My dating life has been filled with heartbreak and disappointment. The trails that I have endured have lead me to ask God, “what are You trying to teach me?” What am I to learn from these trials? I am obviously not getting it. Whatever IT is. There has to be a reason for this heartbreak to keep coming one after another. What is it, God? Can You make the lesson clear to me?!? I must be doing something wrong to not have experienced the love that I long for. Does this mean I need to stop trying? Should I get a cat or two and settle into being a fine ass auntie (with no niece or nephew)?
Ironically, I do want a cat. I want to have something to talk to in my empty nest. I have been wanting one for a few years now. The stigma around single women and cats is the major reason I do not have a cat. Hmmm. On some level, I care about what other people think about me. I know I am not supposed to care, but I actually do. I don’t want to meet a guy and he shame me for having a cat. I do not want to have to pay for the boarding of a cat when I travel. My parent’s would never allow the cat in their home. My mom already told me that I would have to leave my cat in the garage when I came home.
I am going to put some thought into what I will do with the cat when I travel.
I met a man. Well, I rekindled a 15+ year old fling.
Have you ever been to Cigars International? Last Saturday, I felt like stepping out. Sent a text to a girlfriend and asked if she wanted to be seen as much as I did. She declined. It doesn’t bother me to go out solo solo. Actually, I enjoy it. I got dressed up real nice with my big ass black hoop earrings and headed to Cigars International.
Men love cigars. I love men. The mean at Cigars International always love me. I get chose every time I am there. I like going. A lot. It is nice sized, has a huge patio outside with a fire pit and ample seating. I need access to a seat in order to leave the house. Inside there are several big comfy leather chairs in the center.
I walked in and all I could see were men. Black handsome men. I love that place. Smile. I might go tonight. I walked around looking for a suitor and an empty chair. I walk by the big comfy chairs and I hear my name. “Danielle!” It was a familiar voice. I looked down and sitting there was (let’s call him) Time Warner looking damn good with a new to me beard with shades of gray. Mmmm. Well okay Time Warner. Time has been good to you.
Many moons ago I called Time Warner Cable. My cable had been turned off for nonpayment. Hehe. I think I called to negotiate and Time Warner was the customer service representative. His voice was so sexy that I got his information and we started seeing each other. I can remember chilling at Maxwell’s Lounge with Time Warner. He was always very nice and treated me good.
We sat at Cigars International together for the rest of night catching up. He’s still really nice. I enjoyed being with him again and then he asked me to be his girl friend. Just like that. I said yes. Me. A whole girlfriend!
We starting hanging out daily. It feels so good to have someone.
XOXO
Update: Time Warner and I are not equally yoked. I am a single woman.
Tara, my Program Therapist, asked if I had ever thought about becoming a life coach at the end of our last session. Look at God! It is wild that she would ask. Especially right now. Perfect timing. I put “life coach” all over this year’s vision board(s).
I love visioning. I have 4 pages of visions in my Day Designer planner, my laptop wallpaper is a vision board, my iPhone wallpaper is a vision board and I have recently started putting a vision board at the start of every week in my Savor planner.. . Yes, I have two planners.
Day Designer Vision
Thrive. Conscious spending. Weight loss. Reading. A beach with my boo. Mentorship. Professionalism. Intention. Affirmations. Contentment. Strength training. A trip to Jamaica. Execution. Pilates. Endless streams of income. Healthy living. Yoga. Deloitte. Love. Peace. Intimate moments. Savings. My tribe. Consistency. Mental health. Thrive.
My word for 2023 is THRIVE.
I am on a self love journey full of self care, establishing systems, and execution. It is a journey, not a destination. Thoughts of love and beauty come to mind in my day dreams. I am equipped with resources to find the answers to life’s questions. There is happiness in my life. Peace that surpasses all understanding. I have joy in my soul.
I want to share that happiness with others. I want them to look past their adverse circumstances and focus on the blessings in their lives. I want to walk them through the steps that I took (and others) to establish systems. I want to be there when they reach their goals.
Therefore, I have completed my certification in life coaching. As of this morning, I am officially a certified Happiness Life Coach.
