Picture it 1999. It was a good year. Sophia Petrillo. I graduated from high school and started my college career. There was a guy. I gave him my heart. I call him, ‘the love of my life” when I reference him to friends. Well… at least I used to.

He was easy on the eyes. His celebrity lookalike would be Russell Hornsby. Lincoln Heights. He had chocolate brown skin, the perfect height tall, plump kissable lips. Ooo I remember those beautiful lips. His body was slightly chiseled as if he worked out just enough. Just sexy. He has a tattoo on his bicep. Maybe tricep? I didn’t take anatomy. His upper arm. I love an arm tattoo until this day. Tattoos are on my “what I look for in a man” list. As a “nice to have.” Not a deal breaker. I think it’s because of him. I remember that it was a fierce animal. A tiger, jaguar, or cheetah. Something that was fierce. Commanded unquestionable authority. I didn’t know anyone with a tattoo at that time. I was a bit sheltered growing up. His tattoos stood out to me. Gave him an edge. He was from the streets. I’m attracted to guys that resemble him. He is the prototype. “I hope that you’re the one. If not. You are the prototype.”

We met in the hallways of Beinville Hall. It resembled the Good Times building. I was a resident assistant. His resident assistant. We would see each other occasionally in the hall walking to and from the elevator and would exchange flirty remarks. He was good with his words. Witty. Great sense of humor. Fun to be around. I was interested from the very beginning. He finally made his interest clear. We started spending time together. I spent a lot of time in his room. I don’t think he had a roommate. It’s funny thinking back at the two of us laying in a twin dorm bed. I enjoyed his company. Sigh. There were so many laughs had on the third floor. I love to laugh. It was comfortable simply to be in his presence. Safe. He encouraged me to apply at his campus job site. I got it. Once I started working he and I would sneak kisses in the office. It was a quiet office so he and I had time to talk about life often. Did we do any actual work? He was a future engineer from the city. New Orleans. He lived life and had a past. I hadn’t at that time… Have I now? Hmm. I still had milk behind my ears. I loved talking with him about his past and the future. He inspired me to want more out of life. To go after my dreams. But, be realist.

Fast forward. I do not remember the timeline. My memory isn’t the best these days. I may go into that later. Maybe it was October. He asked me if I was seeing anyone else. I said, “yes.” A bold faced lie. There hadn’t been a conversation about exclusivity. I thought saying “yes” would make me appear to be wanted by other guys. A catch. I thought that it was a good answer. It was not. To this day, I regret my answer. Why did I lie? I thought me seeing more than just him would be intriguing. I wonder how he would have responded if I just said the truth. If I said that I didn’t want to see anyone else. If I just told the damn truth. Shit. I don’t remember his exact response. My memory or lack thereof frustrates me, but I try to ignore it. What I do clearly remember is that a short time after this conversation, my roommate told me the love of my life asked her out. My damn roommate!!! I was crushed. Heartbroken. How could he?! He was the prototype. Why did he do it? I wish I knew. I like to think that he was hurt I had a roster. That he wanted revenge maybe. This was 25+ years ago and it still saddens me to think about it. Stupid.

“The love of my life said that my son should have been for him.”

Okay, let’s fast forward again. Through the years we kept in touch. We both transferred to Southern University. He was there getting his Master’s. We would see each other in passing. Still no dates. He randomly showed up at my parent’s house once. I wasn’t home. He left a note attached it to the welcome sign for me written on an used envelope. I thought it was sweet. He wanted to see me. I read that envelope a thousand times. Was that before text messages? Maybe. In hindsight, I should have been concerned about him just popping up. Another time he would came over and played with my son. My baby was less than two and in a walker. Absolutely adorable. The love of my life said that my son should have been for him. I wonder if he even remembers that. I can’t believe I remember that so clearly. One sentence that I heard nearly twenty years ago and it still makes me tingle a bit. Stupid. He once messaged me on Facebook asking if he could take a shower at my place. Luckily, my place was an absolute mess. As usual. Pop ups aren’t a thing that I am ever prepared for. Remember the scene in Love Jones when Larenz Tate popped up at Nia Long’s place with an Isley Brother’s CD? Her place was clean. She was lounging in the house in a cute matching outfit with her hair in a cute ponytail? Remember that? I was the opposite of that. My hair was all over my head. Place in complete disorder. As if I was looking for a needle in the haystack of everything I owned. I would need two days notice for someone to come over. Now I could manage in a couple hours. Perhaps that was for the best anyway. There’s no telling what would have happened if I had let him come over. I left the message on READ. No response. Way to go, me!

Fast forward again. To the end of our story. Brace yourself. The last time we had a conversation I knew immediately that I could never talk to him again. I unfriended him on all of my social media accounts. I had to. Why did I need to keep up with his whereabouts anyway? Seeing his posts would make me think about the good times and miss him again. I wished he was posting about me. About us. I wished there was an “us.” That we were in each other’s lives. Stupid. To be honest, it was because he was posting pictures of him and his current significant other. She’s a very pretty girl. Looks so happy. It hurts my heart. Seeing him with someone FBO. Facebook official. Pictures of them in formal attire maybe from a Mardi Gras ball. He looks look Billy D Williams in a suit. Pictures of them enjoying each other on vacation. Several vacations. We never went anywhere together off campus. Then a video of them riding a motorcycle and he added an engagement ring emoji. Immediately unfollow. Not so stupid.

Here comes the climax of the story. In our last conversation I remember the context but not word for word. He said I acted like we had had a relationship and he didn’t understand why. Wait, what?! Devastation. I knew that it obviously wasn’t an actual relationship. There was no title. Not even a RTA bus pass. I am not his “one that got away.” He never said that exactly, but that it is what I heard. It all meant NOTHING to him. Stupid. In reality, we had spent a few nights together. Shared a few laughs. I caught feelings. He did not. We were nothing more than two people who knew each. There was no love. We were just friends. Maybe. Although, an actual friend would not have approached my roommate. An actual friend would have paid for bus fare, a movie and a burger. It all meant NOTHING to him. Was it even a situationship? A situationship, according to the Urban Dictionary, is “emotional trauma in a gift box.” Was it a friend with no benefits? Hmmm. The facts are we were two people who hung out occasionally. That’s it. There was no love.

Do I have a “love of my life?” I guess not. My loves are my son, my mom, and me. That’s my truth.

Question:

Who’s the love of life? Do you have one? Do they feel the same about you?

Lesson:

1. Be careful about who I classify as the love of my life. People need to earn that sh*t.

2. If a dude does not even offer bus fare, then move on.

XOXO

1. 

   And I love YOU:)

2. 

   I love this so much❤️

3. 

   I’m happy to be reading your writings again. I look forward to them!

4. 

   This is very inspiring! The courage to start a new chapter is always inspiring! Congratulations on the new chapter and…

5. 

   Yes. Highschool. Eleventh grade, I think. My smiley face watch fell off and I had the nerve to go back…