a two hour road trip to Sedona. I, of course, had to stop several times for restroom breaks. Not one person complained. Nobody said, “AGAIN?!?” They even would check with me to see if I needed to stop before I even had to think about. The Arizona heat was close to the temperature of hell. It was hot. MS tends to flare in the heat. They would tell me to get out of the direct sun. “Try sitting in this shaded area,” “stay out of the deep end (I am not a strong swimmer),” and “let me hold your hand as you get out of the van.” There was genuine concern for my well-being. I felt it. It felt like love. I greatly appreciate it. I felt welcomed just as I am, bladder and all. Grace is love.

The devil started talking to me. He said, “you are handicapped.” He laughed and said, “you cannot do everything that used to.” For a moment, I listened. That damn devil is here to steal, kill and destroy. I’d like to also add that he is here to isolate. For a moment, I put my head down. I felt the sadness rising in my gut. I needed a minute. Relax. Relate. Release.

But then I heard another voice. It was calm, comforting and reassuring. God is here. He said, “don’t focus on the few things that you cannot do. Instead, focus on all the other capabilities that I continue to give you.” Jesus.

I am a child of the Most High. He is my keeper, my confidant, my husband and my all. He chose me before parents knew I was coming. Praise Him! Hallelujah!! Thank you Lord. I feel so blessed right now that I could shout on this plane.

XOXO

Lesson: Jehovah Jireh. God provides.

Question: Has God talked you through a valley?

Standard
Multiple Sclerosis

A Year.

A year ago today I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I am sure I have had it for much longer than one year. Maybe I’ve had it all of my life. Maybe I have had it for 20 years. I am not sure when was the first time I had an uncontrollable urge to void and then chose to drop my pants in whichever parking lot I was in at that moment. I wish I knew. The moment my life’s journey changed from hopeful ignorance to life changing disability.

I want to be hopeful. I sincerely do. Sometimes. No, most times I am. Then there are the times that I cry uncontrollably. I cry because of the unknowns. Will I adjust to having to consistently wear incontinence underwear? Will I wake up one day and no longer have the use of my right eye, my left leg or one of my arms? Tear.

This post has to end on a positive, right? I have to leave some hopeful quote that I searched for on Google. Got to love the Google.

Not today.

XOXO

Lesson: Real life does not end in “happily ever after.”

Question: What was the moment your entire life changed? Do you know? Would you want to know?

Standard