XOXO
Lesson: You can be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.
A guy told me that if his significant other left the house to go on a girl’s trip, then her stuff would be packed once she returned. He believes that women who take girl’s trips are not faithful on those trips. Dude was so very adamant about it. As if he had conducted scientific research analyzing every action on every girl’s trips.
I’ve been on several girl’s trips in my life. Infidelity is not the cornerstone of a girl’s trip. I have never been in a relationship when I was on a girl’s trip come to think about it. But, I do not see anything wrong with it and I would also encourage my mate to take a guy’s trip from time to time. His thinking is a definite red flag. A stop sign actually. The same guy also says that he will never get married. He expressed his feelings regarding marriage while we were on our first date. It was a brunch at Ellen’s in Deep Ellum. The food was amazing as usual but the conversation had its challenges. His ideas regarding marriage were his first red flag.
The second red flag was when he was telling me about his experience at a cigar bar. A lady felt compelled to list her accomplishments. He didn’t like that. She must have also said something regarding a height requirement that he did not meet. This brought the ugly out of him. In retelling the events of the night he called this young lady out of her name with such conviction that it stung to hear it.
That’s three red flags. How many are too many? I guess it would depend on what they are . . . or does it?
XOXO
Lesson: Consider ending the talking phase at the first red flag.
I am leaving my old identity and becoming Danielle 2.0 in 2023. Previously, I identified myself as lazy. I thought it was just who I was. I was lazy. I did not keep promises to myself. Promises of productivity. Whether it was to make my bed up or to wake up at 5am. I didn’t do it. Well, at least not consistently. So I am leaving “lazy Danielle” in 2022.
What else?
Stupid girl behavior. I am no longer running after these no good dudes who are not worth my time. This one may be a challenge for me. I have exhibited stupid girl behavior for so long that it is second nature to me. I will clean my phone out and block a few dudes that do not belong in 2023. They probably should have already been deleted. But hey, I have to start somewhere.
Confessions of a shopaholic. Have you seen the movie, Confessions of Shopaholic? The main character’s name is Rebecca Bloomwood. I named my car after her because I bought the car at a time when I definitely did not need a shiny new car, could not afford the car note and my credit rating made the interest rate incredibly high. I saw an advertisement for a similar car. Went to test drive it, then saw the car I bought and new I had to have it immediately. I am leaving impulsive shopping in 2022.
Unhealthy food choices. The human body is a beautiful thing. God made us in his image and therefore, I want to show appreciation for this vessel that HE has bestowed upon me in the way I choose to nourish it. Am I saying that I will give up sweets completely? Absolutely not! But do I need to order two cheesecakes from The Cheesecake Factory to be delivered to me at a bar that ran out of their desserts, no. Not anymore.
Ashy knees. Well ash is general. I am leaving ash in 2022. I bought a large Nivea recently and I will use it. Daily. Not only on the skin that is showing after I put my clothes on, the entire body.
XOXO
Lesson: I get to determine who I want to be. Danielle 2.0 is here.
I met a guy and instantly imagined I was with my new boo thang. I envisioned us cuddling on the sofa watching Sunday football for the rest of the day. I would be on the couch watching him fold his laundry and complete other Sunday chores. I would offer to assist periodically and he would decline and tell me to, “just relax.”
Get these from Whole Foods. You will not be disappointed!
As you may have gathered I’m currently sitting in my corner spot on the sofa, snacking on plant based cookies that I promise taste like Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies writing this post. No chores were done together.
I had imagined this amazing future with a stranger. We barely even communicated at brunch. The only thing I know about this man is his address. Why would I have attached this magical connection to him in the first place?!? Something has to be seriously wrong with me in regards to men if I seriously thought that I would ever hear from him again.
I need Hope right now. I need hope too! This man gave absolutely no indication that he was even mildly interested in me. He really didn’t. I threw myself at him at, “hello.”
I feel sad. I feel disappointed. I feel confused. What is it about me that consistently chooses the wrong guy? Consistently! The absolute only thing they want from me is it. But now it makes me recognize what all of the guys in the past have had in common. . . me. It’s me.
I lead with it. If they lead with it, then cool too. But it isn’t all that I want. I truly want a fairytale. I want to have this awesome meet cute with a guy near the oranges counter at Target. We banter. We finish our grocery shopping together. We go to the Starbucks area and talk until his ice cream melts then we walk off into sunset. Where would I even get that from? No one in my life is living this fairytale that I dream about. Why would I even think it existed? Something needs to be fixed with my thought processes. My imagination runs in the wrong direction.
XOXO
Lesson: Real life is not a fairytale.
Question: Why do you think I have this fairytale? For real. I’d like to know some thoughts. DM me on Instagram @ddcandthecity
Today was such a good day. Started my day in the office. I dressed like that girl and presented like a boss. I was late. That’s irrelevant:) Next was my biweekly meeting with my leader where we laughed at delusional candidates and discussed Amazon finds. What was next? A few administrative tasks. A little social media. A call with a candidate on the verge of an offer to discuss salary. Then, the best part of MY workday. My midday nap. I got up and got completed some professional productivity combined with some personal creativity. I signed up for a December workout program in Grand Prairie. Oh my! I do not like to drive long distances. However, I will do it for results. Pretty excited. I’ve seen some drastic results. Such a good day that when evening came I felt like talking, talking, talking. I get that from Funky Dineva. I love me some old school Funky Dineva.
I called my mom. What did we talk about? Let me think. An update on my dad. Made a decision about Christmas plans. So excited. I’ve made some great plans. I can’t wait to reveal the surprise to her. What else? Hair products! My mom has been having trouble finding the perfect products for her hair. It been fun playing with all of the different brands she has auditioned. We talked about watching HGTV. I love watching the different shows. Love it or List it is my current favorite.
Next I talked to my BFF. It was a quick update on the fantastic plans I have for my mom’s Christmas gift this year. We touched on a few other topics but nothing notable.
My married friend was next. My Godchild did not want to say “hello” to me. That’s cool. I’ve had that feeling so I’ll let it slide. Gave my friend an update on the specialists that my neurologist has referred me too. It is all exciting. My medical team is coming along beautifully. I had to make a note about my foot. It feels like there’s a grip holding it tight after I walk for a little while. It is a new “thing.” I don’t know what to call it. Maybe, symptom? Anyway. It is a new way that multiple sclerosis is presenting for me. She rushed me off the phone to have a good conversation with her husband. Cute.
Then I called…hmm. He needs a nickname. Let me think. OMG of course! He will be called AfroTech. We met at the very end of the last day of the Expo Hall at AfroTech . Witty conversation. Very flirtatious. Spoke of a potential future. We walked down Sixth Street in Austin and eventually stopped at a bar with live music. The generous bartender was a chatty young Becky. I loved how AfroTech was able to keep up the conversation. Points. I love personality. No wallflowers for me please. I called AfroTech and we talked a bit. I have an interview on Thursday morning. He had some insightful tips on interview preparation, words of encouragement, and then had to get off of the phone to finish with his homework. Points.
Parking Lot was next. A dude whose nickname has been declared as Parking Lot. There was minimal small talk. Random thoughts from a gummy. Insightful revelations on my part. Then let me tell you what this dude said! He told me that he doesn’t like small talk. He only wants to talk on the phone when there is critical information. Otherwise, he “would prefer to text and multitask.” Well, that was fun. Delete. No need to keep his number, I will not be using it again. Another one bites the dust.
XOXO
Lesson: I am a talker.
Question: Tell me about the last time you felt talking talking talking!
I met my original work friend at The Common Table for their Hip Hop Brunch one Sunday. I was hella cute with a black and white striped dress and some leopard wedges. I was ready to catch somebody’s son.
Legs. Legs. Legs.
My friend and I sat at the bar like single ladies should. My seat was next to a guy who was by himself. I smiled. We had some witty banter. He had a vibe. He wasn’t conventionally attractive. His personality made him attractive. His name is going to be John Carl Williams (JCW). I have a thing for saying full names. I can’t explain why because I really don’t know.
JCW was suave, witty and had a sense of humor. An excellent sense of humor. I’m smiling just thinking about him. His personality was cool enough to where all three of us were able to have a conversation. Lots of laughs. JCW and I exchanged numbers. Mission accomplished. I caught somebody’s son.
He was gazing at me and not the camera. Butterflies.
Our first date was to RA Sushi for all day happy hour. This was when I was heavy into fitness and healthy eating choices. My body looked so good. I wore these high waisted black leggings that made my legs look luscious and my belly look nonexistent. It turned out that RA didn’t have the happy hour so we ended up at Pluckers. I smile when I recall our first date. Our interaction was as if we had known each other for years. Easy conversation. We laughed. We drank. We took shots with his friends on FaceTime. It was a complete vibe. I immediately felt like he was my one. My one in a million.
Easy Conversation – Jill Scott
I realize now it is completely outrageous for me to think he was my anything after a couple hours. I fall hard. I fall deep. And I fall quick. If there is a vibe and he shows a little bit of interest, then I get butterflies in my stomach and start fantasizing about the future. For the record, this is something that I am currently working on with Hope. I get so wrapped up in the fantasy. Instantaneously. I say things like, “love of my life,” and “this is the one” before I know their last name.
Red is my favorite color.
JCW and I met for drinks one Sunday evening at the Red Crab. They make crawfish that is almost as good as it is at home. Louisiana. I wore a black dress that fit as if it was made for my body. We sat at the bar, had friendly banter with the bartenders. He was outgoing like me. I had a 1942 tequila shot for the first and only time. I loved JCW’s presence. He was extremely witty with a touch of sarcasm. Like me. He consistently wore Air Max. I believe he had every color of the ‘97. The same ones that I have a few pairs of. A common interest. In my freshman year of college I would only date guys who wore Air Max. That shoe does something for me. His shoes made me think we had a magical connection. He drove a red Dodge Challenger. He wore a red sweatshirt when we met. My favorite color. Irrelevant common interests that meant something special to me. It was meant to be. I imagined telling our grandchildren we met by chance and were immediately inseparable. My happily ever after. Complete delusion.
He asked about my day. That afternoon I went to brunch at Kona Grill with a friend. He asked, “was it a date?” It wasn’t. I’d went to brunch with the same female friend I was with when we originally met. She and I have monthly brunches.
I responded by acting coy. Flustered. Like I didn’t want to say that I was with a guy earlier the same day. I excused myself and went to the restroom. Dramatic. It gave the impression that I had had a date with a man. I didn’t out right lie. But, I did at the same time.
What was I thinking?!? I felt he would be more interested. If I was seeing other people, then I’d look attractive. He would then stake his claim on me, say he didn’t want me to see other people, and we would become exclusive. If you read my first blog, then you’d know this is not the first time I made this stupid decision. I hadn’t learned the lesson.
As you can imagine he didn’t respond as I thought he would. He became cold towards me. Calls became infrequent. I did eventually tell him the truth. By that time, his opinion of me had already changed. I was an immature liar. Our interactions were no longer good vibes. Dates became nonexistent. Texts became one word responses. There was no happily ever after.
This was more than a year ago now. I feel sad when thinking about him, my stupid response and how he acted afterwards. Regretful and immature. To be honest, I think about him a lot. Still. The fantasy of our happily ever after. I want to call him. I really do. Thankfully, I deleted his information months ago. I knew I’d want to call. And I knew he wouldn’t answer if I did.
XOXO
Lesson: Saying that you are seeing other people does not make you irresistible.
Question: I have two levels, complete delusion or complete disinterest. Will I find my in between?
My BFF and I were driving down 183 passing his exit. I asked if she was in a rush or not. No. We headed to Stanley’s.
Stanley
I knew Stanley for a while. I’d been to his place a few times and remembered the directions perfectly. Stanley and I had been situationshipping, but he hadn’t been responding to my calls lately. Which was extra weird considering that I was calling the phone that I gave him. Gosh, I was stupid. I am stupid. I used to be stupid. I won’t be stupid anymore.
BFF and I drove around the maze of the parking lot and parked Action Adventure* in the spot directly in front of his apartment. We were in her car. I figured he wouldn’t know the car. Smart, right?
I sat in the passenger seat of my BFF’s car and called Stanley thirty five times. In a row. Back to back. Why? To this day I have no Earthly idea what was my intention. What could dialing this man’s phone number, back to back, 35 times in a row accomplish? Did I think that these actions would end in a positive result? I couldn’t. Could I? Did I?
He answered.
I gasped. Shocked.
He said, “are you in front of my place?” I gasped, “huh?”
I’m sure you could imagine how that conversation went. What the hell was I thinking? What was the point? Why? Just why?!?!?! This has been 10+ years ago and I still do not know the answer.
Fast forward. I had a Black male colleague on my team for the first time in a long time and we became friends. One day we were talking about our friends and some way some how I figured out that my colleague’s best friend since youth was Stanley. You have got to be kidding me!?! Nope. Best friends! I confessed to my 35 calls from the parking lot to my colleague. We laughed. We moved on.
My team from work went to The Hideaway for happy hour on pay day and guess who wanted to come? Yep. Stanley. By this time I had told the whole team about 35. I should probably be ashamed, but it is too funny for me to hide. So when Stanley walks up everyone had a good laugh at my story again.
Stanley and I reconnected. Laughed about 35. Exchanged information and have been in touch again. For a few years. We connect every now and then. Have a few laughs and then go our separate ways.
We laughed recently. It was fun. I wondered if I’d been missing out by not taking him seriously. Could I actually be with Stanley after all of this time?
Fuck no! Stanley is still Stanleying and I do not have the energy for his level of foolishness.
We can laugh. But I’ll never cry for him again.
XOXO
Lesson: Once ‘ain’t no good’. Always ‘ain’t no good.’
Question: Why do I still entertain Stanley knowing that he ‘ain’t no good?’
*Action Adventure is when you back into a parking spot just in case you have to leave expeditiously.
We met online last Friday. We agreed to have a meet and greet at City Works in the Star for dessert that night. I arrived before him and ordered a Green Tea Shot to take the edge off. I also ordered an Angry Orchard. Kramer arrived. Cool. I ordered the Peanut Butter Snickers Pie. He ordered a water and no dessert. He already ate and doesn’t drink alcohol anymore. He showed me some pictures he just took of himself at the Star across the street before coming to City Works. Cool. I finished my very delicious dessert. The check came. Bartender placed the bill in the middle of us. Kramer immediately picked it up and looks at the bill and says, “wow, you’re expensive.” Hmmm. He paid. We went across the street to the Star and I took some post worthy pictures. Fun. We walked into the hotel lobby at the Star and sat in some cute chairs. We had more conversation. We talked about work, the struggle of the Black man, empty nests, and church homes. He said some things that were strange to me. He said he is a “leg guy” and how much he loved my legs. Repeatedly. He showed me pictures that he took of my legs while I wasn’t paying attention. Stalker. The way he went on about my legs was creepy. Yes, I have long and luscious legs. I know this. But he was borderline obsessed. It was extra creepy. I said that I had something to do and we parted ways. Kramer is a weird dude. Therefore, I am just not that into him.
A couple days went by and he asked me to go for drinks or to come over “chill” or play in the pool. I made excuses why I did not want to go a few times. He asked me if I was interested in him and I replied, “I have reservations.” He sent a few more texts and then a couple days later is when I he sent this essay…
He asked me to Cash App him the money that he spent at City Works. He thinks that I intentionally used him for the $27 bill.
First, I am not the kind of person who is looking for a sponsor. I have a career. I make money. I pay my own way. Second, if he could not afford the bill, then he should have let me know. He shouldn’t have asked to meet. He shouldn’t be dating at all for that matter.
His opinion of me should not matter to me. Unfortunately, it does anyway. I don’t want to be known as some dessert digging woman. I am considering sending him the money. Not the entire bill, just the money for the shot and cider. The original plan was dessert only, not drinks and dessert.
DDCANDTHECITY